I think I have been silent long enough. I don’t have any real idea of where this post is going…so hang on. How do I even put into words these last couple days….or weeks…or months. Where do I even start? There are some things that may always just be too painful to write about. Other things may come out in time.
I miss him.
Yesterday at Josiah’s visitation, I really missed him. I really could have used him standing by my side…instead he was lying in a casket. I was not prepared for how incredibly difficult it was going to be walking down that isle behind his casket…the same isle I walked down a little over five years ago…except that time he was standing at the other end waiting for me. That day I wore white…yesterday I wore black. I can’t even describe the emotions that were racing through me. That and saying good-bye at the grave-sight….so hard. I just let down for a few moments. Then I just knew I had to be the first one to move and leave….even though I so wanted to be the last. I’m just doing the next thing…that’s my new motto. I am not letting myself have regrets…I don’t have time for them. My babies need me now more than ever…and do I ever need them!
A young family asked me how they could pray for Ava and Lincoln (you know who you are), and I think I said something about praying that Ava would have understanding. Ava has been processing. You probably couldn’t tell that by looking at her…but a mom knows. From the time she was an infant, I felt like I could look into her eyes and see what she was thinking…and she can often do that to me too. Anyway, the night Josiah died, I felt very strongly that I needed to go home and I needed to be there with Ava. Ava needed to know where her Daddy was and I needed to be the one to tell her. Almost the minute she got home (I was there waiting for her) she asked “where’s Daddy”. That was a very typical question from her. I got her into bed and I cuddled in next to her and told her that Daddy had died and he was in heaven with Jesus. I told her that we were sooooo happy for him because he had no more owies, no more medicines, no more sickness, or doctors, or hospitals…that Jesus had made him all better in heaven (I knew she would appreciate that as she was always so concerned about him). But I told her we would miss him, and that was OK, and that we would cry, and that was OK too. She was very quiet (which is very unlike her) and then she changed the subject. I was so busy the next couple days making arrangements, that I didn’t see her much, but I would have her brought home to spend the night. She was very cuddly and affectionate…much more than usual…and I could just see it in her eyes that she was thinking. She had only asked one other time where her Daddy was and had only wanted a short answer. Yesterday, after everything was done, I decided to go home and just spend time with the kids. I was exhausted, but I knew that the three of us needed to be together. I hadn’t seen Lincoln since Monday, and we were missing each other very much. I know it was a God thing that I made that choice because later in the evening, Ava finally opened up. She came to me and told me she was sad and I scooped her up in my lap and asked her why she was so sad. In a barely audible voice (I actually had to have her repeat it so I could make sure what she said), she said, “I just want to go to heaven to be with daddy”. That about broke my heart, but I was so glad that she understood some of it and I know it was such an important thing for her to be able to get that out. I hugged and loved on her for a while and we had a little chat. Then I let her down and she said “I’m happy now!”, I told her that was just fine too…that it was perfectly OK to be happy. A few minutes later, she said she was sad again. I asked her why again and she said “I’m sorry it was all my fault”. Oh, my heart fell. I’m not even sure if she really knew what that meant…but I reassured her that this was in absolutely NO way her fault. She happily agreed with me and went on to eat her dinner. That’s the beauty of being three I guess. She has had other times when she has told me she is sad and when I ask her if it’s because she misses Daddy, she nods her head. But I don’t see that tortured little look in her eye any more, and I’m thankful for that. Last night as I was putting her to bed, instead of reading from her Bible story book, I explained to her God’s plan of salvation. After I was done and she had asked all her questions, I layed her down and she got teary eyed, so we talked about Daddy. She shared a funny memory, one that she can’t possibly remember but must have seen the picture, and we giggled about that for a while. Both her and Lincoln (who hadn’t been home in nearly three weeks) have been much more in need of love and affection from me than normal…I am more than happy to give it. Please keep them in prayer, they both have a lot of adjustments to make in their own little ways.
