I have tried and failed to find words to describe the last eight months. I’m still not sure if I can, but I’m going to try. These past months of adjusting to being a family of six have been…hard. How’s that for being eloquent? There have been plenty of amazing joys along the way for sure! But the life of jumping head first into being the mommy of four very needy and hurting and confused kids? Yea…that part has been hard. Most of the time I feel so overwhelmed by the tremendous needs that face my every moment. I don’t feel qualified. I don’t feel able. I don’t feel like enough. Sometimes those feelings can so overwhelm my soul. My wise Mom is quick to remind me that I didn’t choose this, but that God chose it for me as part of His perfect plan and I just responded with “yes”. And my dear husband is quick to reaffirm my doubting heart that I am meant to be all of these kid’s mom. So…I keep going. The days have gotten easier in a lot of ways as we have all adjusted. My husband is less likely to find me in a corner dissolved in tears these days! I take that as progress 🙂
At the beginning of the summer I thought in no way could I even consider homeschooling this year. I was barely functioning as “mom”, much less adding on “teacher” on top of that! God slowly changed my heart and showed me that being home this year was what we all needed. I needed to keep building on what we had started…and I needed to keep growing and stretching too. Two days into the school year, I found out I was pregnant. Overwhelmed doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt. Defeated. Deflated. And I felt so guilty for feeling those things on top of it. But, what on earth was God asking of me? To give up all? Well…yes. Because nothing screams sacrifice like motherhood. So in the middle of preparing to welcome a small selfish incredible blessing…I’m attempting to teach four very self-centered blessings to deny self…and at the same time, God is teaching me the same lesson.
I can feel the refining fire that I am in. Sometimes I just want to be out of it…but I also know there is still much that I have to learn in it. God is taking my small view of love…true sacrificial, unconditional love…and He is expanding it to look more like what His really is. And…it is hard. I just pray that when I come out, that all of me will be gone…and all that remains is Christ!
“so that the tested genuineness of your faith – more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire – may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” 1 Peter 1:7
Beautiful Things 
Beautiful words, dear friend! Thank you for sharing your heart, and know that I’ll be praying more specifically. You are a wonderful woman, mom, and wife. We could all learn much from your tender heart and lovingkindness. Love you!
Very well written. Don’t ever forget you have what many of us are wishing for. And what you are experiencing is what every mother experiences, re-married widow or not, expecting a baby. How can I be having more when I need to improve with the ones I already have? God knows all that and He knew you could do it anyway. 🙂 Thanks for the verse. I like the tone of your writing. You aren’t in despair. You are reflective and you are actually showing deep faith. Those crying times are just a release of things for the past few hours or days. We who have lost our children’s fathers still grieve that he can’t see the progress they are making. We still wish he was here to pat them on the back and smile at them, telling them, “Good job.” or “Keep trying, you’ll get it.” We get tears in our eyes when we see them unconsciously act or sound just like their dad. And he knew us so well, knew how to defuse our frustrated moment. But your new husband will learn to do this, too. God knew what He was doing when He gave you a new best friend, leader, and brother in Christ.
What a blessing your writing continues to be. I am now 82, and only the details are different. The kids are long gone from our home. The oldest granddaughter is in college. But the need for refining continues unabated. It’s a life-long process, which will end only when we meet Christ. And He has promised to go with us through whatever He has in store. Thanks for updating your chronicle. Now we can pray more specifically.
This is…wonderful. 🙂 While our life is very different, I relate so much with your thoughts on motherhood. Thanks for sharing!
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Very well written….and yes, you do have a wise mom :). Although my stage of life is much different, I too have sensed the refining fire of the Lord this year. One of the thoughts he has brought to my mind on several occassions is this: “God honors Obedience.” Your story, your submission to Him has not only honored Him, but blessed and encouraged those of us who have followed along. Prayers of encouragement and blessing for you as you walk in the plan God has for you. Thanks again for sharing your heart.