I’m not sure where to begin. It’s been one month…one whole month. I’m not sure how that’s possible since in so many ways it seems like just yesterday. I remember coming home the night Josiah died and going into our room…my room (I still have trouble calling it that)…and just kneeling on the floor, unable to sit on our bed, and weeping. Oh, the pain was so deep. I remember wondering at the time how I could keep breathing when I needed to remind myself to take every. single. breath and it hurt so much. How could my heart keep beating when it felt like it was shattered? How could my body keep living when half of it was missing? So many times I have pressed my hand against my chest to try to stop the real physical pain that is there. So many times “doing the next thing” is simply taking a breath and I have to repeat “just breath. just breath. just breath…”.
It’s been one month. One month since I was both wife and nurse…caring for him…loving him…night and day. Helping him with even the most ordinary tasks…but trying so desperately to do it in such a way that he still felt like the man that I saw him as. Feeling so lonely for him even though he was right next to me. Making decisions for his care that no one should have to make. His last day, I barely left his side. I was so focused on my last promise to him…that I would do everything in my power so that he would feel nothing. There was nothing and nobody else on my mind. Every inch of me was tuned into his every breath.
It’s been one month. Lincoln turned 15 months old today. It absolutely breaks my heart to know that he will never know his Daddy. He doesn’t even know what he’s missing. He’s learning so much right now and it tears me up inside that I can’t share it with Josiah and see that proud grin on his face.
It’s been one month. Ava always refers to Josiah as “my Dad”. She misses him a lot. She doesn’t cry every night like she did that first week…but the other night she just sobbed and said “I just miss my Dad”. I hurt so much for her…she’s so tender. She’s having to learn such hard lessons so early. But I am trusting that God will use it mightily in her life.
It’s been one month. God shows Himself to me every.single.day and I am grateful because I am learning that what He showed me yesterday to get through the day usually doesn’t work for today. I have never had to declare to my heart that God is faithful like I have had to do every day this past month. It doesn’t just come naturally anymore. It’s a definite, clear, and often forceful choice that I make (listen to Steven Curtis Chapman’s song “Faithful”. He puts it better and it’s probably my favorite song on the album). But I have also never been quite so clear in my purpose to glorify God. Because without that purpose…I would have no reason to live. My kids cannot be the only reason why I keep breathing…that’s not fair to them and it’s not healthy for me. Of course, they are the two most important people in my life…but they can never be my sole purpose for living. They will leave me someday too…only my Heavenly Father will ALWAYS be with me. I am gaining a new and deeper understanding of who my God is and I know He will fill every empty place in my heart (and there are MANY of them). He PROMISES to heal my broken heart (Psalm 147:3)…and I really have no idea how on earth He’s going to do it…but I trust that He will. Will it leave a scar? Of course it will. But that will just be proof of all that He has done.
I love this song…and I know, I know, more song lyrics…but God created music and He created a capacity in us to be touched by music, so I’m going with it.
What Faith can Do – Kutless
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
I have seen all of those take place in my life…except that last one…I’m walking in faith for that.
It’s been a month Baby. What wonders you have seen…I can’t wait to have you as my tour guide.
I’ll see you soon.
Beautiful Things 
Praying for you and the kids.
I’m sure I hear that song by Kutless at least 3 times a day and I think I cry everytime as I think about you and Josiah. I’m so thankful for what faith in our mighty God can do! I love you…praying you have peaceful rest tonight. Hugs~sarah
I can’t imagine how difficult these milestones are and will continue to be. Just like nate & sarah, everytime I hear that song, I think of you guys and pray for you. That is the kind of faith you exude and I am thankful to you for that.
Continuing to pray for you…
thank you once again for your faith, for your transparency in your grief and your love for the Creator, for sharing with us your love for your sweet hubby.
I’m sorry you have to face this milestone…..God will see you through these, all the firsts, all the dates….they can be maddening…..I am so thankful we don’t walk through them alone. March 9th will be 6 months for the loss of our Daddy and my husband. It can seem like yesterday that I felt his touch but then it’s FOREVER.
My 14 year old daughter and I have been very touched by the Kutless song you quoted…..it is healing and God gave us music….I am thankful they are sharing their talent with a hurting world. Thank you for posting it.
Praying for you to feel a “peace” wave soon.
