- I know it’s been a few days…I’m trying to find some kind of balance in my life…sometimes I wish there was more than one of me, are ya picking up what I’m putting down? Sooooo many hats to wear…I want to at least wear the most important ones well.
- I am so used to making decisions as a part of three…me, Josiah and God…now it’s just me and God and that’s not a bad thing…it’s a pretty incredible thing…but it’s taking some getting used to. At times I am tempted to panic…if only Josiah was here he would know what to do…but God is right there beside me, ready to lead me.
- Three weeks today. Josiah has been in glory for three weeks. God has brought us through three weeks. I don’t really find Wednesdays to be any harder than other days…there is just an extra ache in my heart. But I don’t need a certain day to remind me of anything…those memories are constantly with me.
- I looked at Josiah’s death certificate for the first time today. It looks so similar to our marriage certificate…but it means something so different. Reading that hurt.
- There are piles of paper around here that I am constantly trying to stay on top of. In going through one of those piles the other day I found copies of the “Do not Resuscitate” form that Josiah had filled out. Brought back memories of Christmas Eve when he signed that. He looked at me before he signed and said “are we sure this is what we should do?” and I looked right back at him and said “yes”…even though everything in me wanted to scream NO! I can’t imagine what it was like for him to sign that. I threw those pages away…he doesn’t need them any more, Praise be to God!
- I cleaned the bathroom this week. Yes, it had been too long and yes, it was gross. I had to take down Josiah’s towel. I had to laugh a little because it was hung up, but not neatly like I always wanted him to. Then I cried and just held that towel. Somehow it made me feel closer to him…and that was both good and it hurt so much. I knew I needed to take it down but it was just another painful good-bye. I sat in the bathroom, holding that towel, and crying out to God…I had to say out loud “Lord, I would not have him back…but I just want to be there with him”. No, if given the choice, I would not bring him back…sometimes I have to say that…to push aside my selfish desires. I love him to much to bring him back to this world. I actually had a debate in my head of whether or not I should hang up just one clean towel or two. These are the kinds of things I have to decide…they may not seem like big decisions…but they still take thought. It’s not like I was given a manual on widowhood (I still don’t like that word)…young widowhood isn’t exactly the hip thing to write about. So, I’m paving my own way. In the end, I hung up two towels…it just looked better that way (I know you were wondering).
- Sometimes Josiah seems so very far away and thinking about him being in heaven is not helpful or comforting. But sometimes…it’s such an incredible thought I can’t even put it into words. A little knowing smile will form on my face and a shine in my eyes…I know I have that look because sometimes I see it on Ava’s face too. Last Sunday night, I took the kids to church (it had been so long since we had been able to go to the night service that when I explained to Ava that we were going to church, she said “again?”), we sang a song that is normally not a favorite of mine…for no particular reason. But in the chorus it goes through a list of the names of God and as I was singing it, I just can’t explain it, but I pictured Josiah praising God too…only he was doing it face to face…and I felt our hearts connected like they used to be when we would pray together…only better! It felt like God was uniting us again…just like he did here on earth. That’s the best I can explain it. Heaven is more real to me than it has ever been…it’s gonna be incredible!
- Ava and I have daily talks about heaven and Daddy. Both of these topics are very natural subjects in our house and I’m so thankful for that. Just today Ava said something about Jesus taking Daddy to heaven and how Jesus would take us to heaven someday too. I have been trying to give her only as much information as I think she can handle, but I realized today that I’ve never told her that there are lots of other people in heaven too. I had also never explained to her about baby Grace and so I started with telling Ava about her and I told Ava that Daddy had her baby sister to love on. Ava’s still processing that one, but she smiled. Then I started telling her about people from the Bible being in heaven and Daddy getting to meet them. I started listing off different names from the Bible and I ended with “and Peter is in heaven too!” and Ava replied “Peter Pan?”. Wellllll…I quickly explained that one and then moved on to a new subject. I love her randomness!
