Processing…

/ heartmomma / 3 Comments

Most of the time when I actually sit down to write I have things pretty worked through in my head.  Today…not so much.  Whatever comes out of me tonight is still pretty raw.

My lovely sister-in-law got married last night.  She was a stunning and radiant bride and it was so fun to see them both so happy and very much in love!  Ava was the flower-girl and Lincoln was the ring bearer, and I was the Matron of Honor.  The kids were adorable (if I do say so myself).  Ava was in her element with all eyes on her and lived it up and Lincoln was fine going along as long as he had a firm hold of his sister’s hand.  I was so proud of them.  It was such an honor to stand up with Beka and Nick (my sister-in-law and new brother-in-law) and to witness them pledging their lives to each other before God.  Beka actually moved into our house right before Lincoln was born and lived with us for a little over a year.  She was such an amazing help and support during an incredibly difficult year.  We had a close relationship before that but we grew so much closer during that time.  Beka is so precious to me and I’m super excited to welcome Nick to the family!

The wedding was so beautiful and joyful.  Their were lots of laughs and smiles 🙂  And there were tears.  Josiah’s guitar was on display on stage beside me and every time I glanced at it I would have to take a deep breath to keep from losing it.  God gave grace and I kept it together pretty well until I was in the car driving home very late that night (well, actually early morning).  The tears just rolled down my face as I let grief wash over me.  I did no sobbing.  Sometimes my pain runs to deeply for tears to cleanse.  My heart was being ripped open anew as I once again struggled with my Beloved’s loss.  Reality still continues to set in as we reach new milestones and create new memories without him.  I just can’t believe he wasn’t there.  I can’t believe he wasn’t standing next to me on that stage.  I can’t believe he wasn’t there to kiss his sister on the cheek.  I can’t believe he wasn’t there to watch his children walk down the aisle.  I can’t believe he wasn’t there to crack a joke when eyes started tearing up.  I can’t believe he wasn’t there to dance with.  I can’t believe he will not walk our daughter down the aisle someday and dance with her on her wedding day.  I can’t believe he wasn’t there to hold my hand and tell me I looked pretty.  I can’t believe he wasn’t there to drive me home and our house once again felt so empty and still.  Sometimes, I just still can’t believe he’s not here.  Oh, how I miss him.  And I will admit that the thought ran through my mind “it’s just not fair”…as ugly as those words feel to me.  I am incredibly aware and grateful for the MANY hands that helped me…I could not have done it all without them.  God provided.  I am blessed beyond measure for the hugs, the encouragement, the shared joy and pride in my children.  I treasure that I got to dance with the cutest boy I know…my precious son.  I loved spending precious girly time with my daughter.  I am keenly aware of God’s healing power in my life and the strength that he has infused in me to be able to stand strong when the grief was washing over me.  And I am thankful.  But, it doesn’t erase the pain that I have learned to live with as it comes but that I very much still feel.  There is still life to live whether my heart feels crushed or not.

This song has been precious to me today as I am once again in a place that I need my Jesus to whisper to my bleeding heart that He is still faithful.  He is and will always be and He holds me in my hurting…I would be lost without Him.

What’s God up to?

/ heartmomma / 6 Comments

Last week I learned that a dear friend was diagnosed with breast cancer. Ugh, I hate that word.  The tears have streamed down my face and my heart is just aching.  Immediately I start wondering what I should do?  What should I say?…and even after going through the ringer myself I still find there are no magic “right words”.  I have a list of words that are on my DON’T say list, but most of the time I find any words I do say to be completely inadequate.  As one who loves words, I find that very frustrating.  I have the same problem sometimes when I pray about the deep burdens on my heart…there is so much in my heart but I have no matching words to utter.  But I love that my Jesus can read my heart like a book.  Every groaning and pain and hurt He sees so clearly and knows so intimately.  And the Holy Spirit?  He knows EXACTLY what I’m talking about because Scripture says He prays with “groanings that cannot be uttered” (Romans 8:26) on my behalf.  So, I often find most of my prayers are without actual words and sometimes all I can do is give a tight hug or squeeze a hand and hope that the feeling in my heart somehow shines through…because there truly are no words.

There are also some big changes about to take place in both sides of our family, my birthday is coming up shortly (which brings up a myriad of emotions), I’m still my kids only parent which brings up daily challenges, and add on just every day struggles and grieving and there is a lot on my heart and mind.  My emotions have been all over the place the past couple weeks especially.  But…again, I love that word!  My Lord knew all of this and just when I needed it, gave me Psalm 84.  The whole Psalm is so rich, but a couple of verses in particular have stuck with me like glue.

Psalm 84:5-7

“Blessed is the man whose strength is in You,

Whose heart is set on pilgrimage.  (This is speaking of the Jews traveling to the temple in Jerusalem.  But as I read it and apply it to my own life, I make the parallel of my own life’s journey to Heaven, my final place of worship.)

As they pass through the Valley of Baca,  (meaning valley of weeping or tears)

They make it a spring;  (I love any analogy that has to do with water.  It just breathes refreshment.)

The rain also covers it with pools.

They go from strength to strength; (The Lord will provide His grace exactly when needed {2 Cor. 12:9-10}.  And when I need more, He will provide again.)

Each one appears before God in Zion.”  (I will not be forgotten or left behind.  The Lord will complete His work in me and fulfill His promise by taking me Home!)

(All words in parenthesis are mine and not the inspired Word of God)

There is SO much more in this chapter but these are the verses that my mind has been meditating on and that I have been praying for myself and all those around me.  God’s Word is truly the only stable part of my life and I am always amazed and truly blessed by how it speaks directly into my soul.  I know that I am not the only one who has much weighing on their heart and mind so I hope that these Word’s from God encourage you as much as they have encouraged me.