I had this nice little post written (in my head) about our Memorial day weekend…and I had this other post (written in my head of course) about yesterday being the 4-month mark of Josiah’s promotion. But neither one got written. I have just felt so blah and exhausted lately. Kinda numb and kinda just holding it together. And I feel so tired all the time. Everything just feels like a major effort and I thought if I just pushed ahead I could pull myself out of it. Well, it hasn’t worked. Big surprise, I can’t control everything…I think I’ve mentioned that before. Anyway, I was just feeling blue today and decided spur of the moment to have the kids spend the afternoon and night at my parents house. I needed some time to think…and I needed some time to not think…and I needed some time to grieve…and I needed some time to get some things done. First thing on my very loosely planned agenda…I really needed a good healthy cry. I’m not a big crier normally but the past few weeks I have felt on the verge almost constantly and I have shed some tears here and there, but I needed a good cry. So, I went to my husband’s grave and did just that. This was only the second time I have been there since his funeral. Me and the kids went for the first time on Memorial day. It is more difficult and heart-breaking than I thought it would be to talk about going there. Which is why if you asked what I did on our holiday weekend, I probably left that part out. It’s just hard to make the words come out of my mouth…I’m crying now just typing it. It’s just one more reality check in a steady stream. To hear the words “Daddy’s grave” come out of my precious 4-yr-old baby’s mouth is indescribably painful. But it’s our life and it’s our normal.
Anyway, back to today. When I took the kids to the cemetary, I made a point not to “talk” to Josiah because I didn’t want to confuse them…we talked to God instead. But today, I will admit that I did. It is the weirdest thing to know that his body is buried right there and that fact just makes you want to lay down next to that spot just to try to feel near him again…but then you also have the reality that “he’s” not really there. It is a strange and hard fact to truly grasp. So, I sat there for a while and cried and then I had some really good time in the Word with no rushing or distractions, just me and God. That was definitely something that my soul needed. I didn’t stay too long and stopped at Sonic on the way home (that may become tradition since it is conveniently on the way home :)) and I’ve just been at home since then, puttering around getting some stuff done. I am feeling refreshed and renewed…and I get to sleep in tomorrow for the first time in I don’t know how long, happy day 🙂
I’ll end with a verse that I read in my alone time with God today and then the verse He brought to my mind as my heart’s prayer:
“Cast your burden on the Lord, And He shall sustain you…” (Ps. 55:22a)
“Restore to me the JOY of Your salvation and uphold me by Your generous Spirit.” (Ps. 51:12)
Good-night.
Beautiful Things 
Jess,
We continue to pray for you and the kids. I can’t imagine all the emotions that you go through on a daily basis. You have been through so much, at such a young age. It’s comforting to hear that you are able to have some alone time and able to grieve. I’m sure there’s plenty of times throughout the days, that you just want to take time outs for yourself, but you force yourself to get “through” it. Just remember to keep his memory alive and to trust in the Lord.
Love,
Carrie, Michael, Mason & Emma Sauers
Jess, your strength is showing through the tears! How precious it is to have Ava and Lincoln. That part of Josiah will always be, as well as his love for you. I am also reminded of the contentment, as mentioned by you earlier. Hebrews 13:5 “I will never leave you, or forsake you.” We pray this will be a very special week for you! Carol & Dick
Dear Jessica,
Randy Alcorn wasn’t entirely sure our loved ones don’t hear us from heaven. Every once in awhile I’ll ask God to give my Dad or Mom a message. I’m not ashamed to say that because we both know He can do that if it is important in His scheme. We can trust Him to know. I’m so glad you have the wherewithal to take your Bible with you on days like the one you described at the cemetary. What a special thing to do. As long as you continue to listen to Him through His Word, He will get you through. I am so sure of it, and you know you know that too. And on the other side of this (even if that’s when you arrive in heaven), it’s all going to be o.k.
I have to tell you that all your latest “Ava”-isms and the pictures you just posted remind me of a storybook character that someone just helped me remember the other day, Amelia Bedelia. I love her, by the way (Amelia and Ava). She sounds like Ava has a wonderful sense of humor (maybe from both you and her dad?). She must love to make people laugh. I wish I could hear her sing (I would hide around the corner so she wouldn’t know I was listening).
I’m glad you know when it’s time to get that alone time. I know your parents are grateful that you bring the kids to them at those times. What a blessing to be able to help you in that way. I continue to keep you in my prayers. Thanks for the updates.
