Thanks for all the responses to my “Ava-ism” post (you can keep commenting if you think of more)…I knew I was forgetting some! I love that kid! You know, when Josiah lay dying I navely purposed in my heart that I was going to laugh at least one time every day with my children…I forgot that they would give me no choice…they MAKE me laugh every single day 🙂
Let’s see…how was my week…well, I’ve had better, but I’ve had worse too. I am just missing Josiah so much more…I didn’t even know that was possible. I miss sharing my life with him. I miss all those little tiny things that as a married couple you don’t even notice…until they are gone. My emotions are completely unpredictable. I can see hundreds of couples or families and it will hurt, but not tear me up…and then I see the man carrying his wife’s purse, or the Dad that grabs his son’s hand as they cross the street…and my heart just drops. I will feel like I’ve been hit and I stumble back…in reality I don’t physically do that, but my heart does. Saying good-bye to someone isn’t just burying them…it’s constant. It’s a thousand good-byes every.single.day. It’s even realizing that you did something without thinking about them, and wow, that hurts too. It’s all the celebrations, both big and little that they will never be apart of. It’s buying a new pair of jeans and not being able to run home and show him, but knowing that he would think they were hot. It’s going to Menards by myself to look at ceiling fans and having to leave because I can’t stand the idea of picking one out without him. It’s knowing that I need to cancel his cell phone but not being able to because it was such a part of him. A thousand good-byes a day.
My house is very disorganized and I’ve been tackling things one at a time. But I’ve been dragging my feet on some of the more pressing things…like our bedroom. I just can’t face going through that room…I haven’t even unpacked the last bag I packed for us…the one we brought to the hospice. But it needs to be done. So…instead of that project, I’m working on our coat closet. It was a disaster. But because I needed to clean it out, it also meant that I needing to start packing up Josiah’s things. So difficult. So painful. I put on his coat for a minute before I packed it up…and for that moment I felt his arms around me. I packed up his hideous cowboy boots, and yes, I occasionally let him wear them, and yes I apologize to Lincoln’s future wife because I’m saving them for him. Everything has a memory and I cried like a baby. I’m not “moving on”…in fact I think that’s one of the worst statements…I will never “move on”. Josiah will always be a part of my heart. But I do have to more forward…even though I don’t really want to.
While I’m on the subject of phrases that I hate…let me throw out a couple more…”passed away”, what does that even mean? It sounds so polite (which is why we use it)…but death is not polite or beautiful or poetic…death is ugly and cold and lonely. I have to admit, I have used that phrase, but it tastes bitter in my mouth. I have yet to use the phrase “my late husband”…again, it just sounds too polite and proper. I just don’t have it in me. As a society I think death just makes us so incredibly uncomfortable that we choose to tip-toe around it. I understand, I was the same way. But death is real folks. It’s a reality. It’s one of the few sure things in this life. I read an article the other day about being thankful for your husband and in it they mentioned being thankful because there are widows who are alone. I’m not totally sure why that bothered me so much. Maybe because that’s my life it was talking about and ya, it sucks, but I can think of a whole lot worse things. I mean, just look at the faces of these little ones…breaks your heart. Or maybe it bothered me because I know that’s the way I used to think. I had a great fear of losing my husband. But the reality is that more than likely (unless you happen to die at the same time, or divorce, which is a completely different form of loss), are you ready for this? YOU WILL LOSE YOUR SPOUSE. It’s reality. When you said your vows, “till death do us part”, that’s not only a promise you made to each other to be faithful, that’s your future. Why am I saying this? Well, I have a few reasons…and they are very practical. One, get life insurance…get more than what you think you need…and get it TODAY. Not “just in case” you need it, but because you WILL need it. Two, especially if you have children, make out a will and don’t wait till one of you is on your death-bed like we did. Three, as much as you can, plan out your funeral. It’s one of the best gifts Josiah ever gave me. If you think the people around you will just know what you would want…they won’t. And you don’t need to put that pressure on them during that time. When Josiah printed a form off the internet to get him started planning his, he printed off two and we filled them out together. No, it wasn’t fun, but it was time well spent and it made the couple days leading up to his funeral so much easier because even with all that we had decided, there was still plenty of things to get done. And I don’t care if you are married or single, these are important…just do it (yes, I borrowed the phrase, it’s effective don’t ya think?).
