I expected tears and grief to hit me like waves…but this pain…most of the time I don’t let it show, I just feel it inside…but sometimes it just knocks me down like a crashing wave. Everything I do seems to have pain attached to it…even good things are painful because the only one I want to share them with…isn’t here. I’m growing used to this pain…but I still feel every. single. blow. Over this past year I have felt so beaten down. So many blows to my heart…you would think you would grow numb and stop feeling them…but you don’t. So many prayers answered with “no”. Some big some seemingly small…but so many times I heard “no. no. no. NO.”. My very spirit feels crushed by the weight of them. I NEVER lost my faith in God. I don’t even understand how I could have…but it’s almost like my belief that my Heavenly Father desired good things for His children, was shaken. I do feel like God is restoring my spirit…but it’s going to take time. I’ve almost stopped expecting things to go right, so I’m surprised when they do. The day of Josiah’s funeral…everything seemed to come together (down to the weather)…and that surprised me. I was not expecting that. It even made me a little angry that it felt like God waited until Josiah was gone to start letting things work out. I do realize these are just feelings…they are not truth…but they are real none the less. God does love me with an everlasting love…I believe that so much I can almost taste it…but that crushed feeling will take awhile to repair.
I have been listening to Steven Curtis Chapman’s new CD (BTW, God bless whoever it was that gave that to me). It took me a while to want to listen to it. I know the story behind the music and I just wasn’t ready for it. But, the other day, I started playing it in the car and it has ministered to me so much. Our stories of grief are very different (he lost his young daughter in a tragic accident), but our hope is the same. And the truth that we cling to is the same. Here are some words from one of the songs that I turn the volume up high and sing loud to with my hand raised to heaven (just one hand, the other one is safely on the wheel). The promise of this song is a promise of God that I am living for…breathing for….it’s a promise so real to my very core. ALL of this has a purpose. God has a plan…and it’s a good one…and He WILL MAKE IT WORTH IT ALL. He will right EVERY wrong. He will heal EVERY hurt. He will wipe away EVERY tear. He will reward EVERY act of obedience. He will keep EVERY promise. HE WILL.
BEAUTY WILL RISE
“…buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams
we have this hope:
Out of these ashes… beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes… beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning…
in the morning, beauty will rise
So take another breath for now,
and let the tears come washing down,
and if you can’t believe I will believe
for you.
Cuz I have seen
the signs of spring!
Just watch and see:
Out of these ashes… beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes… beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning…
in the morning…
I can hear it in the distance
and it’s not too far away.
It’s the music and the laughter
of a wedding and a feast.
I can almost feel the hand of God
reaching for my face
to wipe the tears away, and say,
“It’s time to make everything new.”
“Make it all new”
This is our hope.
This is the promise.
This is our hope.
This is the promise.
That it would take our breath away
to see the beauty that’s been made
out of the ashes…
out of the ashes…
That it would take our breath away
to see the beauty that’s been made
out of the ashes…
out of the ashes…”
I will see beauty again and I will see the face of my Beloved again.
Beautiful Things 
Agreed on all counts.
Love You Jess !
Dearest Jessica,
You don’t know me, but I’ve wanted to write you a long time ago. I know Rod & Janie Carsten & the Reeves. I’m not certain who connected me to your sight, but I’m so thankful they did. I have been praying for all of you ever since I was connected & found out about Josiah.
You babysat for our son and “daughter” before you had Ava, Matt & Heather Owensby, when they lived on N. Sherman in Ankeny.
It was 10 years ago, on Feb. 12th, that we lost our 28 yr. old daughter to an undiagnosed brainstem disorder. From the time she first began having strange symptoms to the time the Lord took her, was less than a month. Her husband is still in great pain; his faith today is still shaken. He is in the FBI & almost lost his life due to a restaurant bombing in Islamabad, Pakistan. He is still unable to work on the field.
It will take time, Jessica. Keep writing, pouring your heart out. I so appreciate the transparency in your writings. Perhaps the Lord will lead you to write a book or in someway help others who have gone through deep waters as you have.
I will continue to pray for you. Keep leaning hard on Him.
