I usually have a pretty good idea of what I’m going to do with my evenings. But tonight I feel restless…unsettled…weary. It’s a strange combination and I’m not sure what to do with it.
Sometimes I can’t believe that this is my life. How did this happen? Was it really only a year ago that cancer entered our lives? How could my life change so much in such a short period of time? Was that really me that watched my husband die? How can I already be a widow at the age of 25? Sometimes I look at our wedding photo hanging on my bedroom wall and I miss that girl looking back at me. I miss that innocent love shining in our eyes. I miss the dreams we had together. I miss the laughter we shared. I miss quiet evenings after the kids were in bed…it was his favorite time of the day…he told me that often. I miss being a part of him…I miss the part of me that disappeared when he died.
I am adjusting and I am learning so much…but sometimes this all feels like a dream and there is a tiny little part of my brain that still thinks he’s coming back. It’s tough having that conflict because the rest of me knows he’s never coming back….but there is that little bit of me that just doesn’t want to believe that.
There are some things from this past year that I know I just need to write down so I can stop rehashing them in my brain…but I just can’t quite make myself do it…it hurts too much.
I have started going through “our” bedroom, packing up Josiah’s things and making it into “my” bedroom. I knew from almost the moment after Josiah died that I would need to do this…but I haven’t been able to until this week. It’s been a good thing. I found his journal and read the entire thing. Such precious words.
Well, I guess I just needed to get some things “out” tonight…and have a good cry while I was doing it. I feel better. Writing things down is just such a release for me…it’s how God made me.
Thanks for listening.
Beautiful Things 
Thank you for continuously sharing your broken, but healing, heart with us. I know the Lord is using you and giving us understanding to minister to others in the future. Praying for you.
Jess,
Praying for you, dear friend. Thank you for your transparency and honesty…it helps me know how to pray for you more specifically.
I’d love to watch your kids or help you organize sometime…I’m here to help however I can.
Let’s plan that dinner night soon! Love you!
Thanks for writing…thanks for sharing…Love you!
Jessica, I marvel at how you do all the right things to move yourself through the pain of grief, and, believe me, I know it’s hard work. Longing for the physical presence of your loved one is a very normal part of the grief process. It is natural to look for the physical presence and long for the one who’s suddenly evaporated from us. Moving through this part of grief takes a long time, but know that you must do it and writing your feelings is so helpful. One day you’ll no longer remember this horrific pain of loss and just as you are beginning to move forward by going through his “things” and making your bedroom your own, you will have a life of your own and it will feel okay and feel joyful. Meanwhile, don’t hold back the tears.
May you find a special blessing in today.
Jess,
Our hearts hurt for you as we read about the challenges you are facing, but we are so glad that you can be transparent and share your heart with others. Your words are ministering to many people in so many ways. The Lord has given you a unique ministry via the internet and you are touching the lives of so many people. Someday, Ava and Lincoln will be very grateful that you have taken the time to write down your thoughts also! They will know about the example of their godly daddy because you have written down so many memories for them to have for the rest of their lives. It will be priceless to them! They have been blessed to have a very gifted and godly mom as an example to look up to also… Someday, “Her children will rise up and call her blessed”. Proverbs 31:28a. Josiah loved you so much and he knew he had a special wife in you, Jess. You gave him a great gift, by always being there for him during his illness, especially that last month of his life. As the Proverb says: “The heart of her husband safely trusts her: So he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.” Proverbs 31:11-12. Also, “Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.” Proverbs 31:30 You have shown your fear (reverence) of the Lord to everyone who knows you, and we are thankful for your encouragement to us and your love for the Lord. We know that you will have good days and hard days, but we appreciate you sharing them with us so that we know how to pray for you. We will continue to pray for the Lord’s sustaining peace, grace and comfort for you each day. Love to all of you, Aunt Mona and Uncle Tom
Oh, Jessica, you have such a gift for drawing us into the journey you are on. I, too, thank you for helping us know how to pray for you on a day to day basis. You are teaching many people a lot of valuable lessons as you share on this blog. I loved the pictures at the beach; I feel like I know you and even without ever having met you. I have probably said that before, but it is such a different thing for me to experience, and I know that it is because our hearts are knit together in the Lord and because you have made yourself vulnerable to share your heart.
I just want to say that I think you are working through things in good time–I know that one thing Josiah had to love most about you is your incredible strength–I know it has to be from the Lord. And it tells me how much you love those children and are thinking of them as you push yourself along. I know he would be so proud of you. I used to think our loved ones couldn’t see us when they go to be with the Lord. I’m not so sure after reading Randy Alcorn’s book. But one thing that occurred to me after my Dad died was this thought: He was a great prayer warrior and I always felt like I lost that element when he left this earth. But, one day it struck me that he was probably just talking to the Lord face-to-face about me now. Maybe you’ve already had that thought. I just found it so comforting to think of.
You have many people loving and praying for you–those restless, unsettled days won’t last forever. There will be light at the end of the tunnel if you just keep your eyes on Him, just as you are. Take care and I will continue bringing you before the throne on this side of the country.
Your Mom’s old friend,
Kim Saunders
Dear Jessica,
Baby steps surrounded by prayer…..I am proud of you for taking your troops to the “beach” and for beginning the babysteps for making the bedroom yours. It is a tough step but a healing one.
Praying for you daily,
I love you so very much my friend! You know I’m here if you need anything at all!
Praying for your heart…. XO
Thanks for sharing, Jess. I pray so often for you. It seems I am always thinking of you and am sending up prayer darts. I enjoyed the beach ramblings. Did not get my post on that. Water always makes me feel better!!
Keep on keepin’ on….we love you and the wee ones!
Continuing to pray…
I am sure Friday evenings have to be the worse…everything is geared towards Fridays…outings, prelude to weekends, a time of refreshing and relaxing with the family…and now, with your family dynamics so different…it must be very difficult. I continue to lift you in prayer…”baby steps, surrounded by prayer” – I like that thought. Don’t be so hard on yourself…it hasn’t been very long and I think you are doing amazingly well…Josiah would be proud…I am in awe of your strength.
Donna Hardin
Hey Jessica,
I just found out today about Josiah’s passing. I am sorry. I just joined facebook and was looking for him on there. I wanted to reconnect with him since I haven’t talked to him for a long time. I found you and this sad news. Trent confirmed it to me. The last time I talked to Josiah was soon after Ava was born. I called him to tell him that I was praying for you guys. I am sorry I was not there and I lose touch with him and you.
Sincerely,
Seth
Jessica, you have been so inspiring to us. God is answering prayers in so many ways! Thank you for continuing to share! My Mother kept journals for most of her 101 years. Those journals have been, even now, a reminder of her strength and God’s grace. Your children will always have this part of your lives ‘written down’. They are so sweet! Love and prayers, Carol