Today was hard. I think the reality that Josiah is never coming back started setting in. I had not cried in front of the kids until today. Not because I was trying not to…it just hadn’t happened yet. But during Lincoln’s morning nap, I just knelt in the living room and sobbed. After a while I could hear Ava (who was playing in her room) sobbing too. I went to her, still crying myself, and asked her why she was crying and she said “because I thought you were crying”. We were a sight I’m sure. I want my kids to see me cry…they need to know it’s ok. I don’t want that to be their only memory of their childhood, but it will be a part of it. Ava was so concerned and brought me a kleenex and kept asking me “are you happy now mommy?”…eventually I said yes, I was happy now.
Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING reminds me of Josiah. It’s a good thing. Sometimes it makes me laugh thinking of a certain memory. But it’s a heaviness too.
I’ve been playing more music lately. Kids songs, worship songs…they help fill my mind. Every song has a new meaning now. I have been finding some new music to listen to, so keep sending me songs!
Also, please don’t stop telling me stories of how Josiah’s life has impacted you or someone you know. It helps.
That’s all the words I have for tonight. Good-night.
Beautiful Things 
Dear Jessica,
God keeps bringing to mind the word “courageous” as I have continued to pray for you, the children, and your family.
Someone once told me when I was carrying heavy burdens to take it one day at a time; and it that is too much, take it one hour at a time; and if that is too overwhelming, do one minute at a time. It was helpful to think this way.
For Christian music, try the internet site called pandora.com. You tell it what artists you want to listen to, and they stream in similar artists continually up to 40 hours/month free. It is like being in worship continually in your home—very peaceful—hope it would minister to you.
Your “realness” is so raw and powerful. I see God so powerfully working through your life, your actions, your thoughts, and your words. May God hold You tightly in His Right Hand of Favor,
Nancy Milton
Hey Jess. Hurts me to know you had a hard day. Just wanted you to know as much as I’ve prayed for you, Ava, and Link over the last 10 months, I will continue indefinitely in the future. You showing your heart is a continuation of Josiah’s ministry. It’s having an invaluable impact on people. Your story of Josiah praising God after his nausea got the best of him at hospice, made me wake up the last 2 days and praise God for Josiah’s life and for all the things I see as curses or unanswered prayers that are really blessings. Sending hugs and praying always.
Came across this verse today that encouraged me: “Blessed be the LORD, who has given rest to His people Israel, according to all that He promised; not one word has failed of all His good promise, which He promised through Moses His servant.” 1 Kings 8:56; One of His promises is to walk with us through the valley. One phrase from Elisabeth Elliot that has stuck out in my mind from the beginnings of my journey was “do the next thing”. I know that’s what you will do with God’s strength.
Praying….
It’s so great to know God sees every tear and feels your pain. What a promise that He won’t give more than we can bear. I’m praying for you!
Jess,
How has Josiah impacted my life? Well, I’m actively appreciating my husband more. I’m making a point to let things slide, not take issue, be long suffering, be kind, choose to extend grace when I flat don’t want to, choose to keep my mouth shut when I really want to say a few choice words. I was able to share part of your blog with a friend today who was really put out with her husband. It put things in perspective for both of us. We both needed to be humbled and your life story did it. This is just a very small, tip of the iceberg way that Josiah’s life has affected our family. But it’s really more about the way your light shone as you served Josiah. Your humility has changed a lot of people, Jessica, and I am one of them.
Ps 119:76-77 O may Thy lovingkindness comfort me, According to Thy word to Thy servant. May Thy compassion come to me that I may live, For Thy law is my delight.
Shared the paper from Josiah’s funeral at work this weekend and your blog. Several of my coworkers remembered you both from Josiah’s brief stay and were in tears at your words. I know your blog will be read and is still witnessing of God’s care in your lives. Thank you for being transparent, open, and a living testimony.
