As I was looking at our family picture above, of all four of us together and Josiah looking healthy and himself….it seems like that time was a dream. When we were just at home and together. I miss it.
Josiah has had some rough days and nights. He is very confused and not himself much of the time. He can switch from being almost childlike and totally dependent on me for every little thing, to belligerent and paranoid and fearful. He can change from one moment to another without warning. There have been a couple times when he has not known who I am and he has accused me of lying to him. I know this is the medication making him act this way…but it still hurts.
Last night he woke up and his eyes were wide open (he has hardly opened his eyes at all in days) and I can’t even explain the look on his face…like he was seeing me but also looking right past me to a world I could not see. He thought his time had come and he kept telling me he loved me and wanting to hold me. We cuddled in his bed for quite a while. He wanted everyone to know how much he loved his children. He wanted to make sure he had everything taken care of. He wanted his parents to come and he spoke loving words to them. He prayed and sang “There will be a Day”. He was ready to go…but God was not ready yet. He was a little restless last night, but not as bad as the couple nights before. He is still with us and I am thankful for that gift.
Sometimes I wonder how much my heart can take. There is a real, physical pain when you feel your heart breaking. I have felt it one time before when I said good-bye to my daughter before her last surgery and I truly thought that would be the last time I saw her. I started feeling it last night and I just prayed that God would hold my heart together. Josiah needs me to be strong. He does not do well with a lot of emotions right now. So…I cry in the bathroom, or as I go to sleep. I can feel my heart slowly…painstaikingly…being ripped apart. But for now, I need to keep it together. I pray I am able to continue to do good for my husband (Galatians 6:9) until he reaches Heaven’s gates and the open arms of Jesus. God is faithfully giving me balm for my soul through His Word. All of my energy and focus is on my husband right now and while there will be some relief when he is in his real home and in no more pain, I know my pain will just be beginning. For now, I am living one day at a time…sometimes one moment at a time…and God is giving me the strength for that.
Beautiful Things 
Praying so hard for all of you–
Praying for you daily and often… thankful that God is giving you strength.
praying much Jess! Grateful for the strength of God…praying for your heart…love from KC
“Heavenly Father, I pray for Jessica, Josiah and their family today. Give them strength. Comfort them. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”
I just can’t find the words….I’m so sorry….please know that many people are praying for you – even ones that aren’t commenting here. You are being lifted up!
Praying for you daily….may God give you the strength to endure…wishing we could help ease your pain…truly.
Donna Hardin
Jess,
Our hearts are breaking for you and with you. But we look to the Great Savior to uplift you and carry you thru this super difficult time, and pray you’ll have His beautiful peace.
Love,
Tiffany Wagner
Will for sure keep praying much for each of You. God knows all things and loves You all so much. Thank You for enduring and trusting Him.
God’s grace to you guys.
Rose (Newburn) Miller
Your posts are so heart wrenching, I am praying for you and your sweet family. What a wonderful testimony you are through this difficult time.
Dear Jessica, You have never met me, but my husband and I knew Josiah and his parents when he was very young. My heart is heavy for you and I want you to know that we are praying, both individually and at our church. You are finding God’s faithfulness to His promises in all of these hard things, and we are praying that your faith will not falter and you will continue to hold onto Him…as He is holding onto you. Psalm 138:3 says “On the day I called Thou didst answer me; Thou didst make me bold with strength in my soul.” May God make you strong for the days ahead. In Christ’s love, Jenni Rendall
My arms are wrapped around you in prayer. So many people you have never met are praying earnestly for you and your family.
“…In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
Jessica,
Our words are just so inadequate now….I just wish I could wrap you up in my arms and comfort you in some way….however, I know that our Heavenly Father can do a much better job of that than I ever could. Rest well tonight in HIS promises. Thank you for being an amazing woman of faith.
Father, pour out your love and comfort on this dear family and give them YOUR peace and rest tonight.
We love you guys…..praying……
Judy
Jessica,
I’m a friend of Josiah’s mom. You, Josiah, and your kids have been in my daily prayers for a long time and will continue to be.
I wanted to send you a poem that was written by my great aunt in the early 1900’s. It has come to my mind so often when I pray for you both, so I thought I’d send it.
At Evening It Will Be Light
The morning of life is over.
It’s noontide has passed away.
And I’m setting amid the shows,
That herald the close of day.
But no dread my heart can harbor
Of the fast approaching night.
For I am resting in the gracious promise,
At evening it shall be light.
I have had my share of sorrows,
My bosom has throbbed with pain.
There has come to me in passing,
Little what the world calls gain.
But I hold a priceless treasure,
That is hidden from mortal sight.
And I know when the day has ended,
At evening it will be light.
So as I journey onward,
No murmur shall pass my lips.
Even though the cup be bitter,
That I drain with the slowest sips.
For along life’s saddest gloaming,
I am beholding the glory bright.
And I’m resting in the gracious promise,
At evening it shall be light.
Written by Margaret McGinnis
May God wrap you, Josiah, and your families in His arms during this time….may He carry you.
