Lessons from a Birthday Run

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I turned 35 this year and it worked out that Dustin and I were able to take a trip to Florida during my birthday. Time away with the hubs plus the beach? Perfect! I had just limped across the finish line of our school year and was feeling pretty spent in a lot of ways, so some time for rest and refresh was perfectly timed.IMG_2479

Also, I’ve moved into this new season of life with more preteens/teens in the house than not…and all the drama that you would imagine that goes with that. I’ve found myself struggling to find my footing in this new stage of parenting. But, while I find this new season challenging to say the least…I so want to learn and grow in it and not just wish it away.

All these things were churning in my mind and heart as I went to Florida.IMG_2571

I purposefully set time aside every day to read and pray and reflect and I made time to run on the beach. It was there that God had some lessons for me.IMG_2520

The first morning I went out for a run I noticed how beautiful the sunrise was over the water and reflected on how God knew the numbers of the grains of sands…and that His thoughts for me numbered the same.Wow! (Psalm 139:17-18)IMG_2477

But…then I started running.

And it was hard and uneven and my eyes went directly down and all I could think about was how difficult it was and just hoping I could stay on my feet. I ran like that until about half way and realized that I was totally missing out on the view by just focusing so much on my own feet.

So, the next day I got up determined to change my perspective.

It was my birthday and it was a beautiful morning, so I turned on some worship music and started my run…with my eyes up this time. I still had to pay attention to where I was stepping, but my focus was up. I was able to run much further and my thoughts were full of worship instead of counting down to the end.

Just by shifting my perspective and “looking up”.IMG_2541

I had been so focused on the hard that I had forgotten to notice the awesome beauty around me. But once I switched my focus, the hard didn’t go away and I still had to devote some focus to my footing…but my whole attitude behind it changed and that changed my whole experience.

And that still small voice whispered to my weary heart…

Look up!

Lean in.

Continue in the hard. But don’t lose sight of ME and the good and the beauty IN the hard.

I wasn’t given the answers to all my struggles…because I don’t need them. What I need is right in front of me.

I just needed to change where I was looking.

“My voice You shall hear in the morning, O Lord; In the morning I will direct it to You, And I will look up.” Psalm 5:3

Light

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Daniel 2:22 – “he reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what is in the darkness and the light dwells with him.”

I like to understand things. Put things in the right place. To have understanding and clarity. I feel most comfortable when I can see things in black and white. But the older I get, the more I realize how much gray there really is….and to get gray, the black and white have to mix.

When it comes to sorting my emotions, I’m the most at a loss when they feel all mixed up. Joy and sorrow, peace and anxiety, excitement and melancholy. How can I feel both at once? It’s confusing and exhausting.

This time of year triggers a lot of these seemingly conflicting emotions in me. And I have to believe I’m not alone in this. I find so much joy in the season. I love reading and reflecting on the true Christmas story. I LOVE the hunt for the perfect gift. I love planning surprises and I love seeing the excitement on my kids’ faces! I have a whole bunch of wonderful Christmas memories to reflect on too.

But…

I also feel heaviness. With my handful of sad and difficult memories popping to the surface at random, and leaving me confused and worn out. Trying to sort it all out during such a full and fast paced season can leave it all feeling…unresolved.

How can it all make sense together? How do I hold the light and the dark?

And that is where I was going wrong. You see, I was trying to put everything in neat little boxes tied up with pretty bows. I was also trying to just ignore the thoughts and feelings I didn’t like, hoping they would just go away. Neither one works.

Because, forcing it all to make sense and pushing away the darkness that I can’t understand is never going to work. I am not equipped to handle it on my own.

Why?

Because Jesus is the light. The true Light. The lasting Light. And He alone fully understands everything in the dark.

This coming to the end of my understanding reveals the depth of my need for the Light. I can not even understand my own heart and mind and I can’t even sort out my own emotions…but God in His mercy offers me rest and comfort and light. How good and kind He is to allow difficult things in my life to gently lead me to Him over and over. Because I need Him. And I can trust Him with my memories. I can trust Him with my emotions. I can trust Him with my heart. And in trusting Him who knows all things, even with the darkness that I can’t understand, He gives me Light. Light in the form of a tiny baby, born in filth and obscurity.

Born to bring freedom.

Born so that I may be born again.

Born to fill us with His glorious light.

2 Corinthians 4:6 “For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.”