- My mom and I put together our first garage sale. We like to go to them together but this was the first one we have actually had ourselves. It was fun (although time-consuming), we got rid of a lot of stuff, and made some cash. All in all, a good experience…and we are even starting to talk about next year…we’ll see 🙂 In going through some boxes to find things to sell, I came across a box of wedding gifts that I had completely forgotten about. Just some cloth napkins and a table runner…but they had never been used and I guess they were just a visible symbol of broken and unrealized dreams. We never had a nice table to use them on but I so wish that I would have used them anyway. Life is too short to wait until everything is just right to use those special things…everyday is special. Everyday is a gift. When I found them, I completely fell apart on my laundry room floor and sobbed. It had been a couple of weeks since I had one of my curled up on the floor, uncontrollable, heart-wrenching, cries. That kind of crying does not feel healing to me…it’s completely exhausting and I will feel it for a couple of days. I know it’s part of grief…but it hurts.
- We spent a lot of time with family 🙂 I love that we have so much family close by!
- Ava and I (and my mother-in-law) were invited to a real english tea party on Saturday. We had so much fun!
It’s a mother/daughter team that put these on and they have a different theme every month. This month’s theme was Mary Poppins. Since Ava had never seen Mary Poppins, I bought her the movie last week in preparation and she LOVES it. Ava was so excited to go (although, I had to burst her bubble and tell her that we would not be drinking tea on the ceiling)! The tea was such a relaxing and girly thing to do together and I loved sharing that with my girl.
The tea place was out in the gorgeous country
Come to find out, Ava loves tea…although about half-way through our time I think the caffeine went to her head and she was a little jittery 🙂
Ava working on her pinky technique 🙂
- Usually by the time Sunday rolls around, I am drained and just feeling like I’m not sure I can do this anymore. Every Saturday night I’m not even sure if I have it in me to make it to church. But having fellowship with my church family, worshiping in song, and hearing God’s Word preached is incredibly refreshing to my heart. Sundays help bring my focus to where it should be…on the cross and on my Savior. Sundays recharge me and give me fuel for another week. There are usually challenges in the day as well. My Sunday was going pretty well this week until Sunday night. I was feeling fine, no problems, just singing with the rest of the congregation, when we started singing “Blessed be Your name”. It was the first time we had sung it in church since Josiah’s funeral. Grief hit me out of nowhere like a crashing wave. My heart started beating really fast (which is normal for me in these kinds of situations), my breathing was heavy and painful…and then the tears started coming. I had no hope of actually singing the song and I had to leave to go sit down and regain control. I chose a bathroom stall and did some major deep breathing and crying. I’ve had these episodes quite a bit these last couple months…but this was the second one this week and I think probably the worst one I’ve had. A dear friend (who is herself a widow) saw me flee to the bathroom and came in after a few minutes and just gave me a hug. We chatted a little and then went somewhere to sit for the rest of the service. I am so thankful for the people who God brings to come alongside me. So thankful.
Beautiful Things 
Dear Jessica,
It was good to hear of the splendid tea party! I have no little girls, but I can just imagine the fun! What a treat!
Oh, how I understand feeling drained and like I can’t do this anymore. You said, “Every Saturday night I’m not even sure if I have it in me to make it to church.” Yup, been there, I have that same thought still alot. Sometimes it is the weariness of grief, sometimes it is spiritual attacks masked as grief. satan knows how needful Sunday worship is for you and will try his best to deter you. Stay determined! Stay faithful…even when it hurts, heartwrenching, painfully sobbing hurts! I am so glad your friend came and ministered to you.
As draining and difficult as these grief waves are, they are healthy even when they don’t feel like it. Your grief is spilling out of your heart, earthquaking its way out shaking you physically. It can be frightening, frustrating, and down right torture.
I remember my friend sharing in a Bible study about the difference between the crying and wailing we read of in scripture. The wailing was one thing I never understood until my grief was so real that I couldn’t contain it. The mourning that came out of my mouth seemed to come from the depths of my soul. Like a labor contraction, I could not stop it or control it. The pain that rippled through me as I wailed blinded my eyes more than the tears that streamed down my face. I remember grabbing a pillow to quench the loud cries of my aching soul. I feared my boys being frightened by my sorrow. I don’t know how long it lasted, I just know I feared it would never end. But God’s comfort did come, though I felt shaky and exhausted. I don’t know how many times these deep waves of agonizing grief swept over me the first year. Grief waves still come, even 4 yrs later, but they aren’t as intense and horribly heartwrenching with the deep lamenting of sorrow.