OK, I’m off my soap box. I’ve cried through most of this…but I guess I just needed to get a lot off my mind! The rest is up to you.
Beautiful Things 
I know that I need to make a will and plan out my funeral… I keep putting it off, but it needs to be done. Thanks for the reminder.
Love your honesty. You have taught us much about life and about death.
I am resending you a prophetic scripture God gave me for you in Josiah’s last earthly days.
Song of Songs 8:5—Who is this coming UP from the wilderness, Leaning on her beloved?
God is with you in all you are going through. And when the time is right, you will one day be coming up from this painful wilderness of grief, leaning on Him even more.
Keep blogging so we can know how to pray for you. May God’s comfort and peace surround and overwhelm you.
I would love to help you, Jess. I just haven’t wanted to be a bother. I drive by when I have been at the office or Jens’ to see if you are out. I feel uncomfortable just stopping, but if you have a day that you would appreciate someone just sitting with you or helping you if you’d like that, call me…please. I won’t even say anything, I could just be a body if you want company while you are doing a task that would be very hard.
I think of you all the time. Every time Ken leaves or we are together, I think of you. You have helped me to cherish our time. Not that I haven’t before, but with a renewed sense of appreciation.
And yes, death sucks. I did not think I could say that, but since you have, it must be okay! When our babies died, I thought some of your same thoughts. Death is so weird. Your loved one is there and then they are not there. Where did they go? They should still be there. I pray for you so much because I cannot even imagine what your heart must feel. I just know I wouldn’t know how to keep on like you do. I know it is grace and that only comes when it comes for you, but it still is hard to feel what I feel for you and know that you are compounded double, triple and more.
I do struggle with what to say. You are right…passed on sounds awful. “Gone home” – unbelievers do not get it. I couldn’t say “My late husband” either. But it is hard for us, Jess. We all feel so much heartache for you and even trying to talk with you is uncomfortable. I am sure there are many who wonder if what they say will hurt you in some way or make you cry. It is not that we don’t want to, it is out of respect for you and the children that it is hard.
Thank you for your comments on wills and insurance. These are talks we have had with our children and have stressed the importance. Your words carry more weight.
I am serious about the help. I can really help or I can just be there if you’d like. Please know that I am continuing to pray….
Jess,
I did what I had wished so many wouldn’t have done when Dylan died and that was avoid contact. I am SO SORRY! This post hit me hard and even though our hearts ache for our son there are still SO many similarities!
I wish I could say the pain goes away but it doesn’t. The days you can’t breath become fewer and further between. I wish I could say you can talk about him with out crying but again (for me atleast) those are hit or miss. Somedays I LOVE to tal about him and my heart smiles and other days I barely begin and the tears start to roll!
When you meet someone new? Typical question….How many kids do you have? (Are you married?) Who new the question I had asked a million times would now bring a lump to my throat.
I guess I just wanted to thank you for being so honest. I have always loved that about you! I am sorry we haven’t talked more. Thank You for reminding me to LOVE my husband, I do but you never know when you will say your last “I Love You!” Jim goes to Iraq in June and you REALLY made me think.
I am moving to Bondurant with my kids in June and would love to get together if you are up for it!
Again THANK YOU!
Thank you so much for braving the pain and emotion to be a vessel of God’s to so many reading your words.
There are so many phrases to dislike, too many to mention…..to be honest, death, died, dead are just as ugly and hard to say. Ugh…
Thank you also for putting it right out there what we need to do to prepare for the death of a spouse. Jarrod and I talked so many times about doing a will, less about funeral plans and we both had life insurance in place but that was it. I agree with you, having his wishes in writing about how he wanted things regarding his funeral would have been such a tremendous help. I HATED going to that funeral home and had what the call a panic attack when going into the basement to look at caskets…..I ran up the stairs. Anyway, thank you because that is the last thing I myself have been procrastinating on.
God be with you each,
Angie H.
