(This post was started some time ago and I just added some more recent events to it.  Brace yourselves.  It’s a long one.)

I want to catch up a little bit on some of the goings on around here.  Mostly because I don’t want to forget.  I want to be able to look back and see the hand of God…I want to look back and see progress…healing…growth.  Being able to look back and see and remember has already been a source of encouragement for me so I want to continue.

• It happened.  I had heard from other’s who had lost loved ones that they would have these vivid dreams about them and I was honestly just kinda waiting for it to happen to me and the other night it did.  Josiah came back for about a day in my dream and I awoke in his arms and felt the way I always used to…safe, secure, loved, at peace…and so many feelings that don’t have words to describe.  It was my favorite place to be.  No matter what we were facing, it seemed better when I was in his arms.  We would face it together.  And in my dream I experienced it and it was wonderful.  But…I woke up and in a way had to say good-bye all over again.  There was a part of me that just wanted to go back to sleep in the hopes of reliving that dream again…and there was a part of me that dreaded it.  I’m not sure those moments of bliss were worth the pain and discontentment that I had to fight the rest of the day.  At one point (actually, this happens often), I had to go into my room, shut the door, ignore the voices of my children, and hash it out with God.  He ALWAYS calms and speaks to my heart…always.  It doesn’t mean that the pain goes away, but He gives me the strength to carry on through it.

• While I’m on the topic of dreams, I had a nightmare the other night.  It was one that played on some of my worst fears and Josiah was not there in my dream and nor was he there when I woke up.  From the time we first got married we had this rule that if either one of us had a bad dream we had the liberty to wake up the other one.  It may seem like a silly rule to make but we both used it and I loved it.  I really missed him when I woke up that night.  Again, I prayed to my Heavenly Father…cause seriously, what else are you going to do?  I have no other option.  But I don’t necessarily see that as a bad thing.  Because finding comfort in talking with my Savior is not only my only option, but it’s my best option and I’m not sure I used to always see it that way.

• My sweet Ava’s grief comes and goes just like mine…like the waves that everyone talks about.  She amazes me with things that she notices and puts together.  The other day we were with several families and I knew our family looked different then the others that were there and I was dealing with the adjustments, but without me saying anything, Ava noticed that all the other kids had Daddy’s but her’s was in heaven.  There is a part of me that hates that I have to help her deal with all this and have these conversations, but I love her tenderness and her obvious love for her Daddy.  She is a very…ehem…vocal child and that is both part of her charm and her downfall.  She can put very random thoughts together at the most random times.  In the heat of the moment she can also say a lot of things that she doesn’t really mean.  It’s a good thing that I read a chapter in Proverbs almost daily because it gives me a lot of good material for this issue 🙂  Anyway, the other day she had done something that she was told not to and was getting disciplined for it.  She was yelling all kinds of things (which she’s also not supposed to do) and all of a sudden she yells out “I just want my Daddy”.  She might as well have stuck me with a knife because the pain of that was real and deep.  I put her in bed and had to leave the room to give myself time to compose myself.  Now, she used to use that tactic to try to get out of discipline with both her Daddy and I, but has not said it since long before Josiah died…and it hurt.  The times when I feel myself stumbling back from a blow are not as frequent lately (and I’m thankful), but they are almost more shocking now when they do happen.  Thankfully, Ava has not said it again…but I know that I will probably face more times like this and am praying that God will prepare my heart to be able to handle it.

• The other day the kids were taking the cushions off the furniture to pile up and jump on (a common occurence in our house).  Well, they are not supposed to take the bottom cushions off the couch, but they did this time for some reason and as I was putting the cushion back on the couch I noticed something stuck in the corner of the couch…it was one of Josiah’s pills.  Don’t worry, it was not anything dangerous (a laxative actually…just one of the lovely side-effects from taking pain meds), and I realize that this story proves how often I vacuum out my couch but it just made me so thankful that pills are not a part of our lives this year.  As much as I miss my precious husband I am so relieved that he is healed and without pain this Christmas season…I wouldn’t bring him back to the life of pain that he left.

• I mentioned going on a few trips.  2 of them were mostly to visit with family and I very much enjoyed them.  But one of them was a weekend get-away trip with my lovely sister-in-law.  We went to Charleston S.C. and just had so much fun.  I did miss the kids and had some anxiety going so far from them…but being able to get away from my normal life and stress, to just bum around with one of my very best friends, sleep in, eat at fancy restaurants, and just relax was wonderful!  And God showed me much which I hope to write about soon.

