I’ll start with Josiah. The last month and a half or so he has started to feel more pain. At first it wasn’t too bad and he wouldn’t take anything for it, then he started taking some Tylenol, and when that started to not be enough he started taking something stronger. Even with the pain meds, he was still feeling pain in his leg/hip/pelvis area. He had an appointment with his oncologist in Iowa City last Friday and he did scans while we were there. The scans showed significant growth, which wasn’t a big surprise. The scans of his lungs showed a lot of growth too, which was disappointing but not terribly surprising either. I had been praying that his lungs would be stable, knowing that it would take a miracle. But, that was just not God’s plan. We talked about some solutions for pain management and decided that a light dose of chemo was the best option for right now. This chemo is not a cure. We are just hoping that it will slow down the growth of the tumor and therefore slow down Josiah’s pain and keep his mobility as long as possible. This is supposed to be a very well tolerated drug with the goal of not hindering his life at all. If it does, than we will stop treatment. Josiah had his first dose on Tuesday (infusion only takes about an hour) and then we went home. He will get a treatment weekly for three weeks and then one week off. He has been more tired this week but really no other side effects. We did not make this decision lightly or without much thought and prayer. We do feel that this is where God is leading us RIGHT NOW. We don’t know about the future.
Let’s see…me. I have had some very difficult days these last couple months. It hurts my heart to see my love hurting. Chances are, if you have thought of a painful thought about my situation, than I have thought about it too. I have a very practical brain, so it quickly can go down very dark paths if I let it. Sometimes I wonder what the benefits are to saying these thoughts out loud. Is it really helpful for anyone if I talk about how panicky I feel sometimes when Josiah’s symptoms get worse? What good does it do if I express how much it breaks my heart to think of my children growing up without their dad? Ava is growing to be more of a Daddy’s girl and I hate the thought of the morning when she wakes up looking for her Dad (which is always her first thought) and I have to tell her that he’s not here and he’s not coming back. And I think about how often I am going to have to answer that question until she remembers…and then, what’s more heartbreaking, she’ll stop asking. My son will not learn how to hunt or fish or throw a ball or be a man, from his Dad. And I…who once was part of two that had become one…what do I become? Half? These are just a few thoughts that float through my mind these days. Sometimes they are in the front of my brain, but mostly I push them to the back. I don’t feel like it does any good to dwell on them, but I’m not very good at dealing with them either. I don’t want whatever memories my kids have of these days to be of me being moody, or sad, or angry. My prayer is that even if they do not have specific memories, that God would allow them to feel like they have always been loved, cherished, and wanted by both their Daddy and me. Again, this is nothing that I can control, but it’s my prayer. OK, I think that’s enough for now.
Beautiful Things 
Jessica, you definitely have a gift for putting your thoughts into words. Although our circumstances are very different, I can empathize with many of the things you said. I remember at times wishing I could share my honest feeling with someone but wondering if there was value in that. I didn’t want to overload any one person, but had times that I really needed to talk. I think I took turns talking to relatives and friends, so I didn’t over do it or alienate any of them. I’m a good listener when you need a new ear to talk to. Praying for you and your family.
Jessica & Josiah,
Just want you to know that we are here as your friends if you need anything at all. We are good listeners and really good babysitters if you and Josiah just need a couple of hours by yourselves. We love you all and are praying God’s comfort & peace for your family now & in the days ahead.
Much love,
Judy Mauseth
Jessica and Josiah,
Words cannot express the ache in my heart as I read your words Jess. I have seen the miracles God CAN work and am praying that His will would be done. Jesus is near the brokenhearted and close to those who are crushed in spirit. I AM praying for you guys much. May the Lord bless you in the days ahead and keep you. May He make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you. May He turn His face towards you and give you peace. I love you friends!
Praying,
Annie
Feeling you pain and praying for you and your family.
Jessica,
My heart breaks for your family and all that you have had to endure in such a short period of life! You seem like such a strong person on the outside but as someone that has been through similar trials and tribulations…I know deep down inside you are just another Mom and Wife. My prayers go out for you to keep strong and for the entire family that Josiah be with you as long as possible. Unfortunately, none of us know what God has in store for us and when our time will come. Just keep your faith in God and he will continue to lead you in the right direction! I am sending my Love and Great Big HUGS to each and everyone of you! God Bless and take care!