Jess, last night after sharing a prayer request with the ladies at our church during a meeting, I left with a heart heavy and wavering on the brink of worrying. But echoing in my head was “Your Love Oh Lord”, a praise chorus that Third Day does on one of the WOW cd’s. I found the cd as I got into the van to drive home, turned it up and sang at the top of my lungs. You’re right…music of all types…hymns, choruses, praise songs, even classical can minister to one’s heart and help us to focus on the One Who’s everlasting arms are around us. Here are the lyrics:
Your Love, Oh Lord
Reaches to the heavens
Your faithfulness
Stretches to the skies
Your righteousness
Is like the mighty mountain
Your justice flows like the ocean’s tide
I will lift my voice
To worship You my King
And I will find my strength
In the shadow of Your wings
Sing, cry, hide in the shadow if His wings, do it all to His glory. “But the lovingkindness of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, and His righteousness to children’s children.” Psalm 103:17
Oh Jessica, how my heart aches for you tonight. I am sitting here reading your entry and crying. I never had the chance to meet and speak with Josiah, but I have to say that the service on Saturday was one of the most powerful worship experiences I have ever had. It will leave a lasting impression on me. I was so proud of how you were able to stand before friends and family and share the beautiful story of Josiah when he was nauseous, but grateful. Thank you for having the courage to speak at his service. I am praying that God will use Josiah’s life and death in amazing ways for His Kingdom. Please know the multitude of prayers that are going out (and up) for you and your kiddos and the entire extended family. I pray that these prayers will be a comfort to you when you are weeping, aching, grieving. As long as I live, I will never forget the beautiful message of Josiah’s service on Saturday. Never. Many blessings to you, sweet Daughter of the King.
In His Love,
Shelly (friend of Mary Johnson)
Dear Jess,
You don’t know me, but I have been following your story (I am a friend of Bethany’s). I have a list of prayer requests on my mirror that I see daily, and you guys have been at the top of it. I will keep you and the kids there. Reading about your faith and listening to the people that he impacted at the service on saturday was an honor. Yours and Josiah’s steadfast confidence in the Lord has influenced my walk with Christ. I have never been through something like this, so I don’t really have any great advice or anything, but there is a Hillsong song that I love and I thought you might like it.
You Hold Me Now
On that day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace
All my fears swept away
In the light of Your embrace
Where Your love is all I need
And forever I am free
Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven
Rise to You alone
No weeping no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now
You hold me now
In this life I will stand
Through my joy and my pain
Knowing there’s a greater day
There’s a hope that never fails
Where Your Name is lifted high
And forever praises rise
For the glory of Your Name
I’m believing for the day
Where the wars and violence cease
All creation lives in peace
Let the songs of heaven
Rise to You alone
No weeping no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now
You hold me now
For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your Name
“…..I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.” Jeremiah 31:13
Sending you a hug and continuing to pray…….
Der Jessica and family,
My heart goes out to you and the family of Josiah.You have had so much to deal with so quickly.Now is your time to heal.You have been through a lot.You have just lost your best friend and your childrens father.Keep your life simple.Do not expect a lot out of yourself right now, this is when you let your family and friends help you heal. Let them take the children for an hour.You might just want to be alone and cry.Grief is a special process that only You can deal with it in your special way.God Bless You. Hold on to all of those great memories. Slow Down…
This morning I prayed that God would reveal new mercies to you this morning. As I was driving into work, I saw the sun struggling to peek through the clouds and it made me think of God’s glory breaking through to this world. That’s what you are, Jessica. Your life is a piece of God’s glory breaking into our world. I can’t emphasize enough how your testimony and your faithfulness and your realness is pulling me (and more, I’m sure) to Christ.
What have I learned from both you and Josiah, even though I haven’t met either of you? I’ve learned that serving my husband is my highest calling and most honoring to God. I’ve learned that gratitude and awe at all God has done for us is imperative. I’ve learned that we are so small and God is so big. I’ve learned that God is a healer and he will heal my husband, whether here or in heaven. Most importantly, I’ve learned that God is love and he is loving. He loves us in everything he does for us. His love is so staggering, we won’t comprehend it until we’re with him.
