God is working me over big time in the area of contentment.  Each time I think I’ve found it (contentment that is), God shows me a new area that I need to refine:

• I want to change things.  I want things to stay the same.  I want to get all my ducks in a row…but everything seems topsy-turvy and out of control.  I become frustrated that I just can’t seem to make it all work…and God speaks to my heart and tells me that this is how He wants things to be.  He tells me to rest in Him…to be content in the chaos…He will make a way for me.  He reminds me that I am NOT in control.  Things are different and I need to accept that and learn what this…life is supposed to look like now.
• I am lonely.  I miss being married.  I miss having someone know me so intimately…and love me still.  And God tells me I need to be content in my loneliness.  That He has much to teach me in this season of my life.  That He knows me far more intimately than I know myself…and He loves me still.
• I am overwhelmed with the weight of raising my kids.  I miss my back-up.  I miss discussing different issues that I am facing as a parent…with the other parent.  Sometimes I panic with raising my kids knowing that they are only 4 and 1.  What am I going to do when they get older and things get more complicated?  And God says that all I need to know He has in His Word.  That hasn’t changed.  He will give me the knowledge that I need when I need it…not before.  He promises to be the Father to the fatherless…what more could they ask for in a Father?  What more could I ask for in a Helper?
• One of the things in this journey that has probably surprised me the most is how much I miss Josiah’s confirmation.  Shortly after he died I found myself checking my e-mail and my blog comments with so much more need than I had ever had before.  I was so frustrated and confused by that.  Until I realized that I had never had to seek confirmation because I got all that I needed from my husband and I didn’t even realize it.  I MISS that.  But God reminds me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  He reminds me that I am precious in His sight.  He reminds me that He “gets” me far more deeply than anyone (even my spouse) ever could.  He reminds me that people will always fail me but that He NEVER will.

I feel like such a baby on this road…and such an old woman at the same time.  God is ever patiently showing me how to live this new life.  He knows it’s painful…but He knows it will be worth it.  He knows He can shape me into something new…even when I don’t always believe it (or want it) myself.

“…for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound.  Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:11-13