A verse the Lord gave me as a promise that I won’t hurt forever is Psalm 147:3 “He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.” Continuing to pray for you daily, Jessica! Big Hugs!!
still praying you through this sweetie… i can’t imagine walking in your steps, but want to pass on a few hugs, and true words of love and encouragement. What an amazing woman and mom you are… i’ve never met you, but i think of you and your kiddos a lot. As my sister in Christ, i’m honored to be praying you through this time in your life… much love!
Jessica,
The Lord is with you! The God who formed the universe, formed Ava’s precious heart, and formed your own heart is holding you in His hands. He watches over you, He delights in you, He weeps with you, and He makes plans for you. Plans that will bring you peace and Him glory.
It is a blessing to pray for you. Psalm 92 has verses that will guide my prayers this week: An outpouring of God’s steadfast love on you in the morning, and the strength to praise His faithfulness at night.
It is good to give thanks to the LORD,
to sing praises to your name, O Most High;
to declare your steadfast love in the morning,
and your faithfulness by night,
Hi Jess…Enjoyed the pics of Ava’s birthday and Mr. Lincoln. I spent some time on the Miss Spencer website. That looks fun and very relaxing. I could be a country girl very easily. Ava looks so much like you!! We continue to uphold you…
What cute pics of the tea. Nice pinky work, Ava. MC would love something like that. Her brothers are so, what’s the word…much. That’s it. They are so MUCH. She could use a tea where everyone acted proper and no one did gross guy things and pleasant conversation was had by all. And I really should rent Mary Poppins for her. She would think it was magNIFicent. Ahh. The world through the eyes of little girls.
Thanks so much for the reminder to use the fancy napkins. I had the honor of receiving my Grandma’s dishes this fall after she passed away. I miss her a lot and doggone it we’re using those dishes. Every day!
I’m sorry that your life is so hard. I’m praying and I’m so thankful that there are people coming along side you. And I’m thankful for Ava and Lincoln’s smiles. I know you are too. Thanks for always sharing the pictures. They’re adorable! Love you all.
Love tea too…if you and Ava have a chance try a rose essence tea. The flavor is delicate and is aromatic…It is black tea so dont give to much to Ava. It has a lot of caffeine. I am sorry for the grief you are experiencing. I pray God gives you comfort, clarity, purpose and direction. I pray God places his hand over you and the children. I ask for provision and protection and that you can see it clearly so you can get encouragement and the fears fade away. Thank you for sharing your life in this blog. I will keep praying for you and your family.
Dear Johnson family, We are still praying God’s grace on you as you continue on in your journey through this life. I agree with you very much regarding Sundays. I believe the devil does all he can to mess with us on Saturdays to get our focus messed up, and keep our eyes off our Best Friend. We as a body are called to uphold you throughout these days. We are told to pray without ceasing. It’s good that you girls got to do some fun girl things (such as tea time). It’s all part of growing up. Ava will remember her first “tea” I’m sure. We pray that God will draw you closer to Himself each day, and His love will pour all over you. Do keep coming to the House of God as that is where we all get lots of strength from – the people of God as well as our shepherd who brings us the Word. Fee has a song on the radio now that I am sure you will get encouragement from. It is called “Everything Falls” and I am sure that you will find Truth in the words. See you @ SBC soon. Here are the lyrics:
You said You’d never leave or forsake me, when You said this life is shake me. You said this world is gonna bring trouble on my soul. This I know.
When everything falls apart, Your arms hold me together. When everything falls apart You’re the only hope for this heart. When everything falls apart and my strength is gone, I find You mighty and strong. You keep holding on, You keep holding on.
When I see darkness all around me, when I see tragedy has found me, I still believe. Your faithful arms will never let me go. Still I know
Sorrow will last for the night, but hope is rising with the sun, it’s rising with the sun. There will be storms in this life, but I know You have overcome, You have overcome
When everything falls apart, Your arms hold me together. When everything falls apart You’re the only hope for this heart. When everything falls apart and my strength is gone, I find You mighty and strong. You keep holding on, You keep holding on.