Not sure where to start. I know I have been quiet here on my blog…but God has not been quiet in my heart. He has been loud and clear. He keeps shaking me up….turning me upside-down. There is a part of me that really wants to pretend He is not doing that. Sometimes, I just want to “be”…I just want to coast. Change is exhausting…growth is painful. But it’s what God has called me to do. He’s not finished with me yet…not by a long shot…and I am forever grateful for that. God didn’t just take my husband Home and drop me into widowhood with my fatherless children and say “there you go”. No. Far from it. He still has plans for me. That truth excites me, exhausts me, overwhelms me, encourages me…fills me with hope.
Just a week and a half ago my pastor’s wife encouraged me to use my time serving others. That was a huge challenge to me. In my bereaved state of mind it has been hard enough for me to stay on top of my own life and my kid’s lives, much less even notice what is going on in other’s lives. My brain has been just so incapable of much clear thought. For example, a couple weeks ago after going to a friends house and seeing my children go ga-ga over her fruit tray, I realized that, besides bananas, I had not bought fruit since Josiah died. The thought hadn’t even occurred to me. That is how absolutely stunned my brain has been. But God has been working in my heart and slowly transforming my brain to make it capable of more than thinking of myself and reliving memories. It came to a head on Sunday morning, Pastor preached on being open to interruptions and seeing other’s needs and the work God is doing outside of ourselves. Ouch. It was the lesson that God was working in me all week and then needed to bluntly face me with. At the end of the message, Pastor offered an invitation to come talk with someone or just kneel at the steps (like every Sunday). The Holy Spirit was telling me to go forward…and I fought it…coming up with every excuse I could think of. But I knew I could not say “no” to God so blatantly and not have consequences. So I went forward…knelt and prayed…surrenduring my will, my grief, my self-centeredness. Pastor came over and prayed with me. He knew what I was dealing with because he has dealt with it himself. On a side note, I’m so thankful for the people who God has specifically brought into my life to walk this path with me. Anyway, after the service, I sat in the first row for a few minutes, staring at the stage…remembering the last time I had been on that stage…memories of my husband’s life and his funeral ran through my head as I surrendered even my memories. Yes, I am still grieving…but I can serve in the midst of my grief. With God’s help I can extend myself to others in need. I don’t see anywhere written in the Bible that widowhood gives me license to live a selfish life. Being a widow is not the thing I want to define my life…it’s a part of God’s plan for me…but not the whole plan.
So…what does this look like? I’m not sure yet. But I am striving to be obedient in the ways that the Spirit prompts me. It takes a lot of effort on my part to train my brain to think outside myself. I feel like a slate that’s been wiped clean…an empty vessel waiting to be filled again. I desperately want it to filled with Jesus…only Jesus.
Beautiful Things 
Thank you for sharing this with us, Jessica. It has been over 4yrs now since all my dreams seem to exploded and I sat in the shattered pieces bleeding and crying. As I look back, I can see the many ways He planned this path for me and the way He has worked it out for my good and His glory. It is hard to look outside our pain, because it is soooo consuming. But it is good for us…..and I praise God that you have surrendered to Him on this.
A young widow named Anne on the Fellowship of Young Widows and Widowers email list shared this powerful statement, “To accept that widowhood is my ‘assignment’ for the moment, though hard, is also encouraging, because I know I am walking in God’s will.” Such powerful truth!!!
It is hard, but being in His will is the safest and best place to be.
Continuing to pray for you each morning,
Praise God for the things He is doing in your life.
Hey Jess
I came across this website: http://www.hellorighton.com/ the other day… a story similar to yours that I thought you might be interested in. If you scroll down about 3 posts, there is a video of this man’s life-he also left his wife and 3 children recently to cancer. Thought it might help to connect with others, although I am sure you are already doing that.
I still want to come over and bring you a couple of things- one that someone else has given me to give to you. Maybe we can arrange something over email soon. 🙂 Andrew would LOVE to see Ava! 🙂 No, he hasn’t forgotten about her! 😛
Praying for you,
Jen, Craig & Andrew
Jess,
An old friend of ours in Michigan lost her husband suddenly in a car accident. He used to be one of our pastors in Cedar Falls. Pastor Nemmers and him were great friends too. God keeps placing you and her on my heart and I keep asking God if I should introduce you two if you haven’t been already. I just keep thinking that the two of you may be able to encourage each other. Let me know if you’re interested.