I am purposing in my heart not to put any kind of “grieving standards” on me or my kids. We will all do this in our own time and way. In a way, I have been grieving for months. As Josiah’s cancer progressed, and ever so slowly, he wasn’t able to do things we were accostomed too…I grieved for those things. Not to say that I won’t grieve for them some more…but it’s not a total shock to me. My pain is very real and it runs very deep. But there is a sense of relief knowing that he is free and in no pain and is being taken care of far better than I could. I can’t tell you how helpless a feeling it is to sit by and watch your love suffer, knowing you can do nothing. My every nerve has been on alert for months…that takes a toll. In Josiah’s last month, he needed me by his side almost constantly. I knew what he needed and I knew what his meds were and what they were for and how much he needed and when he needed them. He wasn’t able to reach his feet the last several months, so I washed them and I put his socks and shoes on. Near the end he couldn’t use the bathroom by himself or eat by himself or brush his teeth. He felt most comfortable with me doing those things for him….and it was an absolute HONOR to do them. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. It was my last love gift to him and I willingly and joyfully did it. But my heart was torn. I was still a mommy and I barely saw my kids. My husband came first…but it doesn’t always mean that was easy. I guess I’m not even going to worry if this sounds bad or not, because it’s true. But now that Josiah is in heaven and there is nothing more I can do for him and nothing more he even needs or wants…my heart feels more at rest. I am at home with my children and I don’t feel torn anymore. It hurts not to share all the cute little things they do with the one other person who cares as much as I do. I’m going to have to learn to play army men…that’s something Josiah did. Valentines Day is coming up…our engagement anniversary is next month…Ava’s 4th birthday is just around the corner…and every normal day in between will have their own set of struggles. But I know that if God’s grace has gotten me this far…He will continue. I think the thing I fear the most is if Ava had more health struggles…I’m not sure how I would handle that without Josiah right by my side. But, I’m going to try not to borrow trouble and just take one day at a time.
Thank you for all your wonderful support! I don’t think I have ever had so many hugs in my life as I did yesterday. I was completely overwhelmed with how many of you came to the service and many more that were watching online. Pretty amazing. But Josiah was a pretty amazing man so I guess I’m not surprised 🙂 I so appreciate all of you that said you would continue to pray. Please do. We need them.
Beautiful Things 
I have been praying for your whole family. The service greatly touched me and I am sure many other people as well. You are following Josiah’s example by taking her to the cross for the answer to her questions.
A friend sent this to me today… it reminded me of you:
Kuttles
It Is Well: A Worship Album
Tooth & Nail Records
………………………………
If You washed away my vanity
If You took away my words
If all my world was swept away
Would You be enough for me?
Would my beating heart still sing?
If I lost it all
Would my hands stay lifted
To the God who gives and takes away
If You take it all
This life You’ve given
Still my heart will sing to You
When my life is not what I expected
The plans I made have failed
When there’s nothing left to steal me away
Will You be enough for me?
Will my broken heart still sing?
If I lost it all
Would my hands stay lifted
To the God who gives
And takes away
If You take it all
This life You’ve given
Still my heart
Will sing to You
Even if You take it all away
You’ll never let me go
Take it all away
But I still know
That I’m Yours
I’m still Yours
Oh, I’m Yours
I’m still Yours
I’m still Yours
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjSvml7iWeQ
l really don’t know what to say that could console your family. you are sure on my mind each day and I will keep you in my prayers!!I was one that watched the service and it was nice . yes Josiah was a good man, I feel like I know you and your family,from your writings. I hope when things start getting as normal as they can now that you try to put all of your writings in a book for the kids, that when they are older they can read , and know what kind of a father they have, I say Have as you know he is watching over you.
sincerly and all Gods Blessings marge
I’m praying so much for you all.. and I am so very sorry for your loss.
Please know we will continue to pray for your little family; I do hope we can meet some day…bless you…our hearts hurt for you and yours.
