First of all, thank you for your many prayers and kind words.  Not gonna lie, it was a difficult weekend, but God showed His amazing love to me over and over and that was enough.

I’ve been reflecting on our wedding day and the five anniversaries we shared.  Such precious memories!

Our wedding day was perfect.  Cold but sunny.  I remember being quite the wreck the night before but the day of I was calm and peaceful and…so happy!  I can’t think of a single thing that tainted that day.  This is my favorite wedding photo.  To me it just speaks volumes.  I look so happy and in love and the way he is looking at me with his dimples just slightly showing is how I remember him looking at me every single day.  There are so many things that we shared that day that will always be just between the two of us and while I miss reminiscing with him…I treasure those moments in my heart.  I look at these photos and it seems like a life-time ago…we were both so young and innocent and I love that we at least got to start out that way.

I was pregnant for three of our anniversaries and we never had any set traditions but we always did something to celebrate.  We never really bought each other gifts, but we always exchanged cards or letters.  Honestly, we loved just being together so that was enough.  For our 1st anniversary, I was 6 months pregnant with Ava and we took a weekend trip to Chicago and had SO much fun.  For our 2nd, I think we just went Christmas shopping and out for coffee since Ava was little and still very medically fragile.  For our 3rd, Ava was at her grandparents overnight and we stayed home.  For the first time I fit back into my wedding dress so I surprised Josiah with that.  I was actually pregnant with Grace (the baby we miscarried), but didn’t know it yet.  For our 4th I was VERY pregnant with Lincoln so we kinda celebrated early that year and so the actual day I think was pretty low-key.  For our 5th, we knew it would be our last so we decided to do something crazy and went on a last-minute trip to Las Vegas with 2 of Josiah’s cousins and their spouses (we had all been married about the same time).  We did celebrate just the two of us on the actual day, but kept if pretty simple.

This year I started dreading it a while ago.  It just hurt so much to even think about it.  I love that we always took time to celebrate just the two of us and I have all the letters and cards we exchanged safely tucked away.  It was our day and so personal in what it meant and means to me.  But I knew that the same God who held that day in His loving hands 6 years ago was the same God who would hold this day.  The same God who had planned the day that Josiah and I were joined as one, had a plan for the day that I would grieve the loss that day represented.  Friday, I pretty much cried the whole day and thankfully I had the freedom to do that.  I knew I needed that outlet of my hurting heart and so I tried to embrace it.  Ava and I watched our wedding video that night after Link went to bed and I loved sharing that with her.  We ate pink peppermint ice cream and discussed when she would get to wear a veil like Mommy.  Such a precious memory!  God had made it clear in my mind what to do on Saturday and I was so thankful for that direction from Him.  My first gift of the day was getting to sleep in, which is a rare occurrence thanks to my darling little boy 🙂    The second gift was when we were getting ready to leave the house and in searching for some mittens I came across a ring that I had lost.  I had bought this ring when we went to Florida last December.  I knew it would be our last family vacation and I wanted something special to remember it by.  The last time I remembered wearing it was Josiah’s funeral and even though I knew I wore it after that I couldn’t remember where.  So by the time I figured out it was missing I had no idea where it could be.  That was about nine months ago and I had really given up hope that it would turn up.  I was OK with that.  It was sentimental but it was just a thing and I had bought it myself so it wasn’t even a gift.  So to find it, on my anniversary, was such a surprise and such a sweet reminder of God’s love for me and how He knows my heart.  I started crying of course, which confused Ava greatly, but I was so grateful for that sign from Him.  I love that now, whenever I wear that ring, it will be another reminder that God cares so deeply about my hurts and His love is always with me.

We did eventually leave the house and I went Christmas shopping (without the kids) and had the world’s longest coffee date with a very dear friend, and then had a wonderful evening with my mom and cousin watching a movie and eating chocolate.  I loved that the day was full enough that I didn’t have time to feel sorry for myself, but relaxing enough that I didn’t overlook God’s blessings.

November 20th will always be a very special day to me. When Josiah and I watched our wedding video in January just weeks before he died, I will never forget how solemnly we listened to the vows we took.  When we promised those things to each other we meant them of course, but they took on more meaning the longer we were married.  “For better or for worse.  For richer or for poorer.  In sickness or in health.  As long as we both shall live.” All of those took place in our 5 years of marriage and I will never forget watching that with the man that I loved, knowing what was soon to come and him looking into my eyes and saying “Jess, you have fulfilled all of your vows”.  He never wanted me to doubt that.  He was my perfect match and I saw that the longer we were married and even looking back now, I see how God planned us specifically for each other.  I would marry him again in a heartbeat.

Happy Anniversary Baby!  We’ll celebrate together again soon.