We made it to the 6-month mark.  As hard as I’ve tried not to, I have been dreading this milestone.  I have felt panicky and overwhelmed at the thought.  But God’s grace was sufficient today…I shouldn’t have worried.  I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately (probably the reason for my previous post), and trying to figure out what I’ve done with the last 6 months.  I think some of the panicky feelings came from just feeling like I’ve let the time slip through my fingers without getting much accomplished.  I know that’s not entirely true, but there seems to be a never-ending list of pressing things on my plate…man, I miss him.  I think I’ve also panicked because I can’t believe I have lived 6 whole months without my other half.  How can that be?  It seems like just yesterday that I was sitting in that hospice room holding his hand and crying out to God to just take him home….and yet, it seems like a life-time ago.  I have very much been missing his laughter lately…and the way he alone could make me laugh.  I took the kids to the cemetary tonight.  I had not been there since Father’s Day.  It’s still such an incredibly painful thing to say “Daddy’s grave”…even more painful to here it out of my 4-year old like it’s completely normal (I guess it is to her).  However, emotion was taken out of the trip when we got there and Ava announced that she needed to use the bathroom.  Josiah’s grave is in the middle of a cornfield so I almost considered braving the bugs and taking her there…but then she informed me that she needed to go #2.  Great.  Thankfully, I keep a little portable potty in my van so I let her use that.  And yes, I did find the humor in it all 🙂  The kids love to run around and as painful as it is, I do enjoy watching them have fun and be comfortable there.  Death, cemetaries, cancer, heaven…these are all very real to them.  We had a conversation about heaven and Daddy and then we prayed.  The kids like to walk around the path at the cemetary so I told them we could do that really quick.  The night was beautiful…the sunset was gorgeous…and the kids were having a great time discovering and exploring.  I had kept it together all day until we were walking along and my sweet boy came up and grabbed my hand and started walking with me.  This is very unlike him.  He is usually too busy keeping up with Ava.  But he gripped my fingers tightly the rest of our walk without a word.  That was so very precious to me…I could feel the sobs welling up inside me.  My precious boy…so very like his Daddy.  He even reached out and wanted to hold his sister’s hand too…it was like he was trying to take care of us.  Oh, my heart was so proud of him.  God knew I needed that.

We finished our walk and I only shed a few tears and managed to keep the sobs silent.  I resisted stopping for ice cream on the way home…after all, I had a bag of poo to dispose of.  Gotta love my life!  God was faithful today…He answered my prayer for just strength for the day.  The day was not without battles, but I have the Lord on my side…whom shall I fear?  Thank you for praying…I could feel them today.

Oh my Love,

Missing you and just wishing I could see just a glimpse of what you were seeing today.  Can’t wait to see your face.  Can’t wait to see your smile.  Can’t wait to see you PERFECT and WHOLE.  What a glorious day that will be!  See you soon Baby.