Sucks, sucks, SUCKS. A lot.
I don’t usually talk like that, but I’ve been wanting to use that tittle for a while now and today seemed appropriate. Yesterday, we had the talk. The hospice talk. I kinda figured it was coming, but I wasn’t expecting it at this appointment. Josiah was scheduled to go to Iowa City yesterday for a chest x-ray and a check-up with his oncologist. He’s been having trouble with his lungs, shortness of breath and some coughing. The x-ray showed fluid in half of his right lung…a result of the tumors. There is not much that can be done, it will probably just keep getting worse. It’s not like they gave him a timeline or anything, they really have no idea what the future holds. But they did think that getting hospice on board for when we need them would be a good idea. It was an emotional meeting. Everyone shed some tears…I think the doctor teared up too.
Sometimes I feel like we have packed a life-time of experiences into the past five years and it makes me feel old and tired…just completely worn out. Other times I feel so young and inadequate to deal with some of this and make all the decisions that we have to make. But most of the time I feel a confusing mixture of the two…yesterday I felt like I was in the winter of my life and also so unequiped to know what to do…I’m only 25 for crying out loud and It’s not like you cover this in pre-marital counseling or anything. The hospital staff were all very nice and caring about everything, but it’s still decisions that WE have to make. It sucks. I hate that this stuff taints everything we do…even though we try not to let it, it’s always there.
I really do experience God’s peace…but it’s a moment by moment struggle to stay in that place of peace and trust and I often do not win that fight. In our doctors meetings it’s an even harder battle. Usually at home I keep my myself so busy with laundry and dishes and cooking and cleaning and reading books and dealing with 1-yr old tantrums and 3-yr old tantrums and playing games and doing “projects” and talking with my hubby, that I don’t let myself have time to cry too much, or be sad too much, or be angry too much, or depressed too much. It’s a good thing. And this is not a plea for more help or meals because you all have been MORE than generous and giving. But after meetings like we had yesterday, I feel so overwhelmed by all that I have on my plate. I would not trade one second of my life with Josiah for anything…but I hate that I am slowly saying good-bye to him. There are times when I feel like I just can not go on…but I do. God leads me a long just one step at a time. I wish I could say that this journey has made me stronger and more faithful in spending time in the Word and in prayer. But I don’t feel that way. The things I struggled with before and are just magnified now.
So, there you have it. It sucks doesn’t it? I’m not even going to try to wrap this up. I just can’t tonight. I hope you all know me well enough by now to know that this is just a small part of what is going on in my heart. There are many happy, thankful thoughts in my head as well…it’s just not what’s coming out tonight.
Beautiful Things 
Oh, Jess. You certainly can’t be expected to always have happy and thankful thoughts. We want to be here for you always, including the moments you are having the thoughts that this all just plain sucks. Because it does. I am still in disbelief. You are way too young to have endured so much pain in your life. But yet you handle it with such grace and maturity. You are truly an inspiration. Please know that we want to do so much more than we are…we think of you all the time. We pray for Ava and “Ava’s daddy” every night (Andrew remembers it all!) If you ever feel like getting out- I’d love to watch the kids for you. Andrew misses Ava a lot. I would also love to bring you another meal. Will you let me know when it would help you most?
Praying that you find peace this Christmas and that God will hold all of you in His loving arms…
Love Jen, Craig & Andrew
http://www.thehuegelfamily.blogspot.com
I would like to wholeheartedly agree with the premise of Cancer Sucks. The Peltz family sends you guys love and joy and support. Please tell Josiah we are thinking of all of you.
Jess, just read your post. Hon, I am so grateful that you have this medium to share your heart with us. Any of us who have walked through life challenges know the mixture of thoughts that bombarding into our minds and hearts. I am honored that you trust us with your thoughts.
We will be lifting you (and that lovely family) today and trusting that His love would surround you, hold you and guide you and bring you peace. May Abba manifest Himself today as Jehovah Rapha. Love and hugs to you all.
Like a hoover, honey.
