Today was not pretty. I would describe myself as a mess today. I am finding grief to be highly unpredictable. I woke up feeling so lost and alone…and I’ve been crying much of the day and unable to stop. I sobbed, curled up on the bathroom floor, for a long time this morning unable to even “do the next thing”…which was getting my kids out of bed. I felt so weak and helpless…struggling to gain some control. Eventually I did force myself up and was able to get the kids ready for the day…but I knew I wouldn’t be able to care for them, so I had my mom come pick them up for the day. That made me cry more….remembering all the times this past year when I had to send them away…I hated doing that…I hated that sad/confused look on Ava’s face…but I knew it was needed for all of us. I stayed home…read my Bible…prayed…listened to some music…took a nap…watched a movie…sent some e-mails…listened to a sermon…had a couple visitors…and cried…a lot. Apparently, I needed some concentrated time to grieve…so I took it. This is very like me…to go and go and go and just crash. I crashed big time today…and I’m letting myself be ok with that. God has shown Himself to me in a variety of ways today. He knows the extent of my pain better than I know myself and He is here with me. So…yes, I felt the floor drop out from under me today…but do you know who was there waiting to catch me? The loving arms of my Savior (Deut.33:27).
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Beautiful Things 
Hey love,
your vulnerability and transparency is pointing people straight to the Heart of Christ. That pureness is exactly how He created women to be, so many of us have been hardened to that. Even on your messy days, you are my hero. Love u Jess. And praying, as always.
I am glad you got some much needed time to be alone and to grieve, and to be with God. I am praying that He sent you some peace. We are thinking of you every day. Let me know when you’re ready for a meal.
Jen, Craig & Andrew
Hi Jess…I am not even sure why I checked your site a few minutes ago. I had read your last post just this morning. I was so taken with how God had provided for you at Wendy’s. I had shared that with Erica when I talked with her today. God is so good! Then for whatever reason, I looked again. And my heart is aching for you. I have been writing down verses to pray for you on 3 x 5 cards since the service. I carry them all day in my pocket and pray them specifically for you (although some I do pray for myself too!) One of them I just wrote down the other day was Psalm 119:143 “When pressure and stress bear down on me, I find joy in Your commands.” Jens had given me the New Living Translation Bible and that is where that comes from. I just love the way it expresses Scripture. I guess the pressure and stress were bearing down on you and you did find joy in His commands. I will keep praying verses for you, Jess. Are you writing your verses down? When I had my breakdown, I wrote all the verses down that spoke to me. It was interesting that now looking back, I can see the progression of them from despair to hope to victory. Ken and I constantly pray for you and very often talk and think about you and the children. I praise the Lord that you are looking to Him and that He is your strength and refuge. His everlasting arms are HUGE and I am so glad they are wrapped around you. Continuing to pray…
Olivia, I love your response…”even on your messy days, you are my hero”. It is such an awesome feeling to know that God is crazy about loving us…even when we are feeling our worst. He knows exactly how you feel, and His strength will let you grieve the way you need to. We serve an awesome God. I am so glad that you are ok with where you are at, and that God is loving you through it all. Faithful…He cannot deny Himself.
Praise God for His continued faithfulness and His love as He cared for you today, and you too, took another step by letting Him. We cannot do this on our own and there is no right or wrong to grieving, it is an unpredictable storm of emotions.
Psalm 23:2
He leads me beside the still waters.
He is leading, He goes before you, waiting for you, each step of the way and you will make it with Him leading..catching you when you crash as you said…that is the ultimate gift in knowing how this battle ends when we let Him do the leading.
Praying for you greatly!
Angie Hagenow
http://www.courageroad.blogspot.com
I don’t know you, and I’m not even sure how I found your blog…I feel strange leaving you a comment but I just wanted to let you know that as your sister in Christ I am praying for you. Today I was reading in Psalm 119 and came to verse 29, and I thought of you. “My soul weeps because of grief; Strengthen me according to Your word.” This is what I prayed for you today. I am so very sorry that you had to say good-bye to your dear husband…for a while, anyway. I cannot imagine the pain of this loss. I will be praying for you and for your precious children.
Ditto to Olivia…everytime I read and re-read your entries always with tears falling, I’m praising God for how every word you type is pointed towards His glory. You will always be my hero! Always praying…Love you sweetie! Sarah
Jess,
Words aren’t coming tonight…I’m not sure what do say or do…please know that I love you, I pray daily for you, and I’m here to help however I can.