Girl, you continue to challenge me and build up my faith with every post. It seems so unfair–I wish I could minister to you the way you are to me. Instead, I’m praying for you, and not polite prayers either. I’m praying that God will place an army of angels around your bed as you fall asleep and when you wake up, to protect you from Satan’s lies. I’m praying that God will bring you face to face with your grief so you can come face to face with Him. I’m praying that God will bless you with many sweet memories of Josiah, because the pain of remembering is far better than the pain of forgetting. But most of all, I’m praying that God will wrap you, Ava, and Lincoln up in His arms and hold you fiercely.
All of His blessings on you!!
Joanna
Jessica,
I don’t even know you, except through these posts; but I love ya girl!! I love the way you are transparent and just speak up and share the ugly and agony of widowhood.
I dislike those terms too. Like someone will say I lost my husband—My husband isn’t lost; I know where he is!!
The term “late husband” I have only said that once and after I said it I stated, “I don’t like that saying. What is he late for anyway?!”
I agree with Angie post. Very good practical advice, Jessica. I made up a will after Jim’s death and keep thinking I need to plan my funeral. Thanks for the reminder.
On going through things, remember there is no timetable. I keep Jim’s coat and coveralls in a closet so the kids and I can slip them on when we need them. Some of his shirts the kids love to wear to bed. Some of them we had made into a Daddy quilt and pillows. And even 4yrs out, there are somethings I haven’t been able to go through or deal with yet. This is your grief over your husband, Jessica, and it is important that you do it YOUR way!!!
A person who has their right arm and leg amputated, never gets over it. They learn to adapt/adjust and go forward. So it is when a spouse dies. Wounds slowly heal; scars remain. And there will always be “phantom pain” and the daily struggle of functioning without a part of you.
Love to hear back from you sometime: jesushugsministry@yahoo.com
Hugs,
Hello Dear! I’m replying to the latest 2 posts as my computer had attitude problems all weekend 😛 I read the Avaisms to Jude and right away he said “Mom! That’s my favorite go dog go book! Ava knows that book!” Wow, such a small world! lol! 🙂
Spent the whole afternoon Saturday working on a painting project…of course was singing along with every song on the radio and just had an special time of praise and prayer (when I wasn’t trying to keep Jude & Celia out of the paint and their hands off the walls) You, Ava & Linc are always at the top of my prayer list. Daily we’re offering up prayers as we know that you are facing new challenges & emotions every moment. Nate always asks me to read your posts out loud to him…and I never make it through without breaking down. Don’t think I have once yet. Thanks for stepping up on that soapbox and sharing your mind with the world. As we’ve struggled with the different scenarios that have ‘sucked’ over the past year our eyes have been opened to many of the ‘practical things’ that you mentioned. Thanks for the very real reminder to all of us. As you face every new day…don’t rush…there is no timetable of ‘moving forward’. May you feel Christ’s strength with every step. We love you!!!
ps…I’m sure you look *hot* in your new jeans! 🙂
Jessica-
I am one of Bethany’s good friends, and I have been praying for you and your family ever since Ava was born.( What a walking miracle she is!) I just want you to know that I carry your burdens with me. Your words are real, and inspiring and although you don’t think you are strong you are honestly one of the most honest people I have never met. Just know that people you don’t even know love you and are praying for you. You are so loved. Our Father cherishes you- and wants to take your pain. Thanks for being a light in such a horribly dark time in your life. You are a special woman.
Let me add my encouragement to make out a will. And get professional help, or you may miss something important. At the time of my father’s death, he and my mother owned a print shop, where I also worked. Dad had a will, but it made no mention of the business. In visiting her attorney, Mom and I learned that although they owned the business together, there was no paperwork to attest to that fact. The business was on the same property as their home, and it had just sort of grown from nothing. Dad had signed many papers as “owner” or “proprietor” through the years, and the lawyer said even one of those papers would be enough to “prove” in court that Dad was the sole owner.
There was no problem as far as Mom receiving all of the business and its equipment and inventory. But she had to operate the business as part of an estate for six months, during which time the law office (in another town) had to keep books and issue checks for everything, even something as simple as paying the telephone bill. It was a very frustrating six months–something Mom did not need immediately after Dad’s death.
Although it will cost more to visit an attorney than to use one of the software programs available, it will be worth it many times over if it prevents you from missing something important.
I agree with you, Jessica. Just do it!