If I had written this post this morning it would have sounded very different. I’m glad I waited. It’s been 14 months since my husband passed from this life to the next. 14 months shouldn’t be that big of a deal except for one thing. Today marks the day that my son has lived as long without a Daddy as he did with one. That breaks my heart. I didn’t sit down and try to figure that out, it just occurred to me a few months ago. It feels too soon. My precious boy who not only doesn’t remember his Dad, he doesn’t even know what it means to have a Dad. He has no idea what that feels like. To him, “Daddy” is just a face in a photo. When he sees something big and little together he always calls them a “mama and a baby”…it’s never a daddy and a baby. And I hurt for him because he has no idea what he’s missing.
I’m sure someday he will grieve this loss and I’ll be able to tell him about his Daddy and his deep love for his son. But this morning when I woke up and knew what this day meant, it just hurt and made me so sad. I wondered how I would get through the day and I knew I needed a word from my Savior. God impressed on me two things: He was faithful and His grace. So, I went to church and every song we sang had those words and spoke to my heart in a way that I needed. And I prayed and thanked God for being who He is and has been and will continue to be. I thanked Him that, in spite of my doubt, He met me exactly where I was. Why had I forgotten that my Heavenly Father knew what day it was and He knew that I would hurt? Why had I forgotten that He would have a plan to lift me up? God’s promises are true and I can trust Him (which was the message this morning…very appropriate I think!). God will continue to be the Father to my precious fatherless. He sees me in my struggles as a single Mom and He has a plan for that too.
We are entering a new chapter, my son and I…at least that’s what it feels like. I’m still hurting…but I’m able to have joy because nothing has really changed. My God is still God and He’s still on His throne. That’s all that I need…and, what I think I sometimes forget, that’s all the my son needs too.
“You therefore, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus” 2 Timothy 2:1
Beautiful Things 
A beautiful post. God has been teaching me as well. He is in control and He has a plan. It’s comforting to know that He knows us and watches over us.
You are always in my prayers…it is good that you say that so I earnestly ask God on behalf of your family an your needs.
take care!
YOu said, “I’m still hurting…but I’m able to have joy because nothing has really changed. My God is still God and He’s still on His throne. That’s all that I need…and, what I think I sometimes forget, that’s all the my son needs too.”
Amen!!
I remember one day when Moses woke up and told me a dream he had about Daddy giving him a hug and a kiss, something that never occurred as I was pregnant with him when his Daddy went to be with Jesus. I remember God speaking to my heart that the whole in his life wasn’t as big as I felt because God was filling it with HIMSELF.
My little Mosey turns 5 today and I am emotionally see-sawing. Joy and sorrow all mixed together like two colors of playdough….I remember when each one of my boys passed that mark of more time without daddy than with him…..it is a heaviness only God understands and carries us through. Today I face that my youngest boy has reached the age his oldest brother was when Daddy died. It is a cold reality to the heart…..a reminder that the day will come I will live more days without Jim than with him, a day I look at with dread.
Another thought comes to me as I typed this, I lived 21 years without Christ and 13 years with HIM. And praise God I never will be without HIM again.
Anyway, I am rambling on about myself……Just know Jessica, that I am praying with understanding and sending many hugs and shared tears your way.
I am actually having days in which I don’t cry, I think. But your post brought the tears as I see that what you say is true even for me. I have 8 children, all of whom have seen and know their dad, and yet, I grieve for them. But God knew and actually planned for it to be this way. The hard part for all of us widowed mothers is that we think our husbands were the best men in the world and we can’t understand why God would not let those men be a part of their own children’s lives. We also feel pressure to teach our children who their father was. We can talk about him and show pictures and maybe even videos, but we can’t replace his own response to the child’s comments and questions. Today my 9-year-old daughter asked why flat rocks skip on water. She commented on how she saw that her ice cube floats. How I strongly wanted my husband to tell her. I think I would have called him on the phone and asked him if he would like to explain it to her. He would probably have said he would do something special with her this evening. I asked my 24-year-old son who was getting ready to leave for work, and he said some thing about surface tension that sounded like his dad, a little. But no one can say it like Ken did, with the warm smile and fun, enthusiastic way he did.
Still, God knew she did not need that. I have to be careful to not resent the fact that God took that away from her. For some reason it is BETTER this way. Romans 8:28
Hi Jess:
My heart goes out to you when I read this post. I know, though, that you have learned to run to your Heavenly Father for comfort and that fact makes it easier on those who support you as it gives us comfort. God has a plan for Josiah’s children and He is working that plan on your behalf. We know that He has a special place in His heart for the widow and orphans and we can take comfort in that truth. Keep going Jess. You are doing a wonderful job.
love you so much,
momma Dee
I tell Aubrie every time I see her you are my inspiration for always being a better person. You, Jessica, have such deep character. Josiah is still so very proud of you as am I and I don’t even know you!
with love,
Caree
Your wisdom and faith continue to amaze me!