What's God up to?

Praise Him

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God has blessed me with a couple of victories in the past couple weeks. I recognized them, but then life kept bustling on. I was convicted the other day to really stop and spend some time giving heartfelt thanks and also just giving space in my busyness for remembering the goodness of God.

I’m reading through 2 Kings as part of my devotions and one thing I see over and over is forgetfulness. Not stopping to remember and give praise and dwell on God’s provision and grace. And in looking at my own life, I was seeing the same patterns. So, I don’t want to just write down my struggles and failings…but document the victories too!

The first victory I saw was in our son Weston.IMG_3005 Now, Weston is six but he has the eating skills more of a toddler. It’s a long story as to how this came to be a struggle (I wrote about some of it here), but it’s been a constant battle. One particular battle has been in getting him to eat chicken nuggets. I know…not the most nutritious battle, but God has used this struggle to humble my heart big time in my ideas of being a “good” mom. Anyway, I have been trying and not succeeding or even making progress in this battle for at least a year (probably longer). I had laid aside this particular battle for a while now. Until, I decided to “randomly” buy some chicken nuggets last week. But now I know that wasn’t random, but a prompting from God. Because I put not one but TWO chicken nuggets in front of my son and for the first time EVER, he ate every. single. bite. He even dipped them in ketchup and declared that he liked them (HIGH praise from our Weston)…and then, he requested them for lunch the next day! That is absolutely unheard of from this kid! And that part of my mind and heart that is devoted to thinking/worrying/praying about Weston’s eating, relaxed a bit. This is a HUGE victory and a HUGE blessing!

The second victory is more of a personal battle. I mentioned before that I sometimes struggle with anxiety and I’m slowly starting to learn and acknowledge some of my triggers. Well, one of them is doctors offices…or even calling them to make appointments. I’ve ignored this for years. But my kids are all (over) due for check-ups. One thing that I have started to realize just recently, is that the huge upside to acknowledging (instead of ignoring) my struggles is that I can PRAY about them and trust God IN them. You might be saying, “duh Jess”…but it’s been a transforming lesson for me. Anyway, so I started praying and I called and made the appointments (side note, making doctors appointments for five kids with two last names is a real treat {sarcasm}). Then, I started praying about the appointments. Specifically, that God would calm my heart. I’ve never necessarily had a panic attack in relation to a doctors appointment…but I get really tightly wound beforehand and then exhausted afterwards. IMG_3420My boys had their appointment earlier this week and I was just trusting God with whatever happened. If my body went into panic mode or not. But God, in His kindness, brought such peace to my heart, mind, and body with so many tiny details working together, and for the first time in a very long time, I felt no panic or exhaustion. Praise God! And even if it’s different next time, I want to remember this time and praise Him no matter what. Because ALL the glory goes to Him!IMG_0082

“Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to Your name give glory, for the sake of Your steadfast love and Your faithfulness! Why should the nations say, ‘Where is their God?’ Our God is in the heavens; He does all that He pleases.” Psalm 115:1-3

 

 

His Kindness

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After coming home from a wonderful trip to the beach (https://beautifulthings.blog/2019/08/22/lessons-from-a-birthday-run/) and having some precious moments with God in my back pocket…I jumped right back into life. The next two weeks were crazy. I had experienced this beautiful mountain top lesson from God…but the thing about those, is that as wonderful as they are, you can’t keep living off of them. But I tried. For those two weeks I was inconsistent in the Word and time in prayer and grew complacent in my walk with God. Oh, how quickly I forget my need for Jesus in the nitty gritty every day! But God, in His kindness, used a different experience to get my attention.

To set up this next story, I need to go back a bit. My daughter Ava (13) was born with a complex and life threatening heart defect (https://beautifulthings.blog/avas-story). She spent months in the hospital, had numerous surgeries and procedures and during her first couple of years we spent a lot of time seeing doctors, specialists, and therapists. Through all of that, I met some amazing other “heart moms”, who have been amazingly supportive and encouraging. Through the years, I have been able to have different levels of involvement with the support group they started. They have an event every summer that I try to make it to with Ava…and even though it brings up a rush of memories for both of us, it’s something we have enjoyed doing together.

Fast forward back to this summer. This event for families affected by heart defects was coming up and I realized that it would work in our schedule for Ava and I to go. But I could also feel some anxiety start to well up in me. Another part of my story that I’ve just started to really realize within the last few years, is that I struggle with anxiety…and I’m also learning that there are certain things that can really trigger it. And even all these years later…memories of Ava’s traumatic beginning can be a trigger (even typing that makes me tear up and my hands to tremor). But, I have pushed it aside numerous times before, so I thought I could just do it again.

Then…about an hour before needing to leave for the event, I found myself on the floor of my closet in a full panic attack. Feeling weak and foolish and helpless.

Needless to say, we didn’t make it to the event. My husband found me and helped me to calm down. I don’t often have those kinds of panic attacks, but when I do, they leave me feeling utterly exhausted…sometimes for days.

And if that was the end of my story…that would be a terrible ending! Here comes the good part!

I’m not writing this because I’m an expert on anxiety and I’m not seeking attention for myself or my struggles.

I’m writing this to showcase the kindness of God (remember? I mentioned that in the beginning).

But how does a panic attack showcase God’s kindness?

This is how. It literally brought me to my knees. To the very end of myself and what I imagined I was in control of. In my God’s loving kindness, He brought me back to what was true…I desperately need Him, in every moment of every day. Also, He reminded me that He never left me. He was with me while I was running around getting things done and being busy. And He was with me as I sobbed and gasped for breath on my closet floor.

Now, I’m not saying that if I had been running after God during those two weeks that I wouldn’t have battled anxiety. But what I am saying, is that if I had been immersing myself in His Word and communion with Him, I would have had weapons ready for the battle. But even in my foolishness, God remained faithful and kind.

I don’t have any pretty pictures to go with this post…so I’ll end with something better:

The Lord is faithful in all His words and kind in all His works.                                               The Lord upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down.                 Psalm 145:13b-14