I miss his smile. I miss his laugh. I miss his warmth. I miss his touch…and enough time has gone by that I can no longer remember how it feels. I miss hearing him say “I love you” and “you’re so beautiful”. I miss the glance that would tell me all those things and more without a single word. I miss slow dancing. I miss his kiss. I miss his hands. I miss watching him be a Dad. I miss making babies with him (sorry for the TMI, but I’d be lying if I didn’t include that). I miss planning special dates. I miss welcoming him home every night. I miss laughing with him. I miss his wisdom. I miss his comfort…
It will be a year of missing all this (and so much more) on Thursday. While I do see, and am so grateful for, the healing that has taken place this year, I still ache for him. I still have times when it’s hard to breathe. When I wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare…I’m waking up to my real life nightmare. There is no escaping; grief is always there. I’m thankful for the times when it isn’t so heavy…but right now it weighs so much. The only way to lift the weight is to embrace it and that is so hard and painful. I find myself wanting to ignore it lately and just pretend it’s not there. I’m weary of it. But this is the road God intends for me and thankfully I don’t travel it alone. My God is well acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3). I’ve been meditating on 2 Corinthians 12:9 “My strength is made PERFECT in weakness”. The problem is, I don’t want to admit I’m weak. I want to just push on and get through it. But there is peace when I crumble and cry in my weakness and when I make room for God’s perfect grace to wash over me...”When I am weak, then I am strong” (vs. 10).
So, here I am, admitting my weakness. I desperately miss my husband. I usually feel the need to explain everything that’s in my heart just so people don’t misunderstand me…but today I’m keeping it simple. Pray. Please. Not just for me (although, I definitely need them), but also for my children. They don’t understand what February 3rd means yet, but it most definitely affects them. Pray for my family. Both the Johnson’s and the Elson’s, for extended family, for friends. Josiah was a well loved man….and he will always be.
Beautiful Things 
Will be praying Jessica – thank you for sharing your heart – God is there, fall into His embrace, just think of you and Josiah being in God’s presence together at the same time – He is in Glory and God is here with you, this very moment comforting and loving you – you still share a most wonderful bond – your Heavenly Father – bundle up in a favorite piece of clothing of your sweet hubbys and pour your heart out, yet again, find sweet release at the cross. God be with you!!!
praying.
Praying for your desperate grief to be lifted, but the memories still strong and cherished.
Our prayers will be with you and all the others who remember Josiah this week.
Jess,
Have been praying for you guys and will continue to pray. I’m praying Numbers 6:24-26 for you and your family-“The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.” Love you friend-so much!
Annie
Dear Jessica,
I have kept up with your posts and your words have blessed me so much over the last year(s). I wish I had some great words of wisdom to pass on to you as my first husband, Roger, died almost 28 years ago. I feel your grief & sobbed through Josiah’s memorial service as Roger’s memorial service was also held at Saylorville Baptist. Your life is a constant memorial to Josiah & always will be. You many feel weak, but you are not. You are surrounded not just by God’s strength but also Joshiah’s….that strength will never leave you.
My life has taken many twists & turns & by God’s grace I have been blessed with a peace that passes understanding (which I often prayed for you) and the knowledge that God has/had His perfect plan. I know you know all of this which is why I don’t share here often because the wisdom God gave you is much deeper than mine. It’s hard to explain how much I want to encourage you. Please know that you will relive, every year, the events and the exact time-line of all that occurred last year as I do. Embrace it, give God the glory, rejoice when you are able & weep when you must. I continue to look forward to what God has planned for your life–relationships, ministries–you are an incredible young woman with a great gift of communication. I am blessed to know you & to have held you when you were a baby. This week, I think I’ll dwell on the knowledge that Josiah is playing in a heavenly band and Roger is singing along with him. Please know that you and your children are in my prayers. Love in Christ-Always, Dorothy
I am praying for you all my dear friend! I miss Josiah so much, and I am glad we will see him again soon.
Thank you for being a woman after God’s heart.
I love you,
Noelle
i will be praying like crazy, especially tomorrow.
Jessica and family,
We are certainly keeping you close in thought and prayer. We miss seeing you guys together- at heart meetings, picnics, etc. It was always fun and Josiah was most definitely a wonderful person. We miss talking with him at those gatherings as well. I think of you so often, and we still include Ava in Andrew’s prayers for his little friends every night. 🙂
Praying for you,
Jen, Craig & Andrew
Thank you for sharing your heart and letting us know how you are and how to pray. Grief waves are pounding down on you right now and you feel like you are sinking. God has His life perserver Jesus around you. He will not let you drowned. Cling to Him and just concentrate on breathing. This storm will calm and peace waves will come. It will…may you feel His arms surrounding you. Praying with understanding!
Praying for you, your kids, and all of your family and friends. I can’t even imagine how difficult this is.