“Through many dangers, toils, and snares I have already come. ‘Tis GRACE has brought me safe thus far, and GRACE will lead me home.”
Grief is so messy! Meltdowns do come and that is so normal. Never fun, but normal and necessary for healing.
You are a wise woman to call for help, to know what was needed. There are days that God is going to remind you that even His Son was not able to bear His cross alone; He had another human help Him. Surely we will need others to help us carry our cross as well.
You said it so well, “I felt the floor drop out from under me today…but do you know who was there waiting to catch me? The loving arms of my Savior (Deut.33:27).” That, my dear sister in Christ and fellow young widow, is what I call a Jesus Hug. And, oh how much sweeter than chocolate, are His hugs.
Praying for you to keep feeling His Arms encircling you,
Jess,
My heart breaks for you every single day…..and we are praying for you & the kiddos constantly. One night after Josiah passed, I was praying with the kids & I mentioned you, Josiah, Ava & Lincoln. Since the boys were with us at the funeral I think that Garrett at least, started to understand death a little better. Garrett interrupted me & said ‘why do we need to pray for Josiah, Mom? Isn’t he already in heaven?’ 🙂 Point taken….I love your posts about rejoicing in knowing where Josiah is but I also love your honesty in your heartache. Your journey will make this road easier for someone some day & has touched our life for sure. I cherish my hubby more now than ever & want our relationship to strengthen more each day in our love for each other & our faith in God. I would love to get the kiddos together sometime or just bring you coffee. Love you!
In HIS Grip,
Emily for her boys
Dear Jessica,
God is near the brokenhearted, binding and sealing up their wounds. Your “bleeding” will find peace in His daily graces. Your faithfulness to God’s leading in your reality causes me to keep struggling in mine! Praying for you, dear sister! Be God’s,
Scott
Definitely my hero too! Let that girl bring you some coffee and take someone else up on a meal. You’ve been serving for years..let people serve you! I can’t imagine what you’re going through. We pray and we think about you and we trust the love of Jesus will be enough. Love you.
Jessica,
Ever since you mentioned mornings were hard, I’ve been praying for your mornings. I’m praying you had a refreshed one today. I read a verse last night that seemed written just for you:
God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns. (Psalm 46: 5)
You are so precious and so God-honoring. Thank you for blessing us with your requests for prayer and your honesty.
In Him,
Joanna
Psalm 138:8:
The LORD will fulfill His purpose for YOU;
your love, O LORD, endures forever—
do not abandon the works of Your hands.
He hasn’t abandoned me, and He won’t abandon you either. Keep leaning hard into Him, He can take it, He’s GOD!!
Praying for you and your kiddos,
Beth Eggemeyer
godisrefuge.blogspot.com
i was listening to the song “HOLINESS” by chris tomlin as i opened this new blog! thanks for the reminder to stop going and just allow ourselves to be “caught by God”! continually lifting you and the family up to the all loving and all powerful God!
Ben
Praying for you today and every day… God can handle our despair and grief. We don’t have to clean it up for Him. Isn’t it wonderful to come as we are — He knows us better than we know ourselves.
Love you!
Hi Jessica:
I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I wish I could help. I would keep praying for you. I have a friend who also lost her husband. She decided to go to “Share Grief” to start the healing process. I do not know if you knew about this biblical program or if it is offer at your church, but i think that could be very beneficial for you and your husband’s family. Thank you for writing and letting us know about your journey. I am sure it is a big help for all of us who are interested about your well being and about any way to help you during this difficult time. Lots of love.
I keep reading your blogs/posts, wondering how you are doing. What you are going through is humanly so painful… but thankfully you are a child of God, and are leaning on him for what you need. I applaud that, and am so glad for you and your kids that HE is your focus. I will continue to pray for you all, and hope that with srping and time, some of the pain is taken from you. I am at a loss for words today-forgive me. So many other times I have read about your day, and had a lot to write, but not the time for it. As Uriah and Sarah (Johnson) have shared your story with me, I have shared it with some other friends, who have a new, growing faith. Stand firm and be strong not because others are watching, but because God is holding you. Thanks for letting so many in. And may God continue to shine on through you. (Fennimore, WI)
you are so courageous to share your most vulnerable moments. I’m sure you’re weary of being “courageous” and “vulnerable.” I’m glad (“glad”? that sounds strange) that you were able to grieve so deeply. I pray that the depth of God’s love continues to catch you moment by moment. Jen
i so admire your faith and grace… and as a sister in Christ, just wanted to let you know you are loved and are being held up in prayer. *big hugs*