What God’s Up To

/ heartmomma / 6 Comments

I have tried and failed to find words to describe the last eight months.  I’m still not sure if I can, but I’m going to try.  These past months of adjusting to being a family of six have been…hard.  How’s that for being eloquent?  There have been plenty of amazing joys along the way for sure!  But the life of jumping head first into being the mommy of four very needy and hurting and confused kids?  Yea…that part has been hard.  Most of the time I feel so overwhelmed by the tremendous needs that face my every moment.  I don’t feel qualified.  I don’t feel able.  I don’t feel like enough.  Sometimes those feelings can so overwhelm my soul.  My wise Mom is quick to remind me that I didn’t choose this, but that God chose it for me as part of His perfect plan and I just responded with “yes”.  And my dear husband is quick to reaffirm my doubting heart that I am meant to be all of these kid’s mom.  So…I keep going.  The days have gotten easier in a lot of ways as we have all adjusted.  My husband is less likely to find me in a corner dissolved in tears these days!  I take that as progress 🙂

At the beginning of the summer I thought in no way could I even consider homeschooling this year.  I was barely functioning as “mom”, much less adding on “teacher” on top of that!  God slowly changed my heart and showed me that being home this year was what we all needed.  I needed to keep building on what we had started…and I needed to keep growing and stretching too.  Two days into the school year, I found out I was pregnant.  Overwhelmed doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt.  Defeated.  Deflated.  And I felt so guilty for feeling those things on top of it.  But, what on earth was God asking of me?  To give up all?  Well…yes.  Because nothing screams sacrifice like motherhood.  So in the middle of preparing to welcome a small selfish incredible blessing…I’m attempting to teach four very self-centered blessings to deny self…and at the same time, God is teaching me the same lesson.

I can feel the refining fire that I am in.  Sometimes I just want to be out of it…but I also know there is still much that I have to learn in it.  God is taking my small view of love…true sacrificial, unconditional love…and He is expanding it to look more like what His really is.  And…it is hard.  I just pray that when I come out, that all of me will be gone…and all that remains is Christ!

“so that the tested genuineness of your faith – more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire – may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”  1 Peter 1:7

It’s a…..?

/ heartmomma / 6 Comments

My heart was pounding…or maybe it stopped just for a second.  I was trying not to hold my breath as she gently rubbed the wand on my slightly swollen belly, but it felt like time was standing still.  I had been here before.  I had heard that beautiful sound twice before, but I had also been there when there was none…both for myself and for my mother when I was a child.

So, I waited….and then….I heard it.  That beautiful rhythmic sound of my unborn child growing strong inside of me, and a weight was lifted off my chest.  My heart rejoiced and breathed a silent thank-you to the One who created this life inside of me.  Nerves were gone.  Worry satisfied.  And the smile that wouldn’t leave my face was an indicator of the peace in my heart.

When I got back into my car, the events that just happened washed over me again.  My eyes filled with tears…joyful tears…as I again thanked the Giver of Life for such a precious gift.

At 13 weeks gestation, our baby already has fingerprints.

And they are already imprinted on my heart.

I never thought I would ever experience this again, and my heart has been content with that for the past three years.  I will admit that my initial response to this new addition was less than great.  I was overwhelmed…even more than I am already on a daily basis.  I was in shock.  I mean, I thought we might have another child…someday…but now?  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God’s timing is always perfect, even when we don’t understand it.  And I have been through a lot of His timing that I don’t understand.  But I choose to trust Him.  So…God worked in me and I slowly let go of control and released my plans.  Excitement grew, along with the nausea and exhaustion.  Not gonna lie, it’s been a rough couple months.  The love…well the love I have for this child has never faltered…but it has grown.

While this child may be a surprise to us (and the Lord knows I don’t always handle surprises well)…every beat of this baby’s heart and every second of this baby’s life, was ordained before the beginning of time by the One who loves my baby more than I can even imagine.

Expectantly waiting to meet #5 coming this Spring!