One of the greatest songs. Faith is truly amazing.
Praying for peace for you and your kids.
Loving you and aching for you right there in my heart, even though you don’t know me. You’re a very special lady, and we are praying for you. I wish there was a way we could all comfort you, although I know that the best comfort comes from the Holy Spirit, the Great Comforter. I will pray that He will be there with you through this. I’m so glad that you and the children have each other to hang onto through this. I am so thankful to God for Ava and Lincoln who are there with you, as a part of their Daddy and a part of you, an ongoing and forever show of the love of their Daddy and you. I am touched and strengthened by the strength of God showing through you. You are an inspiration to us all, and I want you to know that we open our arms wide to you with all the comfort we can send and the biggest hugs. With tears, love & ‘the hope that is in us’ through Christ,
Annette Reeves
Jess…
You were on my mind all day yesterday. I continually prayed for you. My heart aches. And I will continue to pray…
Oh, Jess, my heart just hurts for you. As you describe so vivdly the emotions you are feeling, it just brings me with you- and I hurt for you, too. And your kids. Ava’s feelings about missing her dad hit home for me. Although I wasn’t 4 years old when I lost my father, I still lost him young in life (I was 27) and not a day goes by that I don’t miss him. Dad’s are pretty special to little girls. 🙂 I pray that Ava will forever remember the memories she made with her daddy and that will give her comfort.
I am praying for you every day. And Andrew STILL prays for Ada every night!! lol!
Hugs to you, my friend!
Jen, Craig & Andrew
http://www.thehuegelfamily.blogspot.com
Jess,
You are an inspiration to me and many others. Keep on going, doing the next thing and trusting that God will fill in the holes that seem so everpresent. Fortunately, He is everpresent even more.
Leigh
Shedding tears of understanding……………..agreeing with Angie, praying for you to feel a peace wave soon!
God doesn’t waste pain, I was told once. I see this. The shattered fragments of your heart beautifully reflect the amazing light of the Great I AM.
HUGS,
You know what I adore about your spirit Jessica? It’s that you don’t just read the Word, let it settle in your mind and then let if float around there. You let it RESIDE and take residence in your HEART. And the difference..is so evident in your life. Thank you dear Jessica, for praise our God even in such a time as this.
Blessed be the name of the Lord!!!
God brings you to my mind throughout the day and I thank Him for your choice of faith. I really appreciated when you said you can’t live just for your kids…how true. God has a purpose in all this grief and loss. He’s taught you so much that, I’m sorry to say, you couldn’t have learned any other way. Your posts have been lessons in my life, as well. I praise the Lord for your openness and honesty. Praying for you!
You, the kids, Dennis, Mary & the girls were all on my heart yesterday and many prayers were sent up for you all. Then the first song I heard on the the radio on the way to work was this song by Kutless and I just starting crying as I usually do when I hear it as it has always reminded me of you & Josiah. Way back when I thought we would see “miracles just happen” in Josiah’s life from our many “silent prayers”. Now I know we will see many “miracles just happen” in many other’s lives because of the testimony of you and Josiah through this trial in your young lives. Thank you Jess for continuing to trust God for your sustaining strength and sharing your heart with all of us so we too can learn to look to Him for every breath we take. It is so easy to take everything for granted, even breaths, unless we are reminded by someone who is practicing such faith. Hugs to all of you and may you be blessed with a day in which you can enjoy the beautiful sunshine today!
Aunt Karan
Praying for you & your entire family. HUGS & PRAYERS
Thank you for sharing your raw emotions and pain. I know it is hard to relive the agony through the keyboard, but you are teaching us how to pray, how to understand, how to minister to others when we have never experienced the devastation of losing a dear husband.
I am so very, very, very sorry. I weep everytime I visit your blog, but I rejoice.
I praise the Lord for your wisdom that you must live for HIM, and not for your children. The Lord is speaking, whispering words of hope, faith and promise and you are listening. My only hope in knowing of your pain is that your hope is in the Lord.
“Hear my cry, O God; attend to my prayer. From the end of the earth I will cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For You have been a shelter for me, a strong tower from the enemy. I will abide in Your tabernacle forever; I will trust in the shelter of Your wings.” Psalm 61:1-4
Jess, cry, pray, be lead, be sheltered, abide, trust. Thinking of you and praying for you daily.