Joanna
Jessica,
It was good to read your blog and hear how you are doing. Doug & I thought of you all day on our long trip back home. We just want you to know, dear, how your sharing at the service impacted our lives as well. We consider it such an honor to be a part of Josiah’s earthly family and to have known both of you so well and watched as your lives blossomed and grew in the knowledge & obedience to the Lord. Your struggles have been many but your joys just as many. I know Josiah would never want us to put him or you on a pedestal but it is tempting when you see two young people with the strength of character that you have both displayed. We totally agree that everything reminds us of him. Being at Mary & Dennis’ over the last couple of days seemed to immerse us in his presence with pics & momentos everywhere. Our house is not silent either, but we know that he will always be where we are and that is the way we would want it to be. He was woven into the fabric of our family and we would never want to tear him out. Hugs to all of you across the miles and we hope to see you all soon. We want to get the kids together soon. Ava & Lincoln are getting soooo big and we haven’t seen them for awhile!
Love, Aunt Karan & Uncle Doug
Jessica,
I’m not sure if you know me or not but I wanted to let you know that you and your family are daily in my prayers. I have cried tears for you and your family because I can not imagine the difficulties you are going through. My husband is close to the same age and we also have 2 little ones and my heart just breaks at the thought. You have been such a strong Godly example through this whole walk. You have no idea how many peoples lives you have touched. I met your husbands family years ago as I was also home schooled and we had quite a few mutual friends. I’m sorry that I hadn’t heard about any of Josiah’s health issues until a few weeks ago. I’m sorry that I hadn’t kept in touch better or I would have started praying for you months ago! Anyway, know that I am praying now and that my heart goes out to you and your children. God bless sister!
Wow! What a testimony! You amaze me! God’s grace is sufficient. Kayla Gerhardt said once, “If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.” You have been in my thoughts a lot the last few months, and I am definitely continuing to pray for you and your family during this very difficult adjustment time. I’m so glad you’re able to post what’s going on in your lives-it makes me think of you so often and know how to pray.
Hi Jessica,
Thank you over and over for sharing your life with us. I have read your blogs and have been so moved. Your dad is our UPS driver at work, and because of a connection there I’ve shared your story with my co-workers. Just last Friday Josiah’s journey opened up an opportunity to witness Jesus with one of my co-workers. Her grandfather is currently battling cancer and a blood clot in one of his lungs. Just praying for their salvation.
I was thinking just the other day of a time in college when several of us were headed out to Saylorville lake. I was driving my car with a group of girls and Josiah was driving his car with several people in it. We were headed down Ankeny Blvd next to each other and trying to yell out our windows to figure out where to meet up when we got there. Somehow I must have swirved a little too close to his car and we both screamed! He sped up and got out of my way!! Good memories!
I’ve been praying for you, Ava, and Lincoln that the Lord would be your constant comfort.
Love,
Patty Collingwood
We sang “Because He Lives” in church on Sunday and it gave me peace in all that has happened to your family. Your experience has had a huge impact on me. Thank you for sharing. I’ll be praying!
Dear Jess,
Christy Nockels is becoming one of my favorite artists. Chris and I have been listening to her song “Choose” recently. As God continues to bring you down this path He’s set before you I believe that you have and will continue to live out the words to this song. I think about you and the kids so much and am constantly lifting you up in prayer. I know Chris is as well. Your husband’s life has so inspired mine…Your family has so inspired ours. We talk in high regards of you all to our youth group down here. You will always be in our thoughts and prayers-cling to Jesus my friend-He’s right there, ALWAYS and FOREVER…Love from KC, annie.
Choose by Christy Nockels:
Let me be in love with what You love
Let me be most satisfied in You
Forsaking what this world has offered me
I choose to be in love with You
I will choose to be in love with You
Let me know the peace that’s mine in You
Let me know the joy my heart can sing
For I have nothing Lord apart from You
I choose to call on Christ in me
I will choose to call on Christ in me
For in the fullness of who You are
I can rest in this place
And giving over this, my journey Lord
I see nothing but Your face
Let me know that You have loved me first
Let me know the weight of my response
For You have long pursued my wandering heart
I choose to glory in Your cross
I will choose to glory in Your cross
And I bow down…
Humbly, I bow down…
Humbly, I bow down…
I bow down…
I bow down, I bow down
my beloved- here I am
I bow down, I bow down to You..
Hey, Jessica ~
I was trying to send you a private e-mail yesterday mornnig and the only way I could figure out how to do it was to send you something on FB (private message)
God prompted me yesterday morning (Monday) to get a message to you. For some reason b/c of the new FB change, I couldn’t just send you a message, so I had to do “friend” and sent a message with that. Anyway, I pray you can have a chance to read it.