• The day after I got home from S.C. Ava fell and cut the back of her head which required an ER visit and came home with 5 staples in the back of her head. Being that it was Ava, it was not uncomplicated…3 staples went in, still bleeding, so 3 staples came out, washed the wound better, discovered the cut went to the bone, tried stitches, didn’t work so they came out too, then 5 staples went in and thankfully that worked.  What should have taken a couple of minutes took an hour and a half.  Not fun.  Ava was a trooper (she had everyone wrapped around her finger of course) and was practically promised the moon if she would hold still 🙂 10 days later the staples came out and she is just fine.  God was so good getting us through it.  I have been fearful of something happening to one of the kids all summer and wondering what I would do…Josiah had always helped me on previous ER visits.  But the accident happened at my parents house so I was able to leave Link there and my mom came to the ER with Ava and I.  We survived and I am honestly always surprised and very thankful when we do.

• One of my other lovely sisters-in-law and I took Ava to see the broadway play Mary Poppins. It was sooo much fun and I loved getting to share that with my girl.

• Getting ready for Link’s birthday was terribly painful.  I was starting to get ready and decorate for Christmas at the same time so that just added to it.  Lots of tears shed.  Lots of late night painful conversations with God.  But Link’s party was SO FUN!  My goal was that all the food and especially the cake would be Lincoln friendly and because of his allergies that is a challenge.  Everything turned out great and I couldn’t have been more pleased with how much he loved his cake (last year he gagged)! Since he is obsessed with trains the party had a Thomas theme and I asked all the family if they just wanted to go in on a big gift with me…a train table and wooden train set.  Being that his birthday is so close to Christmas, everyone agreed and it was a big success…Link plays with it nearly every day.  My very favorite moment was after the train had been opened and every one of his grandparents and aunts and uncles were surrounding him helping him build his track. I stood back and just watched for a moment (and took a picture of course) and was so filled with gratitude by the love that my son was so obviously being surrounded with.  My little boy who only had his daddy for just one birthday and also shares his special day with the anniversary of his father’s death…this precious little man is sooo loved and seeing that did this mommy’s heart so much good.  Earlier that day, right after Link woke up that morning, Link gave me a very special gift.  We were looking at some of the pictures I have displayed in the living room and we were pointing out who was in the pictures.  I pointed out Josiah in a photo and we continued down the line.  When we came to the next picture Josiah was in I pointed at the picture and Link said “Da-Da”.  It was the very first time he has recognized Josiah.  I’m pretty sure I started crying…it was just a precious moment and a special gift to my heart.

• The ladies at my church put on a spectacular event called “Rejoice”.  As part of the program, we did “cardboard testimonies”.  I was asked to participate and after praying about it I decided to do it knowing it was going to be hard.  It was harder than I thought it was going to be but I was in good company as it was hard for all of us.  But so powerful!  I’m so thankful that my God is able to do more than we could ask or imagine!  http://vimeo.com/17770593

• Lincoln currently has this really weird virus…but why should I be surprised, that’s how we roll 🙂  It just started with him limping last Tues.  That’s it….just favoring his right leg (actually his hip).  So I let him just gimp around until Thurs when I decided I should probably find out what was going on.  Took him to the doctor and he had x-rays and blood work done and everything came out normal.  I was told he had some sort of common childhood virus that had settled in his hip.  OK, that’s weird but he seemed completely fine (you know, minus the limp) so I was ok with just riding this out.  Early Saturday morning (about 2:30) I hear him crying in his crib and when I go check on him, I find puke in his bed.  Clean him up, we all go back to bed, and he doesn’t throw up again.  Saturday, besides not really eating much (which is weird for Mr. Lincoln), he seems fine.  Sunday, he starts having really, really, really, bad gas…I mean bad.  But that’s it (you know, besides the limp still).  Today (Monday) he continues with the gas (and limp) and adds one nasty diaper.  Tonight, still limping and still smelling up the place (although not as bad as before)…but no other symptoms.  Like I said…weird.

Not sure how to transition from that.  But since these are bullet points I guess I don’t have to 🙂

• Three years ago today we were told that the tiny baby I was carrying had gone to heaven.  In some ways it is precious to me to think about that precious child being with her earthly Daddy today…but I miss sharing yet one more memory with him.  He so loved all of our children from the moment he knew they were there…and he was so excited to meet our Grace for the first time.  I remember shortly after she died I told Josiah that I wasn’t planning on naming our child but a name just came to me…Josiah said that (unbeknownst to me) he had picked out a name too and he wanted to name our child Grace.  Even though we did not know if our baby had been a boy or girl, Josiah thought Grace was the perfect name.  I love that.  I love that even though he never felt or saw this child he loved her and cherished her life.  And one day I’ll get to meet her too.

And I think that pretty much catches me up…for now.