Josiah had scans in Iowa City today, so we packed up the kids, shipped them off to Nana’s house, and spent the day sitting in waiting rooms (well, at least I did). The results of his tests were not the greatest….but I don’t think either one of us were really expecting good news (although a miracle would be nice!). The plan is to start a different chemo in a couple weeks. Josiah still needs some time for his blood levels to recover and we have plans for the two of us to get away for a few days and also some family coming in to town so it worked out well to take a “break” from treatment.
People keep asking me how I’m doing. That’s a tricky thing to answer. It really depends on the day. I can have really good days where I am enjoying life and loving on my husband and kiddos and I can have really hard days and I can’t really predict when those will happen. Like today for instance. Most of the time I feel fine while I’m in Iowa City, but there are days (like today) where I am walking down the hall and I literally have to remind myself to breathe. Now, between Josiah and Ava, I have a memory down every hallway and around every corner and sometimes those memories take my breath away. There are times (like today) where I just feel so sad. Seeing those that I love the most being poked and prodded time and time again takes it’s toll on my heart. Watching Josiah’s face grimace while they try again and again to find a good vein as I look down at my own unscarred arms gets old. And today for the first time, instead of feeling sad for all the elderly couples that we always see in the waiting rooms, I was jealous of them. They have something that I want so so so badly. To grow old with the love of my life. To be one of those cute couples that have been married forever and still holding hands. And, in less a miracle happens (which I would welcome with open arms), that’s just not my reality. My reality is that I will probably be a widow before I’m thirty. My reality is that I will probably be a single mom and my kids won’t even remember their Dad. My reality is that I have to prepare to say good-bye to the one person on this earth that I am so close to that we are as one. How am I supposed to do that? Well…I really don’t know. But I take one day at a time and I am learning to deal with the hard days even when I can’t explain them. And I am learning that the ache in my heart is there to stay. And I am learning that it’s OK to not know what I am feeling. But there are days where I long for the peace that I will only feel someday when I am sitting at my Savior’s feet. Oh, how I long for the day when the troubles of this world will vanish. What a day that will be! Can I hear an AMEN?
Why am I writting all of this? I don’t know…it’s just what’s on my heart. Also, it’s a request to please bear with me if you do catch me on a rough day. It’s nothing personal and I’ll probably be “fine” in a few minutes and I just can’t predict it or explain it.
Thank you for all your love and prayers.
Beautiful Things 
Oh, Jess. I am so sorry. I am just in tears while reading your words. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through or how you must feel. You and Josiah are an inspiration- the picture of what a marriage should look like. The two of you have been through way too much heartache together but are still so strong. It is truly inspiring. You are an amazing wife and mother, Jess. Your words encourage me to be a better wife to Craig, because you just never know when your life will change in an instant.
Please know you are in our thoughts and prayers daily. Andrew still asks for “Ada” nearly every day. Please let me know how I can help you…I’m here for you…for meals, to watch the kids…anything. We just think the world of your little family. And we are praying for that miracle with you!
Love,
Jen, Craig & Andrew
Jessica-
Thank you so much for your openness and candidness. My heart aches for you as I read what is on your heart. Thinking about what you and Josiah are going through is a reminder to me to ‘redeem the time’ with my own family, and not take a single moment for granted.
And I want to just thank you so much for stopping by to see us when we were at Blank. I was truly humbled to tears to know that you would take the time to encourage us, when your situation is so much more severe than ours was. We are so thankful and we are praying for a miracle for Josiah, because our God CAN!
Katie
Jess; Thanks for being real and showing us the days that you are not okay. While it does not make it any easier it does help us know how to pray for you. We continue to pray for a miracle or for Jesus to return. Wouldn’t that just be awesome right about now!!!!! Continue to be real and honest and we will continue to pray for God’s arms to wrap around you in the low times when Josiah’s arms might not be strong enough to do it.
Oh my, Thank you for your continual updates. I faithfully check them daily. (And it’s hard to see through salty tears, mixed with burning mascara). This is where I want to be God – or at least His messenger that jumps into the scene and yells, SURPRISE, I have the miracle right here… I needed you to endure all those things because you have impacted so many many people’s lives and I knew I could trust you to be faithful to Me through it all. Thousands have been strengthened in their own faith, millions have learned not to lose hope, billions have passed your testimony along and now know in Whom the answer lies in their own impossible times. And why?…because YOU have been faithful. You never took your eyes off of Me and that is just what I needed you to do. You were that perfect vessel that I have searched to and fro throughout the whole earth to find – a heart that was perfect towards Me. For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to shew Himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward Him. (2 Chron 16:9) And now….. receive My perfect healing in Josiah’s body and live a most blessed and long life together. Enjoy all the good and perfect gifts I have ready to bestow upon you and know that I delight to give them to you. Continue to keep your focus on Me and continue to share the reality of My love for you. And when you are complete on this earth, wait until you see the crowns I have waiting for you in Heaven! They are beautiful – as has been your faithfulness to Me – through the worst of situations.