That song! I have thought of you so many times these past months as I have heard it. And when you asked all of us to pray for little Sam with the heart defect. That was the song his parents played on their sonogram video wasn’t it? I think it was. Anyway, it’s been weaving itself in and out of your story for so long, Jess. Don’t ever hesitate to put lyrics or links to videos. You sounded like you were apologizing for putting up the lyrics but they speak so loudly! He inhabits our praises. There have been so many times I’ve just cried for you as songs have played and I know it was translated to Him as prayer. He’s hearing your tears in the same way. Love you! Hope you get that peace wave soon.
I have never met you, but my wife talked and prayed for you often. Julie departed a few days before your husband. I appreciate what you have been writing and it brings tears to my eyes at the same time. I understand.
I am so thankful for a God who carries us through and holds us close. I am thankful for the prayers of the saints at these times as it brings comfort. Please know that I have been praying for you and your family as well.
Thank you Cathy Mathews for posting Psalm 61:1-4
Jessica,
Thinking and praying for you much this day. I can only imagine what a struggle it would be just to get through each moment, and my heart hurts for you. I would love to have amazing words of comfort, but all I can say is, “Keep clinging to the cross.” Run to the Gospel as you have been running everyday. I came across the following by Elisabeth Elliot and thought that she really put it quite beautifully:
“We take our sufferings, then to His Cross. And the Cross transforms them. It does not nullify or deny them. It makes them into something else. The promise of Isaiah is that we will be given beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning. This is the central truth of Christianity–an exchanged life. For my sin, Christ’s righteousness. For my sorrow, His joy. The Cross, the ultimate symbol of shame and defeat, becomes for all of us for all time the symbol of glory and victory. In the face of my grief, when my hands are emptied and my heart is broken, I remember that Jesus came down from Heaven and offered His life for the life of the world–this world, with its sufferings, its sins, and its grief. I give Him mine, then, and receive in exchange wholeness, beauty, and the oil of joy”
“…to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion–to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair….” (Isaiah 61:2-3
Lots of love,
Jessica, Thanks for helping so many to see our wonderful God more clearly. We are doing a “Beth Moore” Bible study at church, entitled “Breaking Free”, Our leader used your post as she taught on, hearts broken by loss. There were many tears. One had lost a child to Sids, another had lost her husband in tragic accident, one husband is very ill. Our church keeps you and the children on the prayer list. We love you all so much. Grandma
He
Oh, Jess — everytime I hear that song I think of you and your choice to put your faith in God during this difficult time. You are always in my prayers throughout each and every day, and if there’s ever anything else I can do, please let me know!
Dear Jess – As I read your words, I could hardly see them through the tears – and I prayed for you all the way through – I did not lose my husband through death, but through divorce – he left me when my son and daughter were 5 and 6 years old – I still remember that pain in my heart and I cried so hard my ribs always hurt – And I remember the times my little ones and I went to a restaurant for the first time without him and I looked around at all the families with their husbands and daddies – like you shared your story when you went to Wendy’s. I look back on those days now and think as time went along – thanks to the Lord – they were the worst times in my life, but also the best times in my life – because of all the “human angels” God brought to us – and in keeping my trust in our Lord, I grew stronger and closer to Him. I was listening to a song by Sidewalk Prophets – and I thought of you (from an older Sister to a younger Sister)…. the song is “The Words I Would Say” and some of them were
Be Strong In the Lord
Never Give up Hope
Your Gonna Do Great Things
I already know
God’s got His hand on you
So don’t live life in fear
Forgive and forget, but don’t forget why you’re here
Take your time and pray
And thank God for each day
His Love will find a way
These are the Words I would say…
Come find peace in the Father.
The Lord put it in my heart to share this with you. And please know that I’m lifting you up in prayer each day.
Jessica- I have a friend that told me about your blog. Her small group from our church has been praying for you. I am in a similar situation. My husband of 10 years, died a month ago also, Feb 4. I am a mother of a 3 year old boy. As you are, we are trying to find our way through this. These days are difficult; I often think if it weren’t for my son, I probably would get out of bed some days. As you do, I find comfort with and in our Lord. If you care to, I invite you to e-mail me. I will keep you and your children in my prayers. May God bless you and keep you.