Warmly,
Donna Hardin
You do not know me but I have been reading your blogs and looking at your pictures. I know you by Erin White. Her father Pastor Greg White is our pastor at First Baptist Church in Pana, Ill. I so admire your love for the Lord and the love for your husband. The services brought tears to my eyes. We don’t know what the Lord has in store for us, which is a good thing. We will keep you in our prayers and may the Lord bless you and your beautiful children. God Bless
Thanks for sharing your heart Jessica. You are a wonderful writer and I know you will be glad that you wrote these things down. I am sorry that I wasn’t able to be at the funeral, but I did get to watch it online. What a wonderful testimony to our Saviour that Josiah had. I didn’t know him well at all, but can tell he was a wonderful man. May God bless you and comfort you in the days ahead. I know that many people are available to help you, but I would love to do anything I can for you. With my parents living so close to you, I am often over at their house and could help you with anything you want/need. If you need a Starbucks delivered to you, I can do that! I know you like Starbucks. 🙂 Or, if you just need something quick from the store and don’t want to get your kids out, I could help you out in that way too. 205-3363….that’s my phone number. Call me anytime! Continuing to pray for you, Ava, and Lincoln.
Jess,
The service yesterday was absolutely beautiful. What an amazing testimony to the kind of person Josiah was. That he would want to send us a message to open our hearts to God at his funeral. Craig and I have talked about it in great length. I can feel our marriage strengthening, and I smile because I know that is what Josiah would want. 🙂 His purpose is quite clear. What an honorable man he was. He will live on in many hearts of those whose lives he touched. I am honored to know you both, and I will continue to pray for you and sweet Ava and Lincoln. Please remember, I am right here in Ankeny, and I would be MORE than happy to help you in any way you need. Please don’t hesitate to call. I will wait to call and bug you, but I DO plan to bring you another meal…sometime down the road when you really need it (like last time.) 🙂
May God grant you peace. We’ll be praying!
Jen, Craig & Andrew
http://www.thehuegelfamily.blogspot.com
Jessica, it is such an honor to continue to pray for you and your precious kids. I was so touched by so many things yesterday, but the grace that God has given to you and your families touched me the most. God is so faithful and will continue to be in your life. We are looking forward to seeing how He will use your journey to further His Kingdom. We continue to pray for Ava & Lincoln as they adjust. How wonderful that they have both Grandpas and uncles here to do “guy things” with!! Everytime I drive by your house (which is many times a day!!) I pray for you. I trust you will let me know if you need anything or if I can run an errand for you, or just stop to give out hugs 🙂
Rest well tonight secure in the Father’s love for you and your little ones and the love that so many of us have for you. You are such a blessing to so many!
Although I do not personally know you or your family, I have been deeply touched by your story. I just happened to stumble across your blog the day before Josiah passed away. Yesterday, as I watched the slideshow of your family photos, Christ was very present in my heart. It is very obvious to me that Josiah was a very godly man. A very courageous man, too. Even though I never met your husband, his story has been very inspirational to me and deepened my relationship with Christ. I know it wasn’t just by accident that I came across your blog 🙂
You appear to be a very strong woman, and I thank you for sharing your family’s story. I will continue to pray for all of you.
We will continue to bring you and the kids before the Father. Kali is very touched by all of this and is wanting to send a card. I just have to look back to find your address.
Oh Jess
I haven’t even had time to process all of this post because you said so much but I’m glad you’re writing. I’m glad you spoke yesterday. I’m glad Ava’s processing. I’m glad Lincoln’s in his own bed again. I’m glad you’re being a family and doing your thing. And I’m glad Josiah’s feeling no more pain. One day at a time, one foot after the other, one breath and then another. You can do this. You were beautiful yesterday. Praying for all 3 of you. Stay in the Word.
Love
Margie
Dear Jessica,
What an amazing service! Thank you for sharing it. Your “ramblings” are good. Good for you to post and share. Good for others to read and know how to pray. I am thankful you don’t feel torn anymore. “Just doing the next thing” is a great motto. It will help you as you navigate in this fog of young widowhood.
Continuing to pray for you.
Stay strong in your determination to grieve in your own way, in your own time. Sometimes people expect you to hurry it along, perhaps out of their own discomfort.