Anyway… For from days of old they have not heard or perceived by ear, nor has the eye seen a God besides You, Who acts in behalf of the one who waits for Him. (Isaiah 64:4) and eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love Him. (1 Cor 2:9). But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, with men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible. (Matt 19:26)
…It’s what I WANT to do….. if I were God. And yet…. He is FAR more able – eons and eons – to give you the MOST PERFECT answer. He is the Rock, His work is perfect: for all His ways are judgment: a God of truth and without iniquity, just and right is He. (Deut 32:4)
I love you! Pat
Jessica and Josiah remember that God wants us to fall into his arms of comfort and cry out to him for that comfort. The Holy Spirit intercedes for you with groanings that can not be understood, Romans 8. We care for you and your family so deeply. Your transparency allows us to pray for you with better understanding. Thanks for sharing and we are praying.
Thank you for sharing.God does work in misterious ways as he brings all of us together to pray for you and Josiah. I belive He likes our tears also. Thank you for bearing you soul. It was so good seeing all of you yesterday, we are praying, we love you so much.GM&GP
god
AMEN, AMEN, AMEN!! I often day dream about sitting at the feet of Jesus. Just sitting. Not talking. Just resting. Knowing that He completely understands this creature, whom He created, sitting at His feet. And He loves me more deeply than I’ve ever been loved. The complete peace and joy would be indescribeable! I truly can’t wait. But I pray for some semblance of that peace and joy for you, Josiah and Jess, as you wait, and trust, and rest in His perfect will for your lives. I daily pray for a miracle for you.
I will share a prayer request for another miracle. Kurt’s niece, Carissa Subra, is 19 (I think) and just recently got engaged. Just last weekend she went to a dr.’s appt. thinking she had a chest cold. She was told she has cancer in her left lung. The dr. said he was suprised she wasn’t dead. (Not sure he said it quite that way.) She has already started chemo, but there really isn’t a cure for lung cancer. So perhaps you would keep her and her family in your prayers also.
Much love, many thoughts, and so many more prayers,
Jen Subra
JESS,
I know I am sorry gets old but I am! I can also tell you it is normal not to know from minute to minute if you are “okay”! Somedays I can talk about Dylan without shedding a tear, remembering all the good times we had, other days I can’t even hear his name without bursting into tears!
Even now with moving away from our faamily and having yet ANOTHER baby in the NICU, I am again in a situation where I am fine somedays and other days feel like I am suffocating! I can’t explain why bad things happen to good people but I do know the only thing that has gotten me this far is prayers and A LOT of faith! Which I KNOW you have! Some days are harder than others but those are the days we are carried.
I don’t know if this helps but just know you are not alone and it is okay to have bad days!
We love you and continue to pray for strength and healing!
AMEN!! I’m praying for you all–thanks for sharing your heart, and for your continual testimony. We know God is sovereign, but that does not make our days easy, though we know we can trust him. Love in Christ, Lois Dudley
Thank-you for sharing your heart. I love you so much Jess. You inspire me to want to be more in the likeness of our Creator. You truly are SUPER mommy and wife. I can only imagine what you are going through right now. But I do not know. I only DO know that God only gives you what you can handle. AND you are the strongest mommy and wife or 25yrs. that I have ever even heard about!! Your walk with the Lord is incredible and someday we will all be able to be with him! No more or this sin here on earth. Now that is something to look forward to. I love you Jess and you are on my heart and in my prayers continuously!
I hope you got my last post a couple of weeks ago so you know who I am.
I had one lady come up to me at church last week, she told me she had no words other than she was praying for me and could she give me a hug. I’m with her, I don’t know what to say, other than I’m praying for you. I’m so happy that you are on a vacation with Josiah though!
Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
The Lord is good,a stronghold in the day of trouble,
And He knows those who take refuge in Him.
Nahum 1:17
Beth, many prayers have been and are lifted up for you as well.
Job2:10b Shall we indeed accept good from God and not adversity? In all this Job did not sin with his lips.
Ps 27:13-14 I would have despaired…. unless(but) I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord,In the land of the Living. Wait for the Lord, Be Strong and let your heart take courage.
Yes, wait on the Lord.
He indeed is the Stronghold in the day of trouble.
Jessica — I cannot tell you how encouraged I have been by both you and Josiah lately. You guys are showing tremendous faith and God is getting the glory! I mentioned you on my blog today, and I hope you don’t mind. I think there are many who don’t know you that will be touched by your story and might even be reached for the gospel!
You are in my prayers!
~Amy~