So…I’ve been quiet. On my blog at least. And now I’m so far behind on things I don’t even know where to start. I guess I’ll start with this…
I miss him.
I miss him…a lot.
Maybe that sounds too simple…but it’s the truth. I feel like I am missing him more and more as time goes on but maybe I’ve just been missing him longer so if you add it up, it is more. I’m sitting here listening to a spring storm and missing him. He loved a good thunder-storm and I don’t…so we would meet in the middle and just cuddle through them…I miss that. The last couple weeks have been busy. Two weeks ago I was working on a different project which tied up my computer MUCH longer then planned. Last week was quite busy so there wasn’t much left over time for blog posting. So, those are some excuses for my absence…but the real truth is that I’ve been having some difficult days…especially last week. I can’t point to just one thing that sent me spinning, I’m sure it’s just a combination of a whole bunch of things. But regardless of the reason, I was hit by a tidal wave of grief last week. When it hits this hard I feel like I am just wearing a shroud of grief and it’s so difficult to see beyond it. Life keeps going on and so I have to go with it. I have responsibilities that no matter what the state of my heart is in, I’ve got to keep pressing on. But I have felt this week like I have been barely keeping my head above water. I feel exhausted…not sure why, I just do. Everything just feels like so much more of an effort when grief is weighing on me so much. Putting this stuff into words is good for me…I know that…but sometimes I just don’t have it in me. I’m “kinda” stubborn and apparently I don’t learn very quickly because when I don’t “feel” like talking or writing I just don’t, even though I know that I would heal faster and better if I would just face it head on and deal with everything. Maybe someday I will learn.
Anyway, when people ask me how I’m doing, I try not to lie. I usually won’t say I’m doing “good” if I’m really not. In fact, I think I’ve only answered “good” a handful of times this past year. But, I will admit, sometimes it just slips out because sometimes (ok, most of the time) I don’t really want to answer with “well, I am so overwhelmed I can’t see straight, single parent-hood is kicking my behind, and I cried myself to sleep last night…how are you?”. Usually I just say “I’m OK” which is the simple truth.
Loneliness is always present…but sometimes it feels so crushing…especially at night. My kids are growing and changing and learning every day and it grieves me to think about how much Josiah would love watching it with me. I can just hear him repeating some dare-devil stunt of Lincoln’s or some funny story of Ava’s with that proud little look on his face…I miss that.
This is a heavy post. Of course, like always, this isn’t everything. There is always more going on and I’ll hopefully get caught up on all the rest in another post. God is faithful…even when I am not (2 Timothy 2:13). He is patiently guiding me even when I feel like I take a step forward and then two steps back and have to re-learn everything. There are days when I just have to keep repeating to myself “joy comes in the morning”…morning can’t be far away.
Beautiful Things 
still praying you through this storm sweetie… morning will come. *hugs*
Oh, Jess…I have been missing you lately, and am looking forward to our next get-together. You are on my heart tonight, and I’ll be praying for you as you try and get some rest this evening.
Let’s not let so much time go by without getting together…look at your calendar and let’s see what day or evening would work.
Words are escaping me tonight…I wish I could give you a hug. I love you, and we’re praying.
Thank you for your gut honesty. Thank you for breaking the silence with your post. I understand,girl, the heavy, overwhelming weight that comes with those simple words….I miss him……just typing them brings tears. When the grief is so crushing and engulfing you so much that you look bewildered to how you can even be standing…breathing…it is then that it is the hardest to share…..because it makes it all so REAL.
There is no easy way to do this journey. It is by the grace of God that we are even standing at the end of the day. It is Him that helps us get out of bed each am. Clinging to Him moment by moment, because nothing else makes sense anymore……even clinging to Him doesn’t seem to make sense at some moments. But I continue to do so, because truth doesn’t depend on my emotions so even in the midst of the greatest avalanche of confusion and pain, clinging to Him was my lifeline. Because it was ingrained in me that He is the Way and holding His hand is only way to have some sort of direction in this mess.
Thank you again for posting and please know that the JH Girls and I will be rallying around you in prayer.