With deep sympathy,
Ruth Owensby
KEEP clinging to that HOPE….our Faithful Father in Heaven is right there with you – He LOVES you and UNDERSTANDS all you are going through……NOTHING surprises Him, our Creator.
He does have a plan for your future days….your days without your beloved on this earth….I know the hurt, I know the pain can be OVERWHELMING most moments…..may He continue to send you ways of ministering to your soul…..whether it be through music, Word or people…..especially your sweet little ones.
I do not always leave comments as the pain is still very fresh in my heart, but know I am reading your posts and praying for you! When you are ready could you send me your private email address…..mine is hagenowfam@yahoo.com.
Lifting you up to the father,
Angie and family ♥
HE WILL! Love You Jess…Sarah
Oh…WOW…when I was praying for you, several days ago, one thing I prayed is for you to listen to that CD.
I have to mention also, that if my three daughters grow up to be half the Christian wife and mother you are, it will be a blessing. You are an inspiration dear Jess.
Keeping you in my prayers and thoughts, as He hides you in the shelter of His wings.
Linda
I only know you through your blog writings, but please know that I am praying for comfort for you and your family. I can’t begin to imagine the pain that you are feeling.
May you find joy in the memories of your husband, and try to ‘just do the next thing’.
In Christ,
Kelly Johnson
your writings are so much like the Psalms of David…
Praising God that He is bringing you through the pain into Joy… I’m sorry you have to hurt so much
praying for you
Wow. Before I could even respond I had to google the song and listen to it on Youtube. Like all of his stuff, of course it was amazing. He just has a gift for speaking what common people are feeling and how to say it in such a common way. I’ve cried through “Heaven is the Face” so many times when he comes to the bridge and says:
And in my minds’ eye I can see a place
where Your glory fills every empty space
all the cancer’s gone
every mouth is fed
and there’s no one left in the orphan’s bed
every lonely heart finds its one true love
and there’s no more good bye and no more not enough and there’s
NO
MORE
ENEMY
No more
I don’t know if I typed that out exactly right but it’s how I hear it in my heart right now. I really struggled after Josiah’s funeral. It was hard to watch you all and know that you had been faithful and to wrap my head around the fact that He was still being faithful to all of you. But in Paul’s letter to Timothy he says that He’s faithful to us even when we’re not faithful because that’s His character. It’s who He is. Same with love. He IS love. So I know that He’s God. I believe in Him. But this has shaken me with the thought of His goodness, His faithfulness, His loving-kindness. But I love how you laid it out in your post: those are all feelings. They’re not the truth. The truth is HE IS LOVE. HE IS FAITHFULNESS. HE IS KINDNESS. HE IS GOODNESS. His loves endures forever! We’ve got to put on that armor in the morning and then stand fast. I told my daddy a few weeks ago that my helmet of salvation needs a chin strap. I say that with a chuckle but also with a tear. Life’s hard. And I so relate to that daddy who said, “I believe. Please help my unbelief!” That’s how I would sum up my feelings since the funeral. “I believe You are good. Please help my unbelief!”
Thanks for posting. I hope you’re not completely snowed in – we’re drifted up to our little noses. We’re going to have some serious family time stuck in the house for a few days. It’s been quite a winter. And we’re south of you!
Love you and praying for you.
thanks for writing and still letting us know about your days during this difficult time. We are praying for you…I know sometimes it feels like it does not make any difference. The hardest part is learning that we will always be walking alone in this journey. No human can meet us there. You prov learned this during your little girl’s trial or even before. Only God can do that. It is just hard because we want to touch and see God in a more tangible way. It really sucks not been able to see clearly and pass our pain. I know it is a difficult battle. I pray that you will have restful nights and that during the day God gives you peace and hints to keep you going… it is frustrating knowing you are in pain and not being able to make it go away…I know only God can fix this…our job is to ask him to do it. I pray God lets you see clearly…like Josiah is seeing right now. I think you know this… Our real suffering comes from being trap in the limitations of our bodies, but if we could only see the real deal, not what this world show us, I think we could always His peace. That is my prayer for u today…seeing so more peace comes.