VIcki Combs
I love you sweetie! I’m sending you one HUGE cyber hug right now! XXX Sarah
Oh Jessica, I am crying right now! You are such a blessing and are teaching so many people how to depend on GOD alone! How often do we go through our day whining and fussing about the “little things”, but really putting it in prospective, we have absolutely NOTHING to complain about in our blessed lives! I often think how I would handle your situation and what would my reactions and fears be. I dare say that I would like to think I would be as faithful and trusting in the Lord as you are, but I just don’t know. All the consoling words in the world will NOT change the facts, but it is how we deal with the facts that is the most important. Your situation seems so overwhelming, and you have a right to fear, anger, and even SCREAMING just to get it out, but you have CHOSE to trust the Lord and know that this is in HIS hands, which is the greatest faith I have ever seen lived out in someone’s life. Continuing to pray for God’s will to be done. Thank you SO MUCH again for your testimony of strength in uncertain times! Our hearts are with you!
Thanks for sharing your heart Jessica. I am praying for all of you and am thankful that we have a God who cares about every detail of our lives. I am praying that He gives you great strength and comfort in the days ahead. I am praying for wisdom for you and Josiah as well. You are very much loved by many!!
Jess – I love the gift God has obviously given you in expressing your emotions. We pray for you often… Ryan and I have been talking for the past year that we would love to get to know you guys better. You are one of those couples that we always enjoy when we are around at church and stuff, and always saying that we should have you to dinner, but it never happens. If dinner sounds good to your family (and Josiah is up for it) we love to have you over – let’s do it some night – give me a call 689-6792. Love – Jen
Jess,
My heart just hurts for you. Do continue to update us and share your words… we want to know how you are doing, and I know that journaling must be somewhat therapeutic for you. I just am still in shock over this whole thing. You have done so much for our family by loving Andrew and taking him in as part of your family last year. I just wish I could change this for you. I am so, so, sorry. Andrew says prayers every night (he can actually list the names all by himself now!) and “Ava” and “Ava’s Daddy” are always towards the top of his list. Your children ARE blessed. You are Josiah are wonderful parents, and I am sure they will ALWAYS remember that. PLEASE call me anytime- I would love to chat with you, have you come over with the kids to play, watch the kids for you…ANYTHING you need. How about another meal? I just wish I could do something to make this go away. Please know how much we are praying and thinking of you.
Jen, Craig & Andrew
http://www.thehuegelfamily.blogspot.com
Johnson Family,
Know we are praying for you and your family is often in our thoughts. Your stregnth is inspirational.
Jessica,
You have been on my mind lately, my heart aches for you. I’m praying peace for you and Josiah, and that God will give strength. I can honestly say that our God is faithful, He will sustain you when you don’t think you handle it anymore. He promises to walk through the valleys with us, hold on to that, I do every day! Praying lots……..
Jessica,
Thanks so much for sharing with all of us. We can’t begin to understand what you’re all going through, but we continue to pray & pray & pray – everyday for you guys.
You are SO brave Jessica. It’s so easy to reply to your posts when there is a light at the end of the tunnel, or when things are going well, etc….but so difficult to know what to say to bring you any comfort when its not-so-good. So, here I am just to let you know I care. Thank you for sharing your heart. With regard to wondering if/when to post, just know that you are an example to others and our “hard knocks” in life become not really as important as they seemed to be when we see what you go through and most importantly, how you handle it. We are all learning from you. We are all thinking/praying for you guys…and your family is in our hearts…always!
Jess & Josiah,
You continue to be in our prayers daily. The love that you have for each other and your children, along with your faith in God will be the strength to get you through each day. I know you will share/express in your own time. Please remember that we are here for you and that we share a special day with Ava & Joey.
Love, Hugs & PRAYERS ~
Dear Jessica,
I want you to know that I have been praying for you all. I haven’t written to you in the past, but please know that you have all been in my prayers. Josiah and our girls were in the same homeschool group when they were younger and we went to many homeschool events where you were also, so i remember you and your mom. One place was Hidden Acres.
You and your little family are such a testimony. Keep looking to our Lord.
Love in Christ,
Shirley Johnson and family