I am feeling…blah today. Could be a number of things. I’m probably lacking some vitamin D since I’ve hardly seen the sun in months. I’m sure part of it is the cold that my kids started yesterday and then lovingly shared with me. Yuck. I do think that part of it is the adrenalin that I have been running on for the past several weeks…probably months….is wearing thin. I figured that would happen at some point. I know that God has been protecting my mind the past 13 days from remembering Josiah’s last week…in particular his last 10 hours which I can only describe as…horrific. But those memories are starting to surface. Last night I sobbed myself to sleep on the couch. Today, I didn’t even get dressed…I just stayed in my sweat-pants and one of Josiah’s sweat-shirts. I took care of my kids and that is all. I had no desire to talk to anyone or see anyone. There is nothing that anyone can say or do that can make this better. My kids do bring me so much joy and I am incredibly thankful for them…more than they will ever know…but even they cannot completely touch the deep ache in my heart. I remember when we got married and Pastor said that I would be losing my identity in Josiah. I took his name. We became as one. I was his wife. I feel as though I have lost my identity again. When I am with my kids, I know who I am and what my place is…but when I am not…I’m just not sure anymore. Now, I know that life goes on…I know that…but sometimes I wish it wouldn’t. Sometimes I wish I could just freeze everything and remember, relive…and just grieve. But life isn’t like that and I know that’s a good thing. Tomorrow I will get up and I will shower and I will start crossing things off of my ever growing to-do list. But today…was just blah.
I’m sharing this all with you, not to worry you….but I want to be real. This is hard. This is really hard. I try very hard not to say things I don’t mean or I don’t feel…either good or bad. I want to be honest. And I want to remember this accurately. I am not writing this so that you can make me feel better. I write because I need to get it out…and this is how God wired me to do it and is also how He has led me to do it. Life isn’t perfect. My life is not perfect. But it’s the life that God gave me and it’s the one He wants me to share.
Beautiful Things 
Jess,
Please continue to be real about how things are going! giving all of us the truth is the best way to get the best prayer! God is continuing to use you, i’m confident many peoples prayer lives have grown by having this blog remind them and give them new things to lift up! it has definately helped improve my prayer life! Thank you for being open with your life!
Blessings
Ben
Yes, please keep being real. You honor us with your honesty. God bless every single tear you cry.
Jessica, Keep it up! I wish I had your ability to express my feelings in words like you do! You do such a wonderful job and I love reading every word you write. You are my inspiration and I say that meaning it sincerely! HUGS to you and the kids!
Vicki
Horrific is a good word. My word was torture.
To be his mom and stand by and wait, was against every fiber of my ‘mom being’. Gut wrenching doesn’t touch it.
To not be able to fix & help him, like I could when he was a little boy. Sheer torture.
But you Dear Jess took such good care of Josiah, it was a Grace blessing to watch as you served my son. You never backed down from anything. I am so Proud of you Dear One.
It was an honor to lift you and Josiah in silent prayer for hours in that room.
You made his last days & hours comfortable. A sacred time.
He left us peacefully in a whisper, I am thankful.
You both were a great team, that will continue because, you have 2 beautiful babies that are the reflection of the both of you. You & Josiah have dreams for them, I am looking forward to seeing what God Almighty will be doing with those dreams. He has the plan.
Love you
P.S. I thought that the Blah party was at my house ! :0)
No worries it will be long standing affair. We’ll call it Blahhh South.Only pJs & sweats allowed. Hugs
ditto to the above 2 comments…always praying…love you sweetie! sarah
Sweetie, you grieve in the only way you can, none of us can assume what you are going through and I feel honored to be a part of your journey.
In Christ,
Allison
(friend of Amy and James)
Dear Jessica,
I remember the nights of just curling up in a chair and asking God to hold me all night because the ache was just so deep and raw. I remember that severing pain being felt in every part of me and being amazed emotional pain could hurt so much. That a person could hurt so much and still be alive. My God and the faces of my precious children were the only things that made me want to try.
Keep sharing, Jessica, keep breathing, keep taking it one moment at a time, one prayer at a time, clinging to Jesus all the while. He has promised to never leave you nor forsake you. He is with you right now shielding you, protecting you, weeping with you, carrying you, and talking with His Father concerning you. Christ loves you more than you will ever understand and you are HIS.
Praying for you to feel held in His arms tonight.
It’s perfectly ok to have blah days and to have the feelings you are experiencing now. Do not beat yourself up – give time – time. Know that you are thought of, loved and prayed for each and every day by all of us who have embraced you because you let us peer into your very private, personal and at times, painful life for the past year. I have been fortunate in many ways, in my life – I can only imagine your inner heartache and Mary’s, as a mother also… I have lost a sister and my Mother. I miss them daily but have a peace about it all. So, you just go on being you, do what you must, feel what you need to feel and do not worry about being judged or viewed negatively… those who love you won’t mind and understand.