Jess,
Thanks for sharing your heart, you have a gift of communicating through written words. I pray you would see a way in which His mercies are new today. Rob would want you to give a hug to Josiah for us…I’m sure you won’t have trouble doing that 🙂
Love, Rob and Julie
Jessica,
Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us. You are such a special child of God! I pray that God will continue to wrap His loving arms around you during this time. LOVE YOU!!!
Jess,
You’re right…it does suck. I’m wraping my arms around your family in prayer. Love you so much.
Amen sister!! As I was told yesterday, you don’t have to be strong all the time, it’s ok to break down and be human. Keep holding on to the One who loves you more than even Josiah can!! He will be the strength when you are weak. I won’t sugar coat it, you will be weak, but God has your back, and that makes all the difference in the world!!
Jessica and Josiah,
Jessica and Jessica,
There is a master plan which we could not understand now, even if we could see it. We will ‘suck’ in our breath in awe when we at last understand.
Love and support to you all.
Grandpa and Grandma Stephenson
Jessica,
I can only continue to think how strong you seem on the outside. As you know I have had my boughts with having to deal with my 15/21 year old daughter going through cancer and almost losing her the last bout with it. It is not easy to express everything that is going through your mind yet you do such a good job of it. My heart goes out to you Jessica! Your situation is different yet the same as mine was at one time. I wish you all the good God has to offer you through this struggle! Shower Josiah will all the love you can and make all the memories you can together as nobody can ever take them away even though he may be taken from you in body. My prayers and thoughts are with you! HUGS!
Vicki
Oh, Jess and Josiah. I cannot begin to fathom all of the emotions that you are going through right now. Just know that I am praying for you.
We are continuing to lift your family up in prayer. We send you blessings of the season. Thanks for sharing your heart & your family with with us.
Dear Jessica,
Our family faithfully prayed for “Baby Ava”. We cried when things didn’t go well, and rejoiced at each little miracle. And now, we are all praying for “Ava’s daddy”. You have all experienced so many trials in your short time together here on this earth. Yet you never stop praising our Heavenly Father. Your faith is an inspiration to us. Thank you for your example. We will continue to lift you up in prayer.
Jessica,
You don’t know me (I’m the sister of a friend of your sister-in-law), but I just want you to know that I’m praying the Lord will heal Josiah, meet all your emotional needs as a hurting wife right now, and give you unending strength.
Here is a verse that I often think of when I think I can’t do any more: for the Lamb in the center of the throne will be their shepherd, and will guide them to springs of the water of life; and God will wipe every tear from their eyes.” (Rev. 7:17)
Even though everything hurts and sucks right now, one day our loving God will fold us up in his arms and wipe every tear away.
Joanna
Awe, sweety. I know you don’t know me, but I’m friends with Bethany. I’ll continue to lift you all up in prayer. May God be with you always. =)
Oh Jess…you are absolutely right! In fact, if I dare speak on behalf of many other people–which I shouldn’t do, but I’m gonna…we all feel like this sucks and want to shout it from the mountain tops but don’t! We want to follow your lead and build you up, but now that you have responded–I will too! This is poopy!!! We absolutely trust in God’s sovereignty and even though we can’t grasp His hand or mind behind all of this…we wait, we cry, we trust, we pray and we fight untruth and doubt. Sister, you are walking this road as you are able. God sees you and hears you, and most of all He loves you. He really does. Hang on–you’re gonna make it! Thanks for you thoughts. I love you and am praying for you!
Aha! Finally found this note. No wonder we’re all feeling the pull to our knees. Sometimes we just have to rail a bit. It’s o.k. Because God understands it all because of Jesus, Emmanuel. Thanks for sharing and helping us know better how to pray for you.
Jess, you have a wonderful way of putting all of your feelings into words and letting everyone share in your pain and your pride. I continue to pray for all of you. I pray that Josiah’s pain can be controlled. I just can’t imagine all of the emotions and thoughts that you both go through on a daily basis. Ava and Lincoln are so blessed to have such a terrific Mommy and Daddy. Merry Christmas!!
Love,
Carrie, Michael, Mason and Emma
You are so right, it does suck–I sit here and cry for you all as I read you notes. I’m thankful we know God is in control, and loves us so much, but it has to be very tough to go through. I pray your family will have an especially sweet day this Christmas.
Love in Christ,
Lois