To say this week has been tough would be an understatement. The pain gets deeper and the tears and exhausting sobs come more often. I am sleeping better, which is a blessing…I think my body had finally had enough. I dread going to bed though…it’s so lonely. I think mornings are harder. I wake up and my reality washes over me like a cold shower. Even in my dreams, I don’t think I ever “forget”…but there is some relief in sleep. Waking up, I just don’t want to get up…but I don’t want to stay in my empty bed either. Thankfully, my kids usually don’t give me an option 🙂 I love them.
Anyway, I thought I would share a couple quick verses that God has just spoken right to my heart with…they are both about the morning, isn’t that cool? The first one God showed me the night before Josiah’s funeral. I was feeling…well, I don’t think there are words for that actually, but God gave me this verse:
“My voice You shall hear in the morning O Lord,
In the morning I will direct it to You,
And I will look up.” Psalm 5:3
Isn’t that cool? I felt that verse to my very soul and the next day the phrase “And I will look up” filled my mind so often and kept me going when I didn’t think that I could.
The other verse I’m going to share with you, God gave to me last Saturday night. It had been a tough day and I was taking the kids to church for the first time…alone…the next day. I read this:
“Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning,
For in You do I trust;
Cause me to know the way in which I should walk,
For I lift up my soul to You.” Psalm 143:8
I love that God is meeting me right where I am. I have to admit, there have been times this week when even God’s promises didn’t feel like enough…but I KNOW they are. Choosing to focus and believe that He is enough, is my choice.
I am choosing to rest in Him today.
Beautiful Things 
Psalm 30:5
Weeping may last for a day but joy comes in the MORNING!
praying for you daily… thankful that you feel the Lord’s comfort
Ah, Jess, again the wisdom God is bestowing on you in the midst of this is beautiful – I rejoice in the mother He is creating you to be for your two beautiful gifts. I love hearing what God is showing you…keep sharing please. Praise the Lord for his promises to take the burden/sorrow that we could not possible bear alone. Love to you~
His mercies are NEW every morning!
God gave me those same promises; He is so tender in His love especially during our grief.
Proverbs 3:24 is one I meditated on alot. Still do.
In 2007 I compiled this list in of ways I had tried to deal with night time loneliness. I share these just to give you ideas and share that what you are battling with every night others battle with too. Pray, Jessica, God will show you what will work to help you best.
“I think all of us struggle with night time loneliness. I have been widowed 18 months and as I look back, for better or worse, I tried a variety of things to help get through those nights. Here is some of the things I have done:
Slept in the same room with the children
Played soothing CD all night
Got a dog and let it sleep in my room
Sat up and read my Bible till I fell asleep
Wrote in my journal till I was weary
Chatted with my SIL till wee hours of the morning
Wrap myself up tight in a blanket and ask the Great Comforter to hold me through the night
Laid down and prayed for everyone I could think of
Gotten up and wrote letters, responded to email, done housework till exhausted
Read books on grieving and other widows and cried
Look through things of husband’s and let self just bawl
Made myself get up early and not take a nap, so I was tired at bedtime
Drank camomile tea
Done desk work (this was not a good idea; I ended up writing checks out wrong!)
A friend gave me a body pillow (didn’t work for me)
Cuddled with a big stuffed animal or my husband’s favorite blanket”
I will continue to pray for you, Jessica, for God to keep meeting you where you are and for Him to give you the grace for each day and each night.
Your comment,”Choosing to focus and believe that He is enough, is my choice.” is a powerful statement. It reminded me of something I recently shared with some other young widowed moms.
From a GriefShare email :
“When it’s hard to look forward and it’s painful to look back, you need a new perspective, a new focus. Look to the Father and keep your eyes on Him. Every time your thoughts drift away from Him, repeat these words, “Focused on You, Jesus. Focused on You.”
You are choosing to do this, Jessica, and even in the depths of your sorrow, you are being a light for Jesus shining in the darkness.