Please know you are and your little ones are in our prayers daily. Keep looking to Him, okay?
In His LOVING Arms,
Jen Frank
Jess…we are hurting for you, Ava & Linc and fervently lifting you up in prayer and will continue to do so constantly. Thank you for being so transparent and sharing your heart with us thru the blog. It really means so much to our family and many others I know. I also have found myself listening to praise music alot more this week and am listening to everything in a whole new light. Happy, joyful tears are often shed picturing Josiah in the presence of the great I AM…sad, heart-broken tears are often shed for you, the kiddos and the rest of us who miss him so very much as the realization sets in that we won’t be sharing special moments together again until we all enter eternity. The impact you and Josiah have had on our personal spiritual walks, our marriage, our family has truly been life-changing and we see the effects of it in a new way every day. I have been praying that the Lord would renew and set my heart, mind and soul for eternity everyday…not get caught up in the daily trials that can so easily distract us. To truly focus EVERYTHING on giving Him glory and furthering His kingdom. Over the past 4 years…you and Josiah have shown us how to do that even during the extremely difficult times and you have taught us how to do it with a humble and loving attitude. Praise God! Thank you! Yesterday, everytime Jude prayed, he continued to pray for Josiah as he has done for the past 10 months. Each time I explained that Josiah is in heaven with Jesus now and he is all better and not sick anymore. He would ask a couple questions and contemplate everything I said and by last night we were able to have a beautiful conversation about what Jesus did on the cross for us and what awaits us in heaven. The innocence and simple childlike faith of little ones is so beautiful and healing! Know that we love you 3 so much! Hugs~Nate, Sarah, Jude & Celia
Hey Jess – I SO love your stories! I love how I didn’t even meet Josiah and his funeral was the first time I ever said anything to you-and I feel abundantly blessed by the strength and hope you all have in the Lord. What a blessing!!
I have been telling most people I come into contact with the story about Josiah throwing up. That has to be one of the most impacting things ever. It was a sheer blessing to go to a funeral for a believer – I think that was one of my first ones.
I have a co-worker who has a wife with breast cancer. It has been a long road for her. I kept him informed and even sent him your blogs to encourage them in their journey.
Hang in there – easier said than done. Your faith continues to amaze me and the masses. You are SO young! I’m 31 and haven’t even been blessed with a husband, I can’t imagine being a mere 24 or in that range of age and having already dealt with what you have. Rest assured, none of these experiences will go to waste. I know you know that – there’s plenty of glory you will continue to give to the Lord.
I love you, Jess. Many blessings and thanks for being so willing to share your experience with us masses 🙂 – Susan
Jess,
We don’t know each other, but I love to read your updates. I laugh and cry with you–today I sobbed for you. But always, always, after I’m done reading, I feel that the Lord has spoken to me through you. I get up and hug my husband and kids, and I thank the Lord for you, Josiah, Ava, and Lincoln. You are a true blessing. You are continually a part of my conversations with our Lord. Thank you.
Jess,
Ps. 3: 3-5 But You, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the One who lifts my head. I was crying to the Lord with my voice, and He answered me from His holy mountain. I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the Lord sustains me.
I read this this morning and thought of you. Even as it was an encouragement to me, I pray that you’ll sense God’s protection and peace. I pray that even in your tears you’ll sense His ever-present, listening heart. I pray that sleep will bring rest and healing to every part of you. You, Ave, and Lincoln are so very often in my thoughts, and therefore in my prayers. Much love, Jen
Jessica, you have been in my thoughts and prayers often the past few days. I can’t imagine the sorrow and grief that you are facing without your husband. It is hard for our finite minds to comprehend that God, in his goodness, has chosen to take your husband and father of your children to be in Heaven with Him. I never met your husband and know very little of you, but thank you for your life and testimony! You have been an encouragement and a challenge to me to love my husband more and cherish the time that I have with him. Psalm 46 has always been such a powerful passage of Scripture to me. David starts the psalm by talking about God being His refuge and strength…”a very present help in trouble.:) The next few verses describe scenes that seem troublesome and scary but God is still there in the midst of such chaos. I love the end of the chapter, that says, “Be still, and Know that I am God. I will be exalted!” I am praying that God will comfort you with only the comfort that He can give. Also, that God will strengthen you each minute of the day and give you bright hope for the future.
