What's God up to?

Thankfulness

/ heartmomma / 8 Comments

My birthday is today.  I am now 27…the age my husband was when he died.  I always really liked that he was two years older than me so that even when I felt old there was this strange comfort in knowing that at least he was older.  I’m weird, I know.  But knowing that in just a few months, I will be older than he ever got to be on this earth is really hard to swallow.  Just another hurt to add to the pile…

So in my wrestling and crying out to God about this, He brought to mind something that He’s been working on me for months but I had put on the back burner.  In a word…Thankfulness.

Here it goes:

Is my first response to hurt, annoyance, loneliness, burdens, pain, to say thank You Jesus?  Not usually.  Why?  That requires a multi-faceted answer I’m sure, but I’m just going to stick to one.  It’s because even at the ripe old age of 26 27, thankfulness is not a natural response…it never has been.  I mean, to those of you who have had children, after giving birth to them and finally getting a glimpse of their sweet, wrinkly, cheese covered face, did they look up at you and thank you for the hours of agonizing pain you just went through to give them life?  Or when you waken to their soft little wimpers piercing cries to feed and change them, do they look up at you adoringly and thank you for all that you sacrifice for them?  Well, if your kids are anything like mine than quite the opposite happens…more screams, more demands, more selfishness ensues.  And it doesn’t end in babyhood.  They learn to talk and they just have a more direct way to show their ingratitude.  Then they grow into adulthood and now they think they really actually have a reason to complain because life is harder than they anticipated.  And mama was right when she told us life wasn’t fair.

But why does that surprise us?  Maybe because we all think bad things couldn’t possibly happen to us.  We’re just normal.  Nothing special.  Well, at least that’s what I thought.  And then my child was born with an incurable disease and I watched the love of my life die in pain.  The temptation is to complain, why me?  Why them?  Why us?  But I forget that God is not a respecter of people.  The hierarchy that we have established is simply from man’s perspective and not how God sees us at all.  He sees no difference between the highest political figure or the wealthiest tycoon, from the simple housewife or the starving orphan.  So if the poor and “forgotten” are expected to suffer than why not everyone else?  And doesn’t God give each of us the same exact thing…salvation, forgiveness, grace?  If I only saw that as the gift that it is and that everything else is but a bonus, wouldn’t that make me more grateful for the everyday blessings and even the irritants?  Knowing that I live in a world deeply affected by sin and death and the fact that there is still beauty and blessings is simply the miracle of God’s grace?  A changed perspective is what I need, so when I wake up in my empty bed and the loneliness threatens to settle in cold and weary, instead of allowing it to take hold, choose to be thankful.  Thankful that He blessed me with a glimpse of unconditional and sacrificial love (both giving and receiving) even for a short time, on this earth…just a tiny peek of Jesus’ love!  And instead of complaining about the mundane, realize that there is no such thing in this life with Christ…ALL things are for my good.  All things are gifts from Him.  And instead of focusing on grieving that Josiah is forever 27 on this earth, to be thankful that God chooses to show me SO powerfully that every day is indeed a gift.  And seeing every day past the number Josiah was given as a bonus…isn’t a bad thing.  While it was not God’s plan for Josiah to know his children or to have his children know him on this earth, every single day is a gift because I do get to know them and to be their Mom.  I do get to pour into their lives.  I do get to continue on in the extraordinary plan God has for me for however long He chooses.

God has a lot to work in me so that I actually live this way…but He’s starting to open my eyes.  And I don’t think it’s coincidence that I happen to be reading this book.  And I don’t think it’s coincidence that this happened to be the point of my pastor’s message on Sunday (or that I happen to be reading through that same portion of Scripture in my devotions).  And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I have been so broken these past couple weeks so that I am in need of His healing.  Nope.  No coincidences.  Gifts!  And I’m oh so painfully learning to see them that way…and be thankful.

What’s God up to?

/ heartmomma / 6 Comments

Last week I learned that a dear friend was diagnosed with breast cancer. Ugh, I hate that word.  The tears have streamed down my face and my heart is just aching.  Immediately I start wondering what I should do?  What should I say?…and even after going through the ringer myself I still find there are no magic “right words”.  I have a list of words that are on my DON’T say list, but most of the time I find any words I do say to be completely inadequate.  As one who loves words, I find that very frustrating.  I have the same problem sometimes when I pray about the deep burdens on my heart…there is so much in my heart but I have no matching words to utter.  But I love that my Jesus can read my heart like a book.  Every groaning and pain and hurt He sees so clearly and knows so intimately.  And the Holy Spirit?  He knows EXACTLY what I’m talking about because Scripture says He prays with “groanings that cannot be uttered” (Romans 8:26) on my behalf.  So, I often find most of my prayers are without actual words and sometimes all I can do is give a tight hug or squeeze a hand and hope that the feeling in my heart somehow shines through…because there truly are no words.

There are also some big changes about to take place in both sides of our family, my birthday is coming up shortly (which brings up a myriad of emotions), I’m still my kids only parent which brings up daily challenges, and add on just every day struggles and grieving and there is a lot on my heart and mind.  My emotions have been all over the place the past couple weeks especially.  But…again, I love that word!  My Lord knew all of this and just when I needed it, gave me Psalm 84.  The whole Psalm is so rich, but a couple of verses in particular have stuck with me like glue.

Psalm 84:5-7

“Blessed is the man whose strength is in You,

Whose heart is set on pilgrimage.  (This is speaking of the Jews traveling to the temple in Jerusalem.  But as I read it and apply it to my own life, I make the parallel of my own life’s journey to Heaven, my final place of worship.)

As they pass through the Valley of Baca,  (meaning valley of weeping or tears)

They make it a spring;  (I love any analogy that has to do with water.  It just breathes refreshment.)

The rain also covers it with pools.

They go from strength to strength; (The Lord will provide His grace exactly when needed {2 Cor. 12:9-10}.  And when I need more, He will provide again.)

Each one appears before God in Zion.”  (I will not be forgotten or left behind.  The Lord will complete His work in me and fulfill His promise by taking me Home!)

(All words in parenthesis are mine and not the inspired Word of God)

There is SO much more in this chapter but these are the verses that my mind has been meditating on and that I have been praying for myself and all those around me.  God’s Word is truly the only stable part of my life and I am always amazed and truly blessed by how it speaks directly into my soul.  I know that I am not the only one who has much weighing on their heart and mind so I hope that these Word’s from God encourage you as much as they have encouraged me.