Praying for You Both,
Montessa Brown
Dear Johnsons,
We’re lifting you all up in prayer and knowing that God is carrying you so that you aren’t walking this path alone. He never lets go, never, ever, no matter what…may He wrap his loving arms around you and your sweet family.
“Even though I walk …” lyrics:
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
Chorus:
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth
Chorus:
Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You
In love & prayers,
Beth Duckstein
Hi Jess,
You do not know me, but I’m a friend of Bethany and I want you to know that you are such an amazing encouragement. Your strength and walk with the Lord are both amazing. You and your entire family are in my prayers. May the peace of God that surpasses all understanding be with you always. And may His wisdom continually guide you. God bless. =)
Thankful for God’s grace. Praying!! We love you.
Love,
Amy and Matt
could I stay with Josiah for an hour or two while you take Alena out to eat or to see your kids? hurting with you, grandpa s.
Oh honey, my heart is aching for you! Praying, praying, praying…I love you so much! We love you! Hugs~
Dear Jessica and Family,
Our hearts ache with you, and it is hard to find right words to bring you comfort.
In praying for you, God brought several verses from the Song of Solomon to mind, specifically S of Songs 8:5 for you: “Who is this coming UP from the wilderness, LEANING on her beloved?” The Father sees the wilderness you are walking through and He knows you are leaning on Him and His desire is to comfort and strengthen you. Many waters cannot quench His everlasting love for you. He weeps with you and collects your tears in a bottle.
Psalms 56:8. “You keep track of ALL my sorrows. You have collected ALL my tears in your bottle. You have recorded EACH one in your book.”
Psalms 30:5 “Weeping may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”
As you lean on your Beloved, He will lead you through this Valley of Baca (sorrow) to the other side. You are His beloved, His treasure, His bride and you have captured His heart. He delights in you.
(S of S 4:9)
May the love and prayers of many comfort and strengthen your heart.
Nancy Milton
Knowing a glimpse of what you and Josiah are going through, I ache for youboth. Our family is praying for yours.
Love, Carol
Jessica,
I’m praying that God will hold you tight in his loving arms and hold your heart together. He will bless your sweet and tender ministry to your husband. This is what it means to walk through the valley of the shadow of death and fear no evil. You are loved, Josiah is loved, and our loving God is waiting to receive him.
One more verse, a promise of strength and favor: For you bless the righteous, O Lord; you cover him with favor as with a shield. (Psalm 5:12) I’m praying that for you, for Josiah, for your whole family.
I have no words. I cannot even imagine. You are constantly in our thoughts and prayers. May strength and grace be yours through our Savior and Lord who is faithful to give…continuing to pray…
My thoughts are with you… always.
I love you Josiah and Jess!
My two best friends–oh how I wish I could make all the bad, hurting, and heartbreak go away. I love you so much.
Aubs
I’m praying for your family, and I admire your strength and testimony.
Jessica —
Thanks so much for sharing.
Please know that our hearts are so heavy for you and your little family. I just can’t imagine the strength it takes for you to endure just one more day. It has to be God getting you thru even hour by hour and minute by minute. I know that you could not do it without Him.
We cry for you and pray for you. Keep on trusting Him.
He will pull you through.
Marilyn & Garold Quick
Our small group at CEFC in Platteville has been praying for your family. I heard my all-time favorite Chris Tomlin song today on the radio and wanted to share it with you in case you aren’t already familiar with it. The message is one of power and encouragement. We will continue to lift your entire family before the King of Kings.
Praying. Praying. Praying.
Loving you always.
We’re all praying Jess, but we’re weeping too. We’re weeping with you. There are no words so we trust the Holy Spirit to go and speak on our behalf for you. And we weep.
Jess,
I’ve been struggling a bit the last few days and this song came to mind as I wrapped up my devotions this morning. I thought maybe it would be an encouragement to you as well. I love you and pray for you.
Grace
by Carolyn Hamlin
Lord, as I seek your guidance for the day,
I find my thoughts unyielding: confusion clouds my way,
But, then when I bow to you, the challenges you guide me through,
Your promises are ever new: I claim them for today.
Your will cannot lead me where your grace cannot keep me.
Your hand will protect me: I rest in your care.
Your eyes will watch over me: Your love will forgive me.
And when I am faltering, I still will find you there.
Each new day’s design is guided by your hand,
And graciously revealed as I seek your Master plan.
Keep my footsteps faithful when from you I go.
Return me to the joy that your blessings can bestow.
Your will cannot lead me where your grace cannot keep me.
Your hand will protect me: I rest in your care.
Your eyes will watch over me: Your love will forgive me.
And when I am faltering, I still will find you there.
Your eyes will watch over me,
Your love will forgive me,
And when I am faltering,
Lord, I will find you there
I don’t know you personally, I found your blog through Olivia Yates’ facebook. I just wanted to say your strength and faith is such an encouragement. You have prayers coming your way from Fayetteville Arkansas.
God bless!!