Jess- Your words again touched my heart like they always do. Choking back tears like I always do and sending up prayers like I always do. Thank you for letting us know how we can continue to pray for you and your little ones. I will be praying that those around you allow you to process and do things in your own time. We love you and are honored to be able to have a small part by sending up our prayers.
Jessica,
Again, I don’t know what to say that can take your sorrow and give you comfort. All I can say is I’m praying that God will give you comfort, answers, strength, and peace. That you will feel his arms around you as he ministers to your heart. That he will bless you for your faithfulness and for the way you’ve pointed us all to Christ. That he will continue to show you his faithfulness and that you will continue to respond.
If there’s anything all of us can do for you (besides keep praying–you know we will!), tell us. We’re a small army of blog readers ready to help you in any way.
Blessings,
Joanna
Jessica, we do not know each other, I was sent to your blog by your friend- Jen H. My heart breaks for you, and yet I am amazed by your strength and grace during such a difficult time. It is clear that the Lord is watching over each of you and giving you grace and peace to get through each moment. You and your sweet little ones will remain in my thoughts and prayers!
God bless you!
Lisa Hart
praying for you Jess and thinking of you very often ~
Hello Jess, you have been almost a constant thought on my mind. Our internet here in Australia is a little slow and I haven’t been able to watch the video yet, but I will. So many things have been running through my head. You have been an instrument of God in my life and your example of faith has taught me so much. I love the transparency of your thoughts as you shared in this latest installment of your blog. Isn’t it just like God to give us such comfort as we walk in the roles and responsibilities laid out before us. As you fulfill your Mommy role a “peace that passes understanding” and a filling up of your heart takes place. Makes me think of my favorite author Elisabeth Elliot who was also widowed at a young age with a little daughter to look after…her motto during those days was also, “just do the next thing” and there was great comfort and help in that. I am reading “Disciplines of a Godly Woman” right now and am in the chapter called “Discipline of Perseverance”. Your example in this is mighty. As I watch you persevering through this suffering I have witnessed you “see God” in the midst of it all. We will continue to lift up you and your precious children. But more importantly, remember that Christ and the Holy Spirit are praying for you in “groanings to deep to understand”. I look forward to giving you a belated hug when we arrive back in Iowa in August for furlough.
I have just finished reading Ramblings and viewing the service. Many laughs and many tears.
God bless you, Ava, Lincoln, and the rest of your family. And thank you one more time for sharing your heart so openly. I have been greatly blessed and challenged.
Still praying in Indiana.
You don’t know me but we learned about you and Josiah through Pastor Paul Rendall, we attend his church in Tama, Iowa. I just wanted to tell you that we are praying for you and will continue to remember you before the throne of Grace. It is so wonderful to see how the Lord has sustained you thus far. Your lives have been a testimony of God’s grace. He has indeed been glorified and may He continued to be glorified!!
In Christ,
Lyle and Carol Pakala
Jess –
Thanking the Lord tonight that the Holy Spirit understands our groanings and the things we don’t even know what to pray, or how to pray them.
Not that it helps, but, I am mourning with you and praying for you and loving you across the web 🙂 Everytime I say my Ava’s name I think of you…I appreciated your honest words in this post. Keep on writing.
We wont’ forget you… not next week, not in 3 months and not this time next year.
Jessica, you are a amazing woman! Keep writing your story. God will guide you through your journey.
Nancy
Hi Jessica,
You don’t know me, but I go to Lakeside Fellowship. I wanted to let you know that I am in prayer for you and your children and I am so sorry for your loss. I wanted to share some information with you about a wonderful children’s grief program offered in Des Moines through Hamilton’s Academy of Grief and Loss. They have a program coming up in March for children 3 1/2 to 5 called Little Hands. I used to work there. The woman who runs the group is amazing and she is a believer. Here is the link: http://www.hamiltonsfuneralhome.com/academy/recovery.aspx
I leave you with one of my very favorite passages that has been a comfort to me through the loss of a child… 1 Peter 1:6-9. Check it out.
In Christ,
Teske Drake