Kim Watkins Saunders
Wow Jess. What a horrible memorial day weekend. I’m glad it’s over and in the past. I’m glad you got to have Sonic. I’m glad you got to (hopefully) sleep in. I’m glad you got to have your cry and spend some time in the Word. I’m really glad it’s summer and even though you feel like blah on the inside at least the weather isn’t blah. Nothing’s worse than feeling horrible and the entire landscape looks like, I don’t know, the end of November. Yuck. Or February. Even worse. At least for now nature’s happy and pretty. Except for all of this rain – it’s been extremely rainy down here for several weeks. Blah.
I’ll leave you with a funny that I could see you and Ava being caught in. Charlie and I were in Lowe’s and we were supposed to be picking out a bathtub. We saw one we liked – a plastic version of an old claw foot style – so we climbed in. You’ve got to know if ya fit, right? We fit pretty good in there. If we’d have had some books handy I believe we’d have stayed a good long while. We know we’re weird….it’s what makes us special! Life’s to short not to be your own version of weird.
Hope your month of June is easier than your month of May. Here’s my send – off: may the skeeters be few and the ice cream cold! Happy summer Iowa Johnsons!!!
I’m praying your feeling of refreshment and joy continues through the week, Jessica! He holds you in His hands second by second. You are His beloved.
I’m reminded of the moment in The Magician’s Nephew (by the unsurpassed C.S. Lewis!) when Digory asks Aslan to cure his Mother:
Up till then he had been looking at the Lion’s great front feet and the huge claws on them; now, in his despair, he looked up at its face. What he saw surprised him as much as anything in his whole life. For the tawny face was bent down near his own and (wonder of wonders) great shining tears stood in the Lion’s eyes. They were such big, bright tears compared with Digory’s own that for a moment he felt as if the Lion must really be sorrier about his Mother than he was himself.
“My son, my son,” said Alan. “I know. Grief is great. Only you and I in this land know that yet. Let us be good to one another. …”
God calls to you and says, “My daughter, my daughter. I know.”
All blessings on you this week!
Joanna
Hey Jessica-
I know you don’t know me, but I read your blog all the time..while I was doing my devotions this morning, I read this verse and thought of you.
“My soul melts under this great strain, yet the Lord has become my strength and my salvation”
Psalm 119
Jess, I’m so glad your weary heart, soul, and body got some much needed refreshing. I rejoice that our God meets us in every moment, in every need, and so completely fills it even when we doubt that He can (I know that feeling but not to the depths that you do). I’m glad that you continue to recognize your need to grieve at so many levels. I keep praying for you.
Love,
Jen
Jess – Know that you are continually in my thoughts every single day and in my prayers all of the time. I am so glad that you took the day and night you needed to have some ‘alone’ time. I think that is much needed with having two little ones.. a breath of fresh air to just ‘think’ and ‘regroup’. Know that you are taken care of from our MIGHTY GOD who loves you more than anyone else ever could. 🙂 That is HUGE! I am looking forward to seeing you in a few weeks! You are my #1 HERO WOMAN! Seriously. What an amazing heart you have for God. What a servant you are to the Lord and his little children.
Jess, It was so good to spend time with you and the kids over the holiday weekend. They have grown so much and are just so cute!!! It is going to be busy with all the little ones in Minnesota, but hopefully alot of memories will be made. I am glad you took time for yourself to grieve and just have some quiet, alone time with God! He is definitely the wellspring of refreshment we all need to draw from in this world. Thank you for sharing your heart with us as we continue to pray for your needs, both spiritual and physical. Hugs from both Doug & I!
Oh, Jessica, as I often do when I read your blog I cried. Not out of pity, but out of understanding. I remember those early days of visiting Jim’s grave with the children. The heaviness and deep shattering of the soul. The talks on the way to the grave, “I wish it was someone else’s daddy…when will you die, mommy?” And other tough topics.
Time and God are great healers. This week we went out and washed off the memorial bench and each of the boys helped in a solemn yet honoring way. The older ones shared with little brother again that that is where daddy’s body was but that he wasn’t there, his soul was up with Jesus in Heaven. Then they each commented how great it looked now and skipped off to play. And I lingered as I often do to run my hands over the praying hands on the stone. Somehow it makes me feel closer to Jim.
You so elequently described the battle of knowing he isn’t really there yet the body you touched is. It is tempting to want to lie down there.
I also want to commend you for knowing yourself enough to heed to your needs to get apart and grieve. It is hard as a mom with young children to do. Tears are gifts from God to release emotions we have no words for and I am so glad you had a God date while you were there.
It is a tiring journey and sleep always seem to be lacking. But I am thankful to hear from you and to know God is giving you enough grace for each moment. He is so faithful!
Many Prayers and Hugs,