I’m having a hard day. I can feel another wave of grief crashing. It’s weird…I can usually feel them coming and I started feeling it yesterday. The first couple weeks after Josiah went to heaven, I felt pretty numb, but now even though the hurt is always there, grief will come on like…well, like waves…just like everyone said they would. This onslaught leaves me feeling so drained and exhausted. Just staying at home is the easiest thing for me…but life doesn’t always allow that. Tonight, I needed to run an errand after the kids woke up from their naps. Even though I just wanted to stay home and just be sad…I needed to go out. By the time we were all ready to head out the door, it was supper time. I knew I had a gift card to Wendy’s, so I told the kids we would go there after we were done with our errand. As we were walking into Wendy’s the thought just hit me like a ton of bricks, we were not just having a fun outing with Mommy, we were out as a “family”….our new family…just three of us…a widow and her two fatherless children. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to make it through the meal…but I forged ahead. This was something that I needed to face…there seems to be an endless amount of things to face these days. Anyway, I got the kids in, we ordered, and I was getting our drinks when a man came up and offered to carry my tray to our table. This man must have seen the mother-bear look on my face, because he quickly explained who he was. As it turns out, I had actually met his wife before, but I had never met him, and they had been reading my blog. His offer meant so much to me. I walked into that restaurant wanting what I could not have (my husband and our intact family), but what I needed was just an extra pair of hands and more importantly, the reminder that God could see my hurt and my need and that He would meet me there. It was also such a reminder that I need to be willing to act when the Spirit prompts me and not quench it….because maybe that person needs more than just a helping hand…maybe they need a reminder of God’s love for them.
Anyway, I made it through the rest of the meal. The kids had a great time. They have rarely been to a fast-food restaurant so it was a treat to them. Ava even thanked me later for taking her to Wendy’s and told me she had “so much fun”. I’m glad. My loneliness for my Love envelopes me, but thanks to the kindness of a stranger…I feel God’s love surrounding me tonight…and it is enough.
Beautiful Things 
Jessica,
Just checking your blog before heading to bed tonight and wanted to let you know that we prayed for you tonight at my women’s bible study which was here at our house. Many of the women have been following your blog but we had some guests who had not so once again your life story was told and what a testimony of the Lord it is every time it is shared. Everyone who has been reading the blog is so encouraged with your gift of writing and sharing your feelings so openly and honestly. Many of them young mothers themselves, see the strength the Lord is providing to you moment by moment and it helps them (and me) to trust Him for every little thing in our lilfe. You help all to see that we serve a BIG God who is concerned about every little detail of our lives. Thank you Jess, once again for sharing your soul with us. It helps to keep you before the throne in our prayers. Hugs to you and the kids. Hope to see you all soon!
Love & good night,
Aunt Karan
Praise be to God!
You don’t know me, but I know one of Josiah’s sisters. My husband and I attended the funeral after following your blog for several months. Each time I read an entry I am amazed at the faith that can be displayed through your everyday lives. Words cannot express how much your struggles and faith have helped put my husband and I on the path back to church and back to God after dealing with several losses of our own. Please know that I pray for you, your family, and your little darlings every time you cross my mind. I am so thankful that God is placing people in your life when you need them and vice versa. I find comfort in your words and strength to spread God’s good word. I hope you find joy in my short story and continue to share, because you and your little ones continue to change lives and help shape peoples faith. God blessed you with a hard day as a reminder that he is out there for you.
Much love and gratitude to you!
Melody Borucki
Thanks for such a great reminder. I need to have my eyes open to the needs of others. Praying for you.
Hi Jess–
I’ve been following your blog and praying for you daily. Thanks for being real and sharing your heart. You are changing lives through this.
Thought this song might speak to you today: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xRWWG2Wuds
Blessings–
Nicole
I was driving home last night at about 6:30 and the song “Love Has Come” by Mark Schultz was on KLOVE and then they played “Homesick” by MercyMe and I don’t know if KLOVE plans their segments like that but I just felt like God was telling me in that moment to pray for you. So I prayed that He was just show you his love and continue to just wrap His arms around you and your family. Then this morning I read you post and it’s so cool to see how the timing of all this works out.
What a precious story, and a good reminder for all of us to be ready and willing to do the Spirit’s bidding.
Dear Jessica,
God truly does know what we need to get us through tough times and put an angel in your pathway.
Continue to share your emotions and thoughts and celebrate the light (times of joy) through your darkness. You are one brave lady; you will overcome the pain.
Keeping you and the family in my thoughts and prayers.
keeping you in our prayers
Oh, how I understand………….I praise God for showing Himself to you. This is just the beginning, Jessica. Yes, you stepped out into reality and faced and struggled with this new role. But God showed you He IS with you every step of the way. And HE will continue to do this through out your journey, reminding you that He remembers you.
“…yet will I not forget thee. Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands…….” Isaiah 49:15b-16a
Hi Jessica
So I was doing my bible study tonight and came across the verse 1 John 3:20, “For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.” For whatever reason it jumped out at me and I thought of this entry…and the meaning behind the verse isn’t really pertaining to what you have posted but it made me think that God knew what you needed at that time cuz He not only knows our hearts but He knows our needs…another helping hand…I have been there before carrying a tray of food and trying to keep track of the 1 yr old, yikes…and you knew what you needed, your husband(or so you thought, not to say you shouldn’t feel this way either)…however sometimes isn’t it so hard to separte our wants from our needs…I know we say this so much in our lives, but tonight I felt convicted to really look at my life and try to see what God is giving me cuz it is a need compared to what I complain He isn’t giving cuz it is a want…we just need to look for Him meeting us where we think the want is and find the need He is providing. WOW, thank you God for working thru Jessica and bringing your truths to us here in cyberspace reading her blog…your walk is so amazing to me and so eye opening for me also…again please take the time to grieve, laugh and heal. My thoughts and prayers are with you and those kiddos often. Take Care
I pray so often that God makes His presence real to you. That you can truly sense His Spirit at work around you. How amazing to see God working in the smallest details.
With love and prayers,
Jen
Hey there
Clint and I read this together last night. We’re both praying for you and appreciating one another more in active ways. Thanks for sharing your heart. And if you’re reading this – thanks to the blog reader who helped Jess and the kids. You’re good people! Bless your heart!
Well, weather looks like it might be breaking for a short while. We had some sun here today. Hope you and the kiddos can enjoy some of it. We love you!
Will continue to pray for You and your children. God Bless!
Praying for you. . . I read Psalm 71 today. . .it’s a good one if you have a chance to read!
v. 20: Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again;from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.