Hey there Miss Jess
I’m almost in tears reading your post. I’m sorry! I have not been praying for you or lifting you up as much as I did weeks ago. I read somewhere that grief is the worst 6 months later because you still feel awful but everyone else has returned to their normal routines. I’m ashamed that that is true. 😦 I’m also sad that there are so many tragic situations that it seems like we walk through one straight into another leaving the survivors to fend for themselves. I know that I’m incapable of being perfect (that is SUCH an issue for me!!!!) and praying for everyone that I want to pray for as much as I want to pray for them is never going to happen. But the squeaky wheel gets the grease! And your blog has been just that – a squeaky wheel! All of the cute pictures stay in my mind and help me to visualize A and L and pray for them. Your funny stories or sad stories or bittersweet stories form pictures in my mind that the Holy Spirit brings up to prompt me to pray for you. I don’t want this blog to be a burden to you or for you to ever feel that you NEED to write on it to make the rest of us feel “updated”. That is not my heart. But it definitely has been used by the Holy Spirit to keep you on my mind and heart. And praise the Lord there are times when completely out of the blue and in the most random situations you will come to mind and I know that you are in a “thunderstorm” and Jesus is asking me to join Him in lifting you up. Isn’t it a privilege and so very humbling to be in that situation? It just deepens our love for Him more and more. And it helps me when I look back on a trying situation and realize “a-ha!” my brothers and sisters had to be praying for me right then. You are such a blessing to me and to so many others. Thanks for the update. Kiss those adorable kiddos. And eat some ice cream – it’s summertime! I had a hot fudge shake today…didn’t need it 🙂 but am so glad I had it! Enjoy the sunshine.
Thank you for sharing your difficult journey. With God’s help and strength we are walking step by step.
Each time you write, it strengthens my faith. I only hope our prayers can do the same for you. God is holding your tears in His hands and He is good. I am praying that that simple truth (which, like “how you’re doing,” is actually so much more complex) will wash over you and fill your heart and your mind.
Joanna
Jessica ~
I was thankful to see your post – thankful that the Lord gave you the strength to write it even though I’m sure you feel drained afterwards.
I continue to cover you in prayer…..I read this verse today and thought of you….
I guide you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths. When you walk, your steps will not be hampered; when you run, you will not stumble. Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well, for it is your life” (Proverbs 4:11-13).
Our lifeline is through Jesus….keep pressing on as you said, keep leaning and also keep HOPING, our HOPE is in Christ and He does not ever leave us or forsake us…..in our loneliest moment, we are not alone…..learning to fall into His arms is a process, I know…..you’d rather fall into your Josiah’s arms…..
Hugs and Love to you
Hello love! I wish I could relay in words how much I hurt for you and with you when I read your entry and even when you come to mind multiple times everyday and I throw up a prayer for you. As I’ve felt so lousy the last 2 months I’ve had the feelings everyday of not wanting to face another day, not wanting to deal with my everyday responsibilities, not wanting Nate to get home past 9pm one more night ’cause I couldn’t do it myself another minute. Everytime these thoughts flash thru my mind I think of you and how pathetic my feelings are when this is a short term sickness routine for me and a full time reality for you. I cannot even begin to imagine the loneliness and overwhelming emotions you face every moment of everyday and that you will continue to have to face new ones in the days ahead. You’ll always be my hero! We miss him so much too…the warm weather seems to have brought so many memories of so many summers together. Jude and Cely were running around the soccer field yesterday and it seemed like just yesterday all the guys and munchkins were doing that as we stood by and laughed. Praying for you, Ava & Link….morning is coming. We love you!
Dear Jessica,
It sounds to me like it’s time for you to take a break from your routine and do something SPECIAL just for you! Maybe a massage, a membership to a health club, a night out with a special friend–dinner, a concert, a show! It won’t be the same as a date with Josiah, but you might feel refreshed. You’ve gone from being a caregiver for dear husband, to the on-going care of your children. I’m sure the latter is fulfilling, but every mom needs a break.
You are going to be on the grief roller-coaster for sometime and it’s okay to cry and feel the pain; but, you are still living and need to care for yourself.
After my husband died, I missed our dates to dinner, concerts, and plays; so I subscribed to a concert series for two. Then, I’d invite different girl friends to go with me. I shed a few tears during some of the concerts because I really wanted my husband to be with me, but I also had some laughs and someone to talk with other than family.
Do you have any on-going grief support groups for widows and widowers in your area? The grief support program in which I’ve volunteered for the past 13 years, NEW HOPE, has on-going support/social groups for the young widowed (including a Kids program); a widow/widowers group for middle-aged empty nesters, and a widow/widowers group for older retirees. I was in the mid-range group when my husband died and eventually through these associations, I found a new normal for my life. I had my church, but unless someone has walked in your shoes, he/she can’t know how you are feeling. Try contacting churches, funeral homes, hospitals/hospices, and check your local newspapers for information about such grief.
Thanks for sharing so opening your story. Know you are in the hands of God and prayers of many others.