Everyday I find myself wishing I could releive your pain and hurt in even the slightest way…Know that you 3 are on our hearts at all times, that you are being lifted up in prayer frequently. I also read Ps. 143 on Thursday…may you feel His lovingkindness in the Morning and ALL THRUOUT THE DAY…Especially on Wednesdays and Saturdays…I love you dear! Sarah
Hi Jess
God’s been leading me to pray that you would feel His love and that Psalm 143 verse really sums it up. I’m with Sara – I grieve for you on Wednesdays and Saturdays. 😦 Praying for you this afternoon, asking God to love you up sister. Kiss all those chubby little cheeks for us! Hopefully this yucky weather will break soon and the 3 of you will be able to get out and play in the sunshine. I know we can’t wait – cabin fever is at an all – time high. The natives are restless. Oh – almost forgot – such a nice gal to give you her list of “to – do’s” at night time…I could never put myself anywhere near the level of loneliness you’re at but my hubby used to travel for work and I would read to help me fall asleep. A good book might help. Just a thought. Love you!
Choosing is such an important word. Choice is one of the biggest powers that we are given…heaven/hell, life/death, right/wrong, good/evil, love/hate…..
Being one who does have issues with anxiety and depression, choice is not always easy…I pretty much know when I make the wrong choice, but sometimes I don’t want to change and make the right one. I want to stay in the wrong one. And then I am miserable…duh!
It is good that you see you have choices. Some don’t recognize that there are choices. Making good choices to focus on the Lord, get up and take care of your sweet little ones, eat, sleep, rest, pray, play really will help. But it is all right to make the choice to cry, to remember, to pour out your heart, to miss Josiah….those are good choices too. It is when the choices make you miserable that is not good. Then you have to make another choice!! Boy…this is getting confusing….
I am not feeling like there is clarity here. I hope you know what I mean.
I wish I could take the ache away, as I am sure your mom and Mary would love to do too. It has to be so hard on them. There is no pill in this world that will take away the ache from any of you. I cannot imagine so I just continue to pray….
Dear Jess, You have taught us so much through sharing your faith, perserverance and open heartfelt pain. Psalm 134:8 has long been a favorite walking verse. May God continue to give you comfort, strength and courage to continue in His ways! Carol Luke
Psalm 143:8 Younger can teach the older; Praise God for your faithfulness, We love you, Carol & Dick
Jessica,
I worry about you, all the time (if only because I KNOW I could never handle what you’ve suffered). All I can say is it will get easier. A very dear friend of mine lost her husband, and then 6 months later her 9 month old daughter was murdered by her daycare provider. She, like you, made a choice, to look to God and to focus on the positive. You both just amaze me. I know life is difficult right now, but it will get easier. I’m sure you will always miss Josiah (I only met him briefly, but I will always miss him too, so I cannot even imagine how you must miss him). But as the days, weeks, months, years go by, it gets easier. And I’m sure that’s a really hard thing to imagine right now. But thankfully, you have two beautiful blessings, loving and wise parents and a huge network of friends that love you all. I wish you all the best.
Kira and Lil Bela
PS-Lil wants a play date w Ava and Lincoln 🙂
Hi Jess,
I have been thinking about you a lot since your last post and I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in the way you are feeling. I remembered after my mom died (which was sudden and unexpectant) of the escape that sleep gave from my grieving but as soon as I would wake up it would come like a flood washing over me. I can tell you that with time, it gets better. I would also dream about my mom, which actually I didn’t mind because it seemed like it kept her with me, I don’t know if you have experienced dreams about Josiah and how that makes you feel but you make experience that if you haven’t already.
Anyhow, I am not writing to give you a speech or anything I just wanted to let you know how much I can identify with what you have been going through and to let you know that I am and a whole lot of people here in Arizona are praying for you, Ava, and Lincoln. Sure wish we all didn’t live so far away from each other. I think its time for another Elson clan family vacation.
Love Ya,
Carolyn
Jessica…thanks for sharing your heart. I memorized Psalms 5 last year and my version says “eagerly watch” for “look up”. We serve such a loving God….He wants us to be eager as we wait for His response to us! I picture a puppy waiting for his treats to come! You are a special lady Jessica!