God bless you my dear! ❤
Wow…do I appreciate your authenticity, but more importantly the Lord does! Being real in your grief is shielding you from becoming bitter…the Lord welcomes your tears.
You have many blah days credited to you dear one, don’t be afraid to use them!
and thank you for sharing your heart! I can’t explain what a blessing it is.
keeping you in my prayers and thoughts.
Just reading your blog (and not even knowing you) you are an AMAZING AMAZING woman!!!!!
From Dwayna Litz’s blog June 13, 2009 http://lightingtheway.blogspot.com/
I am finally done. After staying up an entire night this week working on a lyric for a verse, all of the songs are finally done as of this morning. I am thankful to be recording them this week. Here is an example. It is a song called “Still”:
When a goodbye comes too soon
When devastating news
Leaves me abandoned by a dream
He hasn’t changed a bit
He’s still the same Savior and Friend
With a plan so beautiful for me
For He’s still
The God who cannot lie
And He’s still
The Giver of new life
A Savior who wept
For me to be kept
In the Father’s will
And He still
Forgives me of my sin
He remains
My Advocate and Friend
A Faithful Judge
The One who my soul loves
And always will
Yes, He’s still
The Ruler of my days
The Shepherd of my heart
My Comforter of grace
A Shelter of love
When I’ve messed up
Where I can rest and heal
The God of Israel
Who walks me through the flame
For me to live to tell
The glory of His name
The Author of my faith
Unworthily to save
Me to love Him still
“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. ” Romans 8:28
The Lord bless you for being so honest. I don’t know if I could bare my soul the way you have and are still doing. So many people would just pull into their shell and hide out for a year or two after going through what you have. You bless others by sharing your life with them this way. So, keep on writing!
There is nothing more real than grief and the stages of it. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, Jess. Just keep letting your feelings out and know it’s OK to be who you are and to feel what you are feeling. You have lost the love of your life. ITS OK TO WANT TO BE ALONE, TO CRY, TO MISS JOSIAH. You have so many people who love and support you and will be there for you in a moment’s notice. You are an inspiration to me and I have never met you.
Hugs and love,
Caree
Jess- for those moments or days when the blah seems overwhelming. I learned a verse the other day and i thought of you. My flesh and heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and portion forever.
loving and praying for you always
Jess,
I have no real words of comfort other than to say it is an honor to continue to pray for you and your children. God bless you and show you His promises, even today!!
Joanna
“The rule of the universe is that others can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves, and one can paddle every canoe except one’s own.” They Stand Together: The Letters of C.S. Lewis to Arthur Greeves
We love you, Jess. We mourn along side you. Take your hard days without shame. We are all standing together to support you any way we can and we are ready to paddle 🙂
Thanks for sharing your heart. God brings you to my mind so often throughout the day and through the night when I am up with my little guys. Keep striving to keep your eyes on the Lord and remember that He has a purpose for this suffering you are going through…Romans 8:28. II Corinthians 12:9-10… HIS Grace is sufficient for the hardest day that you face….HIS Strength is made Perfect in your weakness. That is such a hard concept for me to grasp! Also, I love the passage in II Corinthians 4:8-18. I am sure that you are going through some of the descriptive words that Paul talks about in these verses. But in verse 17 he says, ” For our light affliction which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory” I am praying that the God of ALL COMFORT will help you to face today in His strength.
continuing to lift you and your little ones in prayer.
You are in my prayers all of the time. I love you girl! There is not one day that goes by without me thinking of and praying for you. 🙂 What an honor it is to be able to read your thoughts and feelings. God has amazing plans for you Jess. What a servant of God you are for His glory! You impact others lives by your true walk with the Lord. Your faithfulness to God just as your faithfulness you had to Josiah. Love and Hugs from Wisconsin.
Thank you for your transparency. Thinking, praying, and hurting with you.
Obviously it’s awful stuff -horrific – but that horrificness (spellchecker is saying that’s not a word – ha!) is poison so I’m glad you’re spitting it out. Mary said in her post that she silently prayed while she witnessed you caring for Josiah. Well, we’re all silently (and sometimes loudly!) praying for you now as you walk through this process. And since most of us don’t live where you’re at, we only get two reminders to “pray for Jess” – Holy Spirit and your blog. Well, and your picture on the mantle. 🙂 Being honest and choosing to write just throws logs on the fire that is burning in so many of us to PRAY FOR YOU. And when the days come and you don’t want to write – don’t feel guilty about it – we’re going to keep praying anyway. We all love you. And sorry about those colds – my kids have it to. Lots of yuckies here. Don’t you wish they’d just stop with all the sharing?! You teach em and team to share and then just when they perfect it – it’s a virus! We should sic Lincoln on all the viruses with that camo gun – looks pretty serious. Grrrr.