Just enough grace for today, Lord, just enough grace for today. Like Manna in the desert that only lasted a day, just enough grace for today.
Dear Jessica,
In the front of my Bible I have this quote a fellowgriever and believer said, “It is a daily struggle to keep our faith, but God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit has HIS UNBREAKABLE GRIP ON US and none of us will be defeated by this.”
Keep clinging to Him, Jessica, for He is clinging to you, carrying you in ways you don’t see right now.
I hadn’t had the opportunity to visit your blog in the past couple weeks, but I made the time this morning. Tears just keep flowing as I lift you up to the Father. You are in my heart and prayers throughout each day. Love to you and your little ones!
“For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor heavenly rulers, nor things that are present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Rom. 8:38-39
Praying much for you, Jessica.
Jess,
Glanced through all of your posts today…overwhelmed with tears today. Lifting you up much…you’ve been on a road that not many could travel down and still have the faith and trust you portray even now…Thanks for your openness and your transparency…so grateful for it. I learn so much from you. Thank you for your willingness to teach…even if you are unaware of it-you are touching so many many lives. Love from KC, annie.
Thanks for sharing, Jess. It really helps to know how to pray for you. And we are…continuing to pray…
Oh Jess…I just hope you sense all the cyberhugs and prayers going out for you. My Hope has started reading your blog, only just recently. Do you remember you had a part in her coming to the Lord way back when she was 9 in VBS? She will often come to me after reading your latest entry and ask me questions… ask me, “That’s how you feel about Daddy, isn’t it?” Its brought about some great discussions.
I’ll actually be using Josiah’s story tonight as I talk to our ladies group at church. I’m speaking on diligence. Josiah was a man who lived with diligence, accomplishing so much for God, even after his death! And you continue that legacy as you teach, share and write about all that you are learning in and through this. Thank you.
Anyway, I just want you to know I continue to lift you up. Here is a verse I thought might bring you some encouragement:
“Blessed be the LORD, Because He has heard the voice of my supplications! The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song I will praise Him. ” —Psalm 28:6,7
Jessica,
The most memorable sermon I can remember out of 10’s of thousands is one by a young pastor who had recently lost his wife to cancer. It consisted of basically two words: “TRUST ME”. The most common lament I have heard is: “I wish I had trusted Him more”.
with love from Grandpa and Grandma Stephenson
Jessica,
I have been reading your blog and praying for your family since Ava was born. You have truly been an inspiration to me with your continued faithfulness to God despite all of the circumstances you have been through.
A former youth pastor from Polk City passed away due to an accident a couple weeks ago. He also left a wife and 2 young children. Here is his blog that his wife has now taken over: http://www.asipfromthewell.blogspot.com/ I wondered if it might be helpful to you to read from someone else who is experiencing a lot of the same things you are right now.
From Psalm 34
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
and those who are crushed in spirit he saves.
Jess,
Continuing to pray for comfort for you and the kids. Thanks for keeping his memories alive and letting us know your true thoughts and feelings.
Love,
Carrie, Michael, Mason & Emma Sauers
Dear Jess,
I just wanted to let you know, like many others I have been praying for you and your children during this very hard time. I pray that God truly comforts you and gives you his amazing peace. I heard this song by Phil Wickham, ” Safe” and thought about you and your children. May is comfort you my friend. Thank you for your encouraging words and faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. Love you lots.
P.S. Saw Ava in church and it made my day. What a joy she is.
Kat
Jessica, We continue to cry out your name to our Father over and over. We know that He will heal your hurts, in His time. Just a couple of verses to think about. Psalm 31:10-12,”Hear me, Lord and have mercy on me. Help me, O Lord. You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord, my God, I will give you thanks FOREVER!! vs. 4,5 Sing to the Lord, all you godly ones! Praise His holy name. For His anger lasts only a moment, but his favor LASTS A LIFETIME!! Weeping may last through the night, but JOY comes with the morning.” I am sure that it will take many more nights and days for your heart to truly “be glad” again, but remember that this life is truly a vapor, and we will all be around the Throne dancing, before you know it. We love you, and will continue to cry out for you. Keep trusting, and walking by faith. Ron and Helen