I’m having a bit of a “heavy day” today. I won’t go into a lot of detail of all the reasons “why”…there are several. It’s ok though, it’s saves me the trouble of worrying that I’m doing “too good” for a woman who just buried her husband 2 months ago.
I think it started when I took Ava to Target after her dentist check-up (which went great BTW). We were wandering around because, since we didn’t have Lincoln with us, we could meander to our heart’s content…and both of us love to meander at Target 🙂 Anyway, we were looking at bicycle helmets and Ava pipes up with “I think my Dad will teach me how to ride a bike”. Thud went my heart and my breathing immediately became tight. I assured Ava that someone would definitely teach her how to ride her bike…but it wouldn’t be her Daddy. There was more to that conversation..but that is not that unusual for us anymore. We have regular conversations in whatever isle we are in about “why did my Daddy have to go to heaven?” or “I used to share that candy bar with Daddy didn’t I?”…yep, not your typical conversation while comparing yogurt but it’s our life. I always answer her questions no matter where we are or who we are with because I told her that she could talk about Daddy and ask me anything at anytime and I need to keep that promise. Today’s question was just more difficult for me to swallow…maybe because it’s something I had thought of when the worst thing we thought was going to happen was Josiah losing his leg. Now, the thought of all those special “Daddy things” that they won’t be doing together just hurts. And to have to explain that to my little 4-year old…well…it’s just a heavy thing to do. So, we “perused” a little longer than I had planned until I could think again and breathe somewhat normally. We made the rest of our time fun and ended with a trip through the drive through and a “picnic” in the back seat of our van (it was pouring rain at the time) while listening to a story CD. I am thankful that I can now have those tight breathing/little panic attacks and get through them and move on much faster these days. The heaviness remains, but I am more able to keep functioning through the pain. Tears are becoming more healing and not just exhausting. And my God remains faithful even on these heavy days.
Beautiful Things 
I pray God gives you more and more grace everyday, and that his presence is very strong so you can make it during the day. I like your other posts about Easter…they challenge me. Thank you for posting and letting us know about you…please don’t stop…lots of love
My love, I want to wrap you up in a big hug right now! Reading that made my chest tighten up…so I can only imagine how you are hurting. I can still feel the hug you gave me at the funeral, and always will. You are a strong woman my friend…just promise me you wont be afraid to let those of us, who love you dearly, to hold you once in awhile!
I LOVE YOU!
Oh, Jessica….thank you for sharing. It has been a day here too. It is mind boggling how a hole can weigh so much…… Those little kid questions are so innocent of the piercing pain that comes with them. More will come. Keep your promise to Ava. It is a great promise. You are a wonderful mom!!
You are doing just right as a woman who is leaning on the Lord 2 months after her beloved has been gone from her side. God’s grace is carrying you; you see it. And others see HIM because of it. Keep cling to Him moment by moment, Jessica.
Praying for you much tonight!
Thanks, dear Jessica, for sharing your ups and downs, the joys and the “heavies,” always coming back to your dependence on God. You bless my heart, and I know I’m not alone in that, or in praying for you!
Jessica,
I only know you through this blog and your story through a member of your church, but I need to tell you what a huge inspiration you have been to me even though we have never met.
I was saved on 2/25/10, after hearing about Josiah’s life as a Christian.
Brent Oullette’s testimony added to the mounting number of questions I was struggling with, and it all came together in the presence of 2 ‘Jesus Girls’ who held my hands and helped me pray for salvation.
I walk through my days now with heightened senses, searching for Jesus everywhere I go. Which now brings me to today.
I was strolling along at Target when I heard the sweet, happy sounds of a little girl. I passed by a couple of aisles, searching for the source of that pure, Jesus joy when I spotted some blonde hair and the cutest set of pink glasses ever. It was Ava with you! I wanted so badly to introduce myself and chat with you for a moment and, well, give you a big ‘ole hug. But then I remembered that even though I ‘know’ you, you have no clue as to who I am. It might have been awkward.
When I read your post tonight, I knew I needed to tell you about what I saw today: a beautiful happy mother enjoying time with her sweet little girl. I loved that you didn’t shush her. You allowed her voice to carry through the ailses, and the result was it brought me joy. Thank you.
Even though you were having a ‘heavy thought day’, to the rest of the world you appeared put together, relaxed, happy and enjoying being a mom.
I apologize for how l long this message is, but I wanted to let you know that you made someone’s day brighter. Proving to a new Jesus Girl how the strength of faith can carry us all. I am in awe of your devotion to Christ, to your husband and to your children.
Amy Berger
I keep up with your posts and I’ve learned so much from your testimony of God’s sovereign grace in these trials you’re facing. Your radical reliance on and love for God convicts me everytime I read your posts. Thank you for being honest and transparent- your impact, (by His grace, i realize) is far reaching and absolutely inspiring. I leave your page each time with a renewed burden to take you and your kids before our Father; but I also leave with the desire to look more like Jesus. You inspire me to worship and that’s a beautiful thing! I’m praying for you, sister. May God continue to hold you, mold you, and make you to be more like Himself.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your amazing faith in our Savior. You are an amazing example of a woman after God’s own heart! I am praying for you and your family my dear that God continues to hold you close to his heart!
Praise God Ava and Lincoln have you and you cling so tightly to God. I’m still praying that God will give you everything you need for each day, including His strength, comfort, and peace.
God bless!
The Lord put you heavy on my heart today as I was walking and I prayed continually for you. Then I came home and read this. It is so very interesting how the Lord urges us to pray for someone in particular. I pray your day is not so heavy today. Continuing to pray…
Jessica, thanks be to God who has given you the motherly wisdom to be so open with your children! God’s healing hand is truly upon you and your children, and He will take you all the way from the darkness into the light! You are such an inspiration; God, I’m sure, has a marvelous plan for your life.
Just popping to say you are on my heart tonight!
Praying for you and your little ones!
Loved your Easter post Jess. He is risen and it’s comforting to me to see that you are able to praise in your situation. We all have that fear of losing our mate and it helps to silence my fear when I read how God is with you through this. Thanks for always being transparent. I was heartbroken over Ava’s words and the thoughts of her little heart. We have a young widow down the road from us raising a cute little blondie who is Ava’s age. Her daddy was my hubby’s best friend. It’s so hard to see her grow up without him there to do all the things that Clint does with our children. I never take your words in one ear and out the other. I try to let them soak into my heart and then not waste a moment with my family. I am so grateful for your life and your testimony and how it jerks me to attention. I also hate your testimony! And I hate our friend’s situation as well. I want the victory of Easter to be realized in its entirety and for us all to be together with Jesus and through with the pain of this world. Sigh. I’d apologize for the stark honesty of my post but I have nothing to fall back on – I’m always this transparent and it’s why I like you and like reading your blog. Wish you were closer – we’re having mom’s night out tonight and it’d be fun to hang out with you. Mexican food and the new Uma Thurman movie “Motherhood”. So….run out to redbox and rent the movie and I’ll think of you while we watch it down here in MO. Just make sure to enjoy some chips and salsa. Caution: I have no idea if the movie will be appropriate or not! Hopefully it will be good. Love you all. Enjoy your weekend!
Jessica, you have been quiet. Praying that in the silence Christ is ministering to your heart in a tender way.
Psalm 61:1-3
Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer. From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For thou has been a shelter for me, a nd a strong tower from the enemy.
Daily prayin’ for you,