We’ve never met, yet I wish so badly to give you a hug. I’m amazed at your ability to find words during such pain…it’s beautiful, and real. I can’t even begin to grasp the pain you feel, especially as a wife and mom. Praying today that God would fill that void you’re feeling with Himself.
Your testimony of faith in Him is so incredibly powerful in your writing. Praying God’s protection over you, and your babies, moment by moment.
In Christ,
Sarah Epley
Dear Jess,
I don’t have much to tell you of inspiration. I’m sure this is very difficult for you. I couldn’t imagine being without my other half. God will bring you through this. I always remember “if He brings you to this, He will bring you through this. He has done this to you for a reason, he is making you stronger and he is making your kids stronger as well. I just wanted to tell you that its ok to cry. You’ve got to get that out, you need to cry and grieve. Another quote I love is “Life’s trials are God’s school of faith”. Hope this helps you. Just wanted to pass along I’m very sorry for your loss.
Erin
Dearest Jessica,
Your tears will help you heal. Embrace those children and allow them to talk about how they are feeling (probably more appropriate for Ava than Lincoln) and cry together because you miss “Daddy”! But assure them that you are always going to be there for them.
Keep writing! God has given you this gift for sharing your pain.
I continue to pray for you and my heart aches for you as does our Lord.
A Survivor of Loss,
Nancy
Jessica,
We have been praying for you through this entire journey, and continue to do so…though it seems words are harder to come by to even begin to know what to say. Your God-given courage astounds me and the grace with which you carry on, humbles me.
I didn’t know Josiah, so I have no stories to share with you, but just getting a small glimpse of his heart at the funeral, I think he would be thrilled that you find comfort in music!
A song that I found recently and have found great encouragement from is “Fail Us Not” by 1000 Generations.
Jessica … our family is continously lifting you up before our Lord. God understands your pain. He understands loss. He understands hurt. He understands tough. He understands tears. He understands.
Last year, as I went thorugh several hardships, I took my Bible and asked God to direct my study. I studied and camped out on every verse in the Bible that had to do with the situation I was in. That gave me just enough to keep going. My prayer is that you would feel God’s presence through his Word, just as I did.
I’m thankful for you. I’m thankful for Ava and Lincoln. I’m thankful for your willingness to share with us, ever so openly, about your journey.
I cannot aptly put in words what I have felt since I have been following yours and Josiah ‘s struggles, triumph’s, joy’s and now sorrows. For the past 10 months or so, I will say that on many occasion’s, I have been inspired by both of you in your story of Love, Faith, Dedication and Hope. Your maturity, Wisdom and Grace is far beyond your years on this earth. I have cried, laughed, been touched and even lifted by you and the entire family’s posts.
I have known Mary for over 30 yrs. (since high school) and if her’s and Dennis’ children have been or are anything like her or him – then I know what outstanding content of character they all must have inherited! I am sure that Josiah embodied all the traits of a fine christian, Godly man as well as a being a good earthly one.
I pray for and think of all of you daily. For guidance in your decisions, for continuence of your Faith, Strength in yourself and for your children and most of all the healing of all of your hearts.
I leave you with 2 of my favorite quotes:
“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” ~ Helen Keller
And
“There are Angels among us,
Though often not accompanied with a blast of trumpets
Or the rustle of wings, I see them just the same.
Sometimes with the face of Family, a Friend or Beggar on the street.
Deeds or words of kindness, just in a time of need.
In my hour of darkness or in the stillness I will hear …
A whisper of inspiration that seems to speak only to me …
There is Hope, There is Hope.”
There is always hope…
~ Joyce Adams-LLaca
Jessica,
You don’t know me, but God has definitely put you and your family on my heart. Our family has been praying for you for the past eight or nine months now and we are continuing to pray. In fact yesterday afternoon I prayed specifically that you would recall some memories that would cause you to laugh. God is using you to build my faith on a daily basis. It makes me grateful for the circumstances in my life that led me to your blog and your family. Thank You for teaching me to be more transparent and bringing such encouragement to others. I will continue to pray for you, Ava, Lincoln, and your extended family.
God Bless you!!!
Bonnie