We continue praying for your family.
Janelle
Hi Jess,
Could I ask you to do something for us? I’ve hesitated because I realise the path you are walking right now has a lot to work through, but I can’t think of anyone more qualified than a mother who’s little girl went through major issues with her heart. We recently found out that Caroline was born with a heart problem…tissue or a membrane is growing over the end of her aeortic valve, disrupting the flow and causing a murmer. After lots of tests the doctor says that it isn’t life threatening at the moment, but the only way to take care of this issue, should the need arise is through open heart surgery. I have thought many times of you and Ava as we sat in doctor’s offices, waited for test results or looked at a screen of snowy stuff as the doctor pointed to different parts of her heart. Would you pray for us, specifically for Caroline? That God would preserve her and give us wisdom for the future, but most of all that His will would be accomplished in and through this?
Thank you so much for sharing your life so transparently… so many of us are learning through your example. And its only because you have shared your heart that I feel ok about asking for your prayers. Again, thank you.
O.K. I can set you up. Drive on down and you can start on laundry, or maybe cleaning floors, or shoveling horse poop. 🙂 Ha, ha.
Words can not express how you bless me, each time I read your blog. You and your sweet children remain in my prayers and thoughts.
Thank you for sharing your heartfelt thoughts with us, Jess. It helps to know how to pray for you. We will pray for opportunities and wisdom for you. God is already using you, precious one. Hupomeno…”bear up under”.
Jess, it’s only been in the last few years or so that the Lord has impressed upon my heart (through big trials and small), that I needed to come before Him and say, “O.k. Lord, what is it you want me to do? Just for this day, without my mind racing ahead to figure it all out–what is it You want me to do?” I’ve laid down some of my “dreams and desires” to make room for His perfect plan and the ways He wants to use me. I’ve been humbled and amazed at what God is doing (not that I’m doing anything amazing!). But what brings such peace and joy is that I only have to come to Him each day and say again, “O.k. Lord, what would you have me do TODAY.” And then, for one day, I look for ways to be obedient to His direction. Anyway, I hope this makes sense and encourages you to simply serve Him in the opportunities He’ll bring across your path. BTW, you have been ministering to so many through this process, and I’m sure you already realize that.
Love,
Jen
Oh, Jessica Rose, God is making your heart so beautiful, uniting it to fear His name! Love you and praying often.
I read this this morning and considered what you said several times during the day. Why did this happen? We knew that our loved ones would someday be gone, but we/I didn’t realize or consider what would happen afterwords.We were focused on them. I knew God had a plan for my wife, but until today, didn’t ask myself, or God, What is the plan for me?
I do appreciate reading you blogs and the Godly attitude you have had through this. Thank you.
-Luke Ulrich
When you said “I don’t see anywhere written in the Bible that widowhood gives me license to live a selfish life.” that made me think of the story of Ruth and her mother-in-law Naomi, which means pleasant. Naomi inthe first chapter lost her husband and her only 2 sons leaving just her with her 2 foreign daughters-in-law, Orpah and Ruth. She gave them both the opportunity to return to Moab but Ruth stayed. Anyway by the end of the first chapter Naomi changes her name to Mara (bitter) but by the end of the book God used Boaz to redeem their family and bring them into the family line of Christ. Mark Driscoll does a great sermon series on this book of the Bible (http://www.marshillchurch.org/search/results?q=ruth).
I continue to pray for you and your family as often as I think of it.
Jess- this is the most beautiful and touching blog post yet. I feel so challenged and stirred right now. Thank you so much for being such a good example. Wow. Love you. to. pieces.!
Wow. Thank you for sharing. What a convicting blog entry. It’s a good reminder to anyone who reads it that even during hard trials, God is always at work; even when we may not see the big picture.
Just wanted to let you know that we’re remembering with you today…you all are on our hearts and in our prayers this weekend. Josiah is having the most amazing Easter celebration with his risen Savior! Amen & Amen! We love you!