I guess I will end there. Thanks for putting up with my random thoughts today…hmmmm, I wonder where Ava gets that from.
Beautiful Things 
Thanks for sharing your ‘random thoughts’. Reading what you have to share always helps me with some of the emotions and feelings that I’ve been dealing with over the past 3 weeks. I miss him. I’m praying for you so much as everyday I think about all the painful goodbyes that you are having to deal with. I’m so thankful Ava is by your side to keep a smile on your face 🙂 I love you…
What a joy to laugh with you, with Ava…. Praise God for the little random moments and for giving us the gift of laughter!
I have yet to read your blog & not cry – I was up late tonight working on some photography projects and listening to Christian music while I worked online. I jotted down two songs, just ’cause I felt God speaking to me from them and He brought you to mind as He does much throughout the past several weeks. So I came here to see if you had updated & you had – I think God planned that 🙂 So here’s the two songs, they are new to me as I am just getting aquanted with this style of worship music after growing up with just the old hymns, but maybe you already know them, maybe not. Either way, I hope they bless & comfort you.
The first really fits with your third paragraph
And this one reminds me of when you were given the verse to look up and He got you through
Know that you and your family are constantly in my prayers as each day you walk this new journey. You have taught me so much about trusting God & living a life for the Lord at all times. You’ve shown me how to have deeper faith, I know it’s changed me. Thank you for posting you heart and letting God shine through you.
With love,
Beth Ducktein
It is a Good thing that our Lord gave us so much information about heaven… about our future
and
He’s given us so much proof in so many ways that we KNOW what He says is True.
Praise God for His direction and comfort in your life and your children’s lives.
Jess…
I have never thought of what “widowhood” would be like. As I read your thoughts, I am reminded of just that. I do not think about towels, I just hang them. I do not think about these little decisions that you share as they have become big things. These movements and thoughts are just automatic to me. Hang a towel, pick up something, pull down two plates, etc. Every day, every minute for you there are adjustments. I know Josiah is in heaven, but I never thought about all the tiny adjustments, (which really are big). I have a new way to pray for you. My heart aches…
Continuing to pray…
Jessica, please keep rambling. Your thoughts are a testimony to your great love for God, for Josiah, and your family. May you continue to find some comfort from sharing what’s on your mind and in your heart.
We have a hymn, “Gentle Shepherd” which starts out “Gentle shepherd, come and lead us for we need you to help us find our way…” May our Lord, the Gentle Shepherd, help you find your way through your grief.
Hey Jess,
I basically only know you through Sarah Klar (although we met once at her wedding a long time ago) but I’ve been following your blog for a long time. I’ve thought about you a lot this week, and every time I hear this song I want to send it to you. So…here it is. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6c3CYdqTG8
Keep on keeping on!
Thank you so much for sharing your heart. Continuing to lift you up in prayer!
Jessica,
I too am thankful for your ramblings. I so agree with you about feeling my husband close when I pray or sing certain songs. It is very difficult to describe the amazing emotion that goes with it. We made up a song about Daddy that the boys love for me to sing. One part of it goes, “Daddy’s praising God, talkin’ to Jesus about us…” What an amazing, comforting thought.
Thank you for sharing the little, yet big decisions that we young widows make with great difficulty daily. I smiled that you hung up two towels, it just seems right. It reminded me of when my oldest son set out five plates at the table and told me, “One is for the Holy Spirit!” What a sweet reminder to me that night that God was with us.
We continue to pray for you and your blessed children.
Big Hugs,
thank you for writing. I know is hard, but we are thankful to know about your days during this difficult time. We will keep praying for you and your little ones.
What a cute sweet post…so made me smile as I can relate to the whole towel decision…and that twinkle and look, I know what you are talking about. Thanks for sharing again! Keeping you in my thoughts/prayers….xox
Thinking about you all of the time. Knowing you have to say all of these painful goodbyes to Josiah in different ways hurts to hear. I cried reading your entire entry. Knowing that you and Josiah can praise God at the same time… just at different places.. is amazing! What a thought, singing out to God at the same time! Made me smile 🙂 We serve an AWEsome God. I am so thankful you have Ava right there by your side. Even if she does not fully understand things yet. You two are going to be SO INCREDIBLE close! Love you Jess.
Jessica, Today when I got home I had a message from Matthew West’s page telling about a video that was just released today. I know that it will be of encouragement to you and many others. I tried to send the link to you, but if you did not get it, go to Ransom.tv and it should open for you. The song is entitled “Save a place for me” which has just started to air on the radio. Hopefully you can find it and be blessed. We all will be “THERE” SOON. Praying again for you, Ron and Helen
Jessica,
We’ve never met, but I’ve been following your blog for awhile. I think my family went to church with the Johnsons before we moved away in ’95 and I ended up facebook friends with Aubrey.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey with me. It has encouraged me and deepened my relationship with Christ. These last couple months, especially, I have prayed for you, laughed about your kids (my daughter is 18 months and my son is 4 months) and cried through many a post.
I’ve been praying for a couple years that God would help me appreciate Heaven more. It may sound strange, but whenever I would hear songs about being excited for Heaven, I didn’t really like them. I thought to myself, I like my life here and have lots to do, I’m not really that exited about Heaven yet.
Last night I was listening to Pandora and “I Can Only Imagine” started playing. I started picturing Josiah in Heaven – dancing or kneeling, shouting Hallelujah or standing speechless. I started crying and entered into worship of God’s Heavenly glory, and for the first time I really enjoyed that song. The next song was Hillsong’s “Came to the Rescue,” a song that draws me into worship every time I hear it. I thought it was the kind of song Josiah may have enjoyed.
Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek your face
Lord all I am is yours
My whole life
I place in your hands
God of Mercy
Humbled I bow down
In your presence at your throne
I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
I wanna be where you are
In my life be lifted high
In our world be lifted high
In our love be lifted high
God bless you, Jessica. God has already been lifted high because of you and Josiah.
Jess,
We’ve never met, but your testimony of God’s grace is a blessing to me. I know God will continue to use you in great ways, because He has a plan for you, to give you a HOPE and a future!
Thank you for sharing your heart, I’m not sure I could do the same put in your situation. Thank you for the reminder that we too, will one day see Jesus face to face!
If we don’t meet before then, I will see you there!!!
Julie
I smiled when I read that you had hung two towels….that was perfect for your hearts eyes to behold.
I too remember crying out to the Lord as I read my husbands death certificate…..myocardial infarction will always be an ugly word to me…..BUT God’s grace allowed me a smile in my heart when I read the location of his death…..my sweet hubby would have smiled with me….it was typed in… “Church” If he could have had any say in the matter he would have requested that….its strange to have a heart smile in the midst of such anguish….but God’s ways are so different from ours and the worlds.
Thank you for sharing your struggles and your victories on this journey. God is faithful and He never leaves our sides.
My prayers are with you!
I am constantly re-hanging my husband’s towel. You’ve now given me a reason to be thankful for that! And now, I’ll think of you and pray for you when I’m doing it. God is using you, Jess. Thank you!
Hey there Jess
I’m a rambler, rabbit chaser, whatever else you call us rare breed. I’m also known to pursue a conversation no one else is really interested in and then after they move on like 20 minutes later they’ll say something to me and I’m still pondering that rabbit I was chasing. Alone. Oh well. 🙂
Praying you get good, full, peaceful rest tonight. Father shelter Jess with your love and peace like a warm blanket. Sing over her songs of comfort as she sleeps and let her wake with the joy of your presence. Fill her with your unfailing love that she may sing for joy. Let her not be afraid of the days to come but rejoice in the truth of your faithfulness.
Love you all
Margie