I’m the guilty one

I’ve tried to make it a practice of reading the account of Christ’s death, burial, and resurrection from one of the gospels every Sunday before church.  It doesn’t happen every week, but it’s always worth it when I can.  This practice started after last Easter when I mentioned to my Pastor how much more real Easter was to me that year.  He understood.  He had been in a similar frame of mind not that many years ago when his beloved wife died suddenly leaving him a single father of seven.  But he said something that really stuck with me, he said almost in passing that really, every Sunday is a celebration of Christ’s resurrection.  My mind was very simple at that time and that thought of celebrating what Christ did for me EVERY Sunday was a profound thought to me…still is.  But to celebrate Christ’s resurrection, you have to grieve His death.

So, that’s the story behind why I started making this a habit.  I have since read each account many times and yet, each time I am deeply moved and often see something new.  God’s Word is truly living and active…amazing!  I’m posting this now because I believe it’s very appropriate on Good Friday, but it actually happened last Sunday.

Last Sunday I had time before my kids woke up to read in the book of Luke the account of Christ’s sacrifice.  I have always heard and believed that it was MY sin that nailed Him to the cross, but have also been admittedly sickened by all the brutality and utter disregard of my Lord before the actual crucifixion.  But on Sunday as I was once again reading through it, my ugliness without Christ was brought home like never before.  All of a sudden I saw myself in the picture that was being painted with the words before me.

For every time I pretend like God can’t see me and I do what I want to do instead, I am the soldiers who blindfolded, mocked, and struck my Jesus.

Every time I fear man more than I fear my God, I am Pilate, afraid to stand up for truth.

Every time I question His provision or His leading, I question who He is and I am the chief priests and scribes.

Every time I say He is the King of my heart but actually put my own desires first, I am Herod and his soldiers mocking my Lord.

Every time I offer a sacrifice with a heart that is not sincere, I am the soldiers offering Jesus sour wine.

I know there are more that I could come up with, but honestly, these are heavy enough.  I deserved ALL of that pain and punishment.  All of it.  But my Jesus looked on me, covered in my filthy sin, and loved me.  That completely blows me away.  Such heaviness and grief today…but, Sunday’s coming!  Oh hallelujah!  Sunday is coming!

“But He was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. 

He was beaten so we could be whole.

  He was whipped so we could be healed.”  Isaiah 53:5

I’m back :)

I know it’s been forever.  And yes, I did use an “Ava-ism” post to buy some more time.

Let’s see….we have been busy,we have been sick, and we have been busy.  That sums up the past month in a nutshell.  I’ve had many posts swirling around in my head, but never seemed to get them typed out.  I’ve been trying to rearrange my priorities and how I spend my time and blogging just hasn’t found it’s place yet…but I’m sure it will in time.

Since about a week after the one year mark of Josiah’s death (which was much harder on me emotionally than I anticipated), the Lord has been doing some new tugging on my heart.  For now, the specifics are just between Him and me and we have been doing some wrestling.  I am honestly so thankful and a bit surprised that my heart could be touched in this way.  My heart has been so broken and beat down and it’s been so long since I was actually excited about my life…it feels good!  I am also terrified.  Potentially stepping in new directions without my partner really scares me.  But I’m more afraid of missing out on God’s plan for me and the blessings I know He will bestow.  I have moved beyond the desire to just lead a comfortable life.  No, I want to live with abandon.  I want to give my all so that when I get to heaven I am completely spent and actually ready to enter into the joy of God’s rest because I have nothing more to give.  I still don’t really know where God is going to lead me or when He will…but my answer is yes.

Ava’s 5th birthday is right around the corner which brings up a range of emotions for both her and I.  It’s hard to fathom that this is her second birthday without her Daddy here to celebrate with her and she’s old enough this year to start understanding that.  Breaks my heart to see her precious heart hurting.  But mostly I’ve been remembering and marveling about her life…and I am so immensely thankful for her and all that God has done and will do in her.  My heart is positively bursting with gratitude that she has made it this far…and she’s gonna be FIVE!  I’m just so amazed by that.  Every year is such a milestone.  Last year I was just putting one foot in front of the other and doing the next thing…and that was it.  This year I am thankful that I am able to reflect and remember…and remember with joy and thanksgiving!  I’m sure I will be devoting more posts to her in the next week 🙂

I guess that’s all for now.  Thanks for sticking with me 🙂