Time has such a unique way of changing your perspective.  You no longer have just the emotions and thoughts of the moment.  So when I look back four years to my twenty-five year old self sitting in a dimly lit hospice room watching my husband take his last breath, I remember it all so clearly.  But time has made it just that.  A memory.  This day every year has become like my New Year’s Day.  It’s a day I remember and reflect.

It was the day that Josiah’s life ended here and his perfect life began.

It was the day that, for the first time, I watched death…and somehow my fear of it was taken away.

It was the day that changed my life in so many ways.

It was an end and a beginning.

And God has been faithful!  He has carried me when I was in the desert of my grief.  He healed, restored, and made deeper my broken heart. He made Himself known to me in ways I never dreamed.

“I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.  Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?  Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.  ‘Hear, and I will speak; I will question you, and you make it known to me.’  I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you…” Job 42:2-5

Much was taken away from me…but God has added beyond what I could imagine.

God has brought me a second Love of my Life!

“God is able to do far more than we could ever ask for or imagine. 

He does everything by His power that is working in us.” Ephesians 3:20

God has added not one…not two…but three children to my heart!

And when I see this sweet face:

how can I not just be in awe of God’s plans?

“I know the plans I have for you,” announces the Lord.  “I want you to enjoy success.  I do not plan to harm you.  I will give you hope for the years to come.  Then you will call out to me.  You will come and pray to me.  And I will listen to you.  When you look for me with all your heart, you will find me.”  Jeremiah 29:11-13

There are no words to accurately describe what’s in my heart except for maybe this…

I vividly remember the first words that I murmured after Josiah died were “Thank You Jesus.”

And those are the words that so clearly ring in my mind and heart tonight.

“Thank You Jesus!”

Wow.  This blogging funk has gotten out of control! I have felt no real zeal for writing lately and have very little time for it anyway.  Plus with the sleep deprived fog I’m in I’m not sure I’ll make any sense anyway.  I had forgotten what torture it is to not sleep! Coffee works wonders for sure, but there are days when that doesn’t even work. Homeschooling the four older kids is going really well this year and for that I am thankful!  But it is still work.  Lots of work.  Also, we are building a house and we are all sooooo very excited about that! I can not wait until we can move in and get settled and am so thankful for God’s provision for it!  But I can’t say I’m excited to pack up the house we are living in…so I’m just procrastinating on that. 

So much going on.  So much living and life and fun and joy and frustrations and worries and weariness.  Motherhood continues to stretch me in ways I didn’t think were possible.  There are so many articles and Facebook statuses about how amazing and wonderful motherhood is.  And that is all very true!  I still totally believe I am blessed with the best job in the world.  But…it is SO hard too.  There are days when I really do not like my job.  There are days when I start questioning if I’m really meant for this.  There are days when I think anyone would do a better job than I am.  There are days when I cry in frustration.  There are days when I lose my temper.  There are days when the responsibility of what I’m doing feels like a heavy weight.  There are days when I let the pressure and stress get to me. 

But it is in those days and those moments when I am given more grace than I deserve.  It is in those days when I see more clearly the work that God still has to do in me. And it is also in those days when I can be most thankful that God doesn’t need a perfect performance from me to love me.

Oh, how He love me!

And it does seem that when I am at my lowest, God blesses me with something unexpected.  I have a moment of connection or laughter with a child that so fills my heart I can’t describe it.  Or, I actually get a decent night’s sleep (Hallelujah!!).  Or I read something in my devotions from God’s Word that gives strength.  Those are the moments that make this job so indescribable!

Because motherhood is not pretty.

But it can be beautiful!