Most of the time when I actually sit down to write I have things pretty worked through in my head.  Today…not so much.  Whatever comes out of me tonight is still pretty raw.

My lovely sister-in-law got married last night.  She was a stunning and radiant bride and it was so fun to see them both so happy and very much in love!  Ava was the flower-girl and Lincoln was the ring bearer, and I was the Matron of Honor.  The kids were adorable (if I do say so myself).  Ava was in her element with all eyes on her and lived it up and Lincoln was fine going along as long as he had a firm hold of his sister’s hand.  I was so proud of them.  It was such an honor to stand up with Beka and Nick (my sister-in-law and new brother-in-law) and to witness them pledging their lives to each other before God.  Beka actually moved into our house right before Lincoln was born and lived with us for a little over a year.  She was such an amazing help and support during an incredibly difficult year.  We had a close relationship before that but we grew so much closer during that time.  Beka is so precious to me and I’m super excited to welcome Nick to the family!

The wedding was so beautiful and joyful.  Their were lots of laughs and smiles 🙂  And there were tears.  Josiah’s guitar was on display on stage beside me and every time I glanced at it I would have to take a deep breath to keep from losing it.  God gave grace and I kept it together pretty well until I was in the car driving home very late that night (well, actually early morning).  The tears just rolled down my face as I let grief wash over me.  I did no sobbing.  Sometimes my pain runs to deeply for tears to cleanse.  My heart was being ripped open anew as I once again struggled with my Beloved’s loss.  Reality still continues to set in as we reach new milestones and create new memories without him.  I just can’t believe he wasn’t there.  I can’t believe he wasn’t standing next to me on that stage.  I can’t believe he wasn’t there to kiss his sister on the cheek.  I can’t believe he wasn’t there to watch his children walk down the aisle.  I can’t believe he wasn’t there to crack a joke when eyes started tearing up.  I can’t believe he wasn’t there to dance with.  I can’t believe he will not walk our daughter down the aisle someday and dance with her on her wedding day.  I can’t believe he wasn’t there to hold my hand and tell me I looked pretty.  I can’t believe he wasn’t there to drive me home and our house once again felt so empty and still.  Sometimes, I just still can’t believe he’s not here.  Oh, how I miss him.  And I will admit that the thought ran through my mind “it’s just not fair”…as ugly as those words feel to me.  I am incredibly aware and grateful for the MANY hands that helped me…I could not have done it all without them.  God provided.  I am blessed beyond measure for the hugs, the encouragement, the shared joy and pride in my children.  I treasure that I got to dance with the cutest boy I know…my precious son.  I loved spending precious girly time with my daughter.  I am keenly aware of God’s healing power in my life and the strength that he has infused in me to be able to stand strong when the grief was washing over me.  And I am thankful.  But, it doesn’t erase the pain that I have learned to live with as it comes but that I very much still feel.  There is still life to live whether my heart feels crushed or not.

This song has been precious to me today as I am once again in a place that I need my Jesus to whisper to my bleeding heart that He is still faithful.  He is and will always be and He holds me in